Bittersweet

The title is pretty much self explanatory, it aptly describes a recent reunion with an old flame. Spending four hours in sexual embraces was just as exciting as when it ended a decade ago. It was for all the world like two thirsty travelers in a desert finding an oasis and  gorging themselves  replenishing themselves momentarily, while knowing  that they must continue on their trek back into the desert.

However, as  wondrous as it was it was also sad,  because I knew that the succeeding years had taken its toll on us. Not physically,  although we have changed, but more that we had actually changed mentally.  The physical aspect didn't matter but I found we had little to relate to now. Our lives and attitudes are so vastly different. 

She seems  caught in a time warp of that different time and hadn't really accepted her life in any way. She is now in her second divorce and  living a life seemingly attuned to  that now distant time. Failing now  to take hold of the realities that now face her. Her completely dysfunctional families are an issue that she glosses over out of hand. It was great to be with her even for the time we spent but I am saddened by the fact that she hasn't accepted reality and is still reaching for that dream that may not in be possible for her.

This is the  woman, at the time, for whom I came close to divorce. Had I taken that step perhaps  both our lives would have been for the better . Who can say.? On the other hand  I could now be the  poor husband now facing  his own situation. This is a thought that all who wish to go this route must make .Will this move really improve one's life or merely complicate it.

 

zorbas zorbas
56-60, M
8 Responses Feb 22, 2009

How are you since? Still seeing this woman?

Zorbas....my experience is ...it is i who has changed not them...My values are differnt..i expect more, I appreciate more, and I look at things differently, and so I have grown..I have incorporated more experinces into my life..I have tried to absob more knowledge..tried to understand more points of view,,And so when i do re-connect with certain people..they are back where they always were, and so I have moved on..and left them where they always were..<br />
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It was their choice to stay the same, to never grow, to remain stagnant..I don't know if you had connected, with this person, if they would have changed with you, grown with you..That will just have to remain an unknown.

Neu. :).. I was asking Zorbas what made him change his mind after he became close to divorce and still remain married. As far as I get it, he never left his marriage.
Were you two somehow related in the past? :)

"This is the woman, at the time, for whom I came close to divorce."<br />
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What changed your mind? Was there any crucial a-ha moment?

I love this board~~ so much honesty and a willingness to share experiences that may help each other by writing down our stories as they unfold.<br />
I agree that the UTOPIA doesn't exist anymore ~ I feel too jaded to believe in the happily ever after romance story.<br />
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Although I can relate to your desire to love and be loved in return, pure and simply, former lovers can be complex, depending on the relationship.<br />
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I daydream and nighdream about being with my former lover, and biological father of my second child, but he won't go there. We do talk on the phone and I enjoy the connection we share on that level. I know that it would complicate my marriage to plunge into that relationship fully, and feel the effects from just the phone talks. <br />
I must admit that I would "be there in a heartbeat" if he reconsiders ... because I want to be there, complicated or not. Life is far from a bowl of sweet cherries for me .. just a tease of the real thing.<br />
I agree you are fortunate to connect with her and although she is not the same person as she was ... you found enough to spend four hours with her~ I see that as a wonderful experience.<br />
Just my view... from a messed up marriage.<br />
Blessings,

I thnk we all share the dream that we can find the person with whom we can "grow together". Personal growth in tandem does seem possible for some - but for the rest of us it remains ever elusive. A cherished dream that is never more than that.<br />
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There is much to be said for a lovely afternoon of sex, Zorbas - especially for us in this forum. Dwell on the sweet satisfaction of that my dear EP friend.

Michelle...absolutely correct ...people do grow at different rates and some unfortunately, stay mired in the past, with self righteous tenets and perceptions about life and they fail to grow at all.

I almost wanted to start a post yesterday “Wondering how Zorbas is doing right now”..<br />
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OK, I will take her side :-) How much can you really tell about her in four hours? Plus she is going through a divorce which by definition is a painful, confusing, depressing experience. I do have a part of me that will always stay in the past and that is the memory of who I was back then (including lovers, friends, careless life, etc)...I love myself now but I adore my "former" self. lol. <br />
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I think both of you were blessed to know eachother and to have this re-connection. Enjoy and don't dissect too much:-)

That does sound completely.........bittersweet. Hsn't it been your experience in the past, that whenever you get together with an ex, you are forced to recall, "Oh yeah....I was always put off by that way that you ____"<br />
And you come away from the scene realizing more glaringly what it was that created the initial wedge.<br />
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Or in this case, her non-evolving makes you scratch your head in wonderment. Perhaps she in blogging on some other venue today, "It was nice, but wow, has his head changed...." Do you think her living-in-the-past mentalitly is a coping mecanism? Is it blocking out the current disagreeable circumstances, or is it gloryfying the best days of her life? Or was it a show for you, motivated by what used to make you tick, before?<br />
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With your current sexless wife, what were the qualities that attracted you then? Pragamatic? Now what about the Ex, when you were first attracted....Fun? you knew long ago, that sensible people turn out to be boooooring after a awhile, and fun ones turn out to be flaky. Pensive ones turn into never getting a grip, Ones you give you a long leash turn indifferent......you get my point. <br />
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I have felt insulted sometimes, when someone didn't "get me" (What a dummy!) But maybe I'm expecting too much? Maybe I need to turn down the dial setting, and realize that with some people, the only things we can mutually enjoy are where other paths, mind, spirits or bodies happen to intersect, in a world filled with squeued angles. Why should we be dismayed when people are who they are? <br />
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But, yeah, it is definitely a let down when you expect, or hope that a friendship or liason will develop, and instead you see a huge gap that advertizes that it will never blossom as you had hoped.