Love But No Sex

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. Everything started off great and we had a lot of chemistry and amazing sex. We fell so head over heels in love with each other that we moved in together right away and have had a great life living together. We really love each other and are very cuddly and hug and kiss (only pecks) all the time. But we have one problem, It's been 8 months since we've had sex.

So this is how it all started. In April 2008, once after we had sex my boyfriend asked me what I though about during sex. I told him that most of the time I just thought about how good it felt, etc. but sometimes I would think about fantasy scenarios or picture sexual situations in my mind. He did not take that well. He thought it meant he wasn't enough for me, and I wasn't attracted to him. Which is so not true. I think he is the hottest guy I've ever been with but sometimes I just need a little more mental stimulation to get me over the edge. He didn't understand that and was REALLY hurt by my thoughts of other things during sex. Which I could understand, for a few weeks or months maybe. But now it's been 8 or 9. Right after it happened we actually still had sex a few times, but since then it's dwindled off to nothing and he won't even kiss me let alone touch me.

Since then I've tried to show him how much I am attracted to him. I apologized for thinking those thoughts many times. I tell him all the time how attractive he is and try to initiate things once in a while. But he never lets me touch him and he never touches me. We talk about our lack of sex a lot and he says it will get better, he just needs time. Over the last few months it the problem also seems to have evolved into him being stressed at work and being uncomfortable with his body. He keeps promising it will get better but it seems like the problem keeps getting bigger and I'm beginning to have my doubts that he'll ever be interested again.

It is heartbreaking to be so in love with him and spend every day with him, but know that he does not want to be with me physically. I feel in a way like I deserve this because I did think about other things while we were having sex.

Please any advice would be appreciated.


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7 Responses Feb 23, 2009

Ditto<br />
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" Respect Yourself "

Run, don't walk, for the nearest exit. If this guy has no appetite for 'amazing' sex now, things are unlikely to get better. You haven't signed any papers or sworn any oaths -- give him an ultimatum. If you don't get speedy results, save yourself from years of pain and end it now.

i agree with many above. it sounds like some serious insecurity issues if he is THAT upset about you fantasizing (it's not even like you were fantasizing about someone else). if you have tried to make him understand that you really enjoy sex with him, and it's not as if he is not enough, then there is little else you can do. good luck to you.

Very wise advice from those above. Sad as it is to break up with someone you love, it is even sadder (and far worse) to find yourself trapped in a marriage with someone who, for whatever reasons, cannot or will not meet your perfectly natrural and normal needs.<br />
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By all means give it some more time and counselling sounds sensible. But do "cut and runn" if after a period of time t isn't back to how you want it to be.<br />
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I'm so sorry you have the need to be in this forum at such a young age. May your life soon be MUCH better!

Dear Jenny: I think there is more going on here than what you think about during the act of sex. Everyone's mind wonders off. You have somehow got to get him to therapy with you or to at least engage in a conversation whereby he agrees that something is wrong. If not, I may suggest a separation. You are not married yet and I don't advise doing so. If you can't work this out, you really should try to move on.

Number One: DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!! You had fantasies? Whoa, stop the presses - film at 11:00... There is nothing wrong with that (now, if my wife called out someone else's name while we were making love, that might put a damper on things!). In fact, I think that a rich fantasy life can be VERY good for long term relationships (I would love it if my wife would share her fantasies with me - if she has any!).<br />
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There's obviously something deeper going on with him and I would address is as soon as possible. I am NOT a professional, but it sounds like he might have sel-esteem issues (nothing wrong with that - we all have issues). If it's been 8 or 9 months then I really doubt it will get better on its own (when I was dating 8 or 9 hours seemed like a long time to wait).<br />
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You obviously love him and want to make a go of the relationship, so my advice (free and worth every penny) is to continue to communicate with him. If you can, seek help from someone who is qualified (i.e., a therapist) to help you navigate the potentially treacherous waters. I would recommend you go together so that you both know what is going on and are on the same page.<br />
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Keep your hope up and work on it, but don't sell yourself short: your needs are just as important as his and you don't want to realize several years down the road that you should have put more priority on your own happiness.<br />
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Wish you the best of luck

I would keep doing what you are doing for only a while longer but it sounds like he is not going to get over it. People have sexual fantasies and there is nothing wrong with that. I am actually shocked that he is so upset on you fantasizing while having sex. I know I love to hear about my wife's fantasy while we are having sex to help her get off. I only do this to help her get the most enjoyment out of sex. Most guys watch **** which is really a fantasy, especially if they have their "alone time".