The Man of My Dreams

So I met a wonderful man, after years of being involved in an abusive relationship.  My husband treats me well.  He respects me.  He has listened to me talk about my past experiences.  But I feel stuck.  I feel like I am stuck in my past, and I just can't get out of it.  I was first abused at the age of four by my older brother.  As an adult, I confronted my brother about the sexual abuse, and found out that my parents had known all along.  They never came to me to talk about what happened.  Instead they told my brother to essentially "knock it off".  As a teenager I was raped by my first boyfriend.  I learned not to trust men.  I got into drinking for a while, and ended up getting pregnant by an alcoholic.  I was so afraid of him.  I would wake up in the middle of the night to him punching me, or having sex with me.  It was awful.  I felt like I was living a horrible nightmare.  Then he left me.  I was 6 weeks pregnant.  I thought I was doing something wrong to make him get mad at me.  I was always trying to fix myself, but nothing I did ever made him happy.  I was never good enough.  So I went through my whole pregnancy by myself.  No one in my family stood by me.  Instead they joked about me being a *****.  When I had my son, my life changed.  I met my now husband.  He treated my son great.  I love him with all of my heart, I just hate having sex.  I don't like it when he touches me.  I get flashbacks and forget who I am in bed with.  I have panic attacks at night.  I just wish I could be the person he deserves to be with.  I don't ever feel like I will be good enough.  I haven't been abused for two years now...but I feel so damaged. 

butterfly104 butterfly104
5 Responses Feb 23, 2009

Dear butterfly104 - You have a will to survive in spite of life's trials and tribulations.<br />
Always be honest with yourself. <br />
Keep working with your counselor to uncover the fears that are holding you back. I've been going for 2 years also. Keeps me mentally healthy and on track.<br />

Thank you all for you comments. I really appreciate you input. I didn't say in my story, but I have been in counseling for two years. That is why I feel at such a road block. I am just ready for things to get better. But I am not sure what to do from here.

You have suffered a few traumas in your young life and now have a little boy who is counting on you to get well. <br />
I agree with the heartfelt comments to your story and hope that you follow their advice<br />
<br />
Blessings and all good wishes

There is absolutely nothing to add to the excellent advice mentioned above. Your acknowledging the problem makes you more than half way to a solution.<br />
<br />
Be good to yourself you certainly deserve it..

Excellent comments from above. You have had a terrible life but now you have the chance of real happiness. Please take the posters above good advice and get help.<br />
Everyone deserves happiness and that includes YOU!!!