What Do I Do! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Lets see where to start. I'm a athletic 38m married to a beautiful 30 yr old. Been married for 9 years. First couple years of our marriage sex was great and had it often. I took pride in teaching my wife how to make love and she was receptive and open minded to learning and growing our relationship. She for the record has no prior abuse in her family or past issues when she was younger to explain a loss of drive.

She for the last 6 years has lost it. Says she has no drive, and no feeling when aroused. We have been to 2 different doctors. Hormone levels are fine and here doctor seems to think she has some nerve damage. Possibly the result of riding horses and growing like a weed when she is younger. Lower back pain is there, but there are no tests on that area that can diagnose the lack of feeling. She describes it kinda like a guy getting hard but having no sensation.

Here is the frustrating part! She has now convinced herself that this is the way she is. She has shut off the switch. The intimacy is still there at times. The hugs the kisses the cuddling. Which for a guy is fine but occasionally we then like it to lead to the real thing. She knows its really starting to torture me. Yes I get the occasional hand rub or sometimes kisses but they usually have to be asked for. Those are now far and few between. This has been going on for at least 5 years now. I'm lucky if we have sex once every couple months, and if we do its on her terms and never is there two equal partners . I feel like she is just doing it for me. We have talked about our situation many times. Usually ends in her crying or both of us crying. We never seem to find a solution. She feels obviously guilty and I  feel guilty for making her feel this way.

Well as of now I find myself asking the hard questions. Do I stay in a sexless marriage. Bad thoughts about cheating enter my head everyday and I'm refraining but it gets tougher ever day. I know that is not the solution. I find myself insecure and not confident. I want to blame her, but cant because it may be a medical issue. All I know is if i could not get it up I would be going to the ends of the earth to satisfy my life partner and be looking for a solution every day. She does not seem to be in that frame of mind. I love her. We have a beautiful house and assets, no kids. In marriage you say in sickness and health but why do I feel so lost and what  the heck do I do! At 38 do I just continue to be married in this situation. I feel like I'm married to my friend now. Not my wife and Lover. She told me few nights ago that she is happy with her life and that I need to accept her for the way she is. She knows I'm not happy and if I don't get handled I get grumpy insecure and frustrated. Which I know is probably the last way I should be acting if I hope to get lucky. The being turned down the lack of initiation on her part is killing me. I feel like a high school er chasing after the girl that would not give you the time of day. HELPPPPPPPPPPP...

flyrod27 flyrod27
4 Responses Feb 23, 2009

wow. thanks for the support everyone! Im glad I found this forum maybe you guys can keep me sain... :). Ok medical answers. She has regular cycles so her obgyn dismissed hormone therapy. I know she has had bloodwork done but what would the docter be lookin for? She is still cuddly the kisses and affection seem to still be there at times. I think she has backed off that a little lately because I told her it was like torture sometimes because it never escaladed to the next level... By saying that I think I have pushed her affections away because of that comment. Just got tired of getting my hopes up and then being let down. <br />
The problem according to our doctor was a bloodflow problem with possible nerve damage..She is a avid horsewoman. rides everyday. When we first hooked up when she had not ridin for about four years. But if it is her riding and a back issue how do I ask her to give up something she loves. She did take off 8 months once to see if that was the issue, but it did not seem to help.

I have a million questions for you, Flyrod. What type of doctors did she see? Ob/gyn, GP, or an internal medicine specialist? The reason I ask is that the first two, while great at what they do, would check her blood levels and do a basic physical and send her on her way if everything came back normal. They usually say something pithy like "just go away for a weekend" or "buy some toys". Trust me, I know. I am an RN. An Internist would not, especially given her age. Perhaps it is a true chemical imbalance in her body. A healthy 30 year old woman who hasn't given birth should not have a lack of a sex drive. Also, in your wife's case, nerve damage might have occured to the vaginal area but that wouldn't mean she couldn't get aroused by long kissing and touching of other areas. What kind of nerve damage did the doctor say she might have? <br />
Lastly, don't cheat on her. Clearly, she feels awful about it by your own words of her crying when the two of you talk about it. That would hands down be the worst thing you could do to her. If she didn't care she wouldn't get emotional over it. Please don't do it. You love her and she loves you. <br />
Finally, if the Internist comes back with nothing, then I truly believe counseling would be the best. She married you at a very young age. From your time line that would put her at 21. I was 22 when I married my husband and not prepared for what life was about.

Flyrod, you are telling my story as well. I'm 42 in pretty good shape. Wife is too. I might get lucky every couple of months and she told me the same thing your wife told you...she said "You knew I was like this when you married me." That is not the case. If it was, I wouldn't have married her. Anyway, flyrod you are in a slightly different situation. You have no kids. I have 3 and I am not going anywhere until they are out on their own. Then I might make some moves. Until then, I am choosing to stick it out. You do have the option to find love and affection with another wife if you choose. I respect you greatly though because of your loyalty to your vows. Speaks highly of you. But that option still exists. You told us your story because you have no idea where to look for help. Neither do the rest of us. We revisit this site often to see if anyone has come up with a solution that might work. At this point, I have refocused my energies on my kids, working out, working late, playing in a band...anything to stay busy and avoid being around my wife. Honestly, it has been so long without any kind of affection at all (including sex) that I don't even want it anymore. I know it sounds ridiculous but I gotta tell you my friend, it takes the pressure and frustration out of the equation. I now live with a roommate instead of a wife. And it has been this way for so long that I took off my wedding ring. When asked why I don't wear it anymore, I told her it is not a roommate ring. That didn't go over well but at this point, I am numb. I have fought to avoid the affair route because I too am committed to the vows that I took 18 years ago. I strongly suggest that you avoid that too because it hurts more people than just you and your wife. If you need to go that route, cut her loose. If you don't cut her loose, I think that would make you feel even worse than you do now. The unfairness of this treatment is so mind-boggling. We get married to a woman we intend to love and cherish until the end and deep into the relationship we get ignored and left for dead because they "know" we can't do anything about it. Many men cheat. And all the blame goes on the man. I would be willing to bet many of those men are in the situation we are in. I know I haven't offered much good advice. I was relieved to realize that it wasn't just me and that I had a forum to vent. I hope this helps you too man. Hang in there and good luck with whatever direction you go in. God bless.

I feel for you man, I too am feeling somewhat of a victim of circumstance. I wish I had the answer for you, but I dont. All I know is it hurts and is very disappointing most of the time. I have yet to find a good solution to this, meanwhile I get a lot of those days where I'm clouded because I get none of that intamacy from her.