Connected and Dissed!

I have been married for almost seven years now, and each day of the past four years have seemed to get longer, stranger, and more, and more sexless.

I don't wanna sound rude or tasteless in any way so please try to understand where I'm coming from........

We used to bang like a pack of wildcat firecrackers on the fourth of July, but over the past more recent years that bang has gone from several times a day to several times a year.

I mean, really I'm lucky if the 12 pack of latex gets used up in the course of 365 days 66 if it's a leap.

I love this woman with all my heart, but anymore without that connection I've come to doubting myself sometimes. I'm not trying to say sex makes me a man or anything like that, but It sure does make a guy proud to be one.

I'm not sure what happened. I've tried talking to her about it, and I get promises of how she'll try to do better. It just don't happen. If I keep at her heels about it, it just becomes this whole argument with her telling me I just want her to go down on me. Well that is true, but I'd rather her to come up on me, and just generally/freakishly have a good time with me like any other married couple should do. I make moves onto her, and she falls asleep. I buy her sexy dips to get her in the mood, I'm lucky if she wears them once. When we do get to doing the "thang". I just don't feel she's to into it, and it makes me feel displaced.

She has given me a thousand and so excuses on why she's not into it, why she's not into experimenting, why she's tired, why she's anything except turned on by the idea of having sex.

I'm pretty sure she is not cheating on me, we went through a thing and now just let our past just be what it is.

So I can say with confidence that that's not the issue here. My partner has simply become something like a robot, and just runs on automatic full time now, leaving me with nothing but memories and heartache, fantasies and lubriderm realities while watching video and Internet ****.

LOL! I have to laugh at myself because how I used to get it, to how I'm getting it now is such a far contrast it's ridiculous.

Meanwhile, until I find a solution or have some great breakthrough showing some way of getting more sex. I will remain fantasizing about her and the other women I cant touch taste or feel.


AmericanBoy AmericanBoy
31-35, M
9 Responses Feb 23, 2009

She has never been abused or anything like that. No drug problems, or tragic events that could have led to this.<br />
It's as if simply her "on" switch has been turned off and removed.<br />
I'm tryin to get used to it, but you know waking up with a "kickstand" in your pants almost every other morning gets to a guy. LOL!

Similar story here both of us close to mid 40's. Our problem has been extremely long term. After marriage it was as if the entire candle got blown out, then upon the decision to have children it got reignited for that brief period. Then magically it went out again. I too have tried every trick in the book to get things back on track. What about her past? Is there anything like abuse or other problems? That could be a marker for these issues, I am wondering about it on my end more now. At least I have asked some questions about this. I do feel you on the fantasy and the wondering about what could have been. I feel like the best sexual years of my life were stolen from me. <br />
<br />
I guess I will have to sing along with all the cowboys if I ever get the chance again: VIVA VIAGRA,,,,VIVA VIVA

I dont think it made sex "dirty" to her, because she gave that good love. The kind that you can only get when it is love.<br />
She is from a Penacostal Home, and she's the Deacons daughter.<br />
We came together from very diffrent backgrounds, and have found soulstice in eachother.<br />
I grew up in a single parent home and found the world out in the streets.<br />
I'm not saying I was a thug or anything like that, but I'm a man of many faces and cultures.

Atomz,<br />
Come on, you aren't 100! If she is born in the mid 1970's (I was born in 1971) I am hoping that she was a product of the sexual revolution as many of us women were. Was there a religious background that made sex dirty to her? I am truly trying to figure this out. Not judging, trust me, but trying to understand. She is very young to be having this kind of lack of desire. Explain please if you will.

I understand what your saying, but I'm not feeling that. I never signed up for celibacy, and the way our courts treat divorces with children I might as well start sleeping in a shelter with a name like Ju-Ju. LOL!<br />
IDK, I just feel like I was somehow duped into beliving this was going to be her wanting me as I always want her.

Man it is creepy how close our stories are. I feel your pain...I really do.

There will come a day when you will review all the events that led up to the breakdown of sexual intimacy and you will realize that you ignored the signs because you wanted something out of the relationship .. the comfort of having a home life with this woman you once made passionate love to, the children, the familiarity of each other, the in-laws, the comfort zone you live in financially, or a million and one other reasons.<br />
Whatever you chose without intimacy, the outcome will be LONLINESS.... and if you don't like it now, you won't like it then.<br />
We can only fool ourselves into thinking everything is going as well as can be expected, for just so long.<br />
There is no magic answer.<br />
Therapy helps, individual, if couple therapy doesn't work.<br />
Looking for help on the internet through sites such as this one helps<br />
You are not asking for the stars, you are asking for her love in your marriage and you want to give her your love.<br />
I am still asking and being rejected, after 40 years and now coming to the realization that something has to give before I miss my boat forever.<br />
Blessings and good wishes for a happy outcome.

@ vekay: Yes we have children, and my wife is very much a lady. meaning she is very mature and bieng born in the mid 70's.<br />
<br />
@michelle: We have tried therapy and a bunch of promises are made and it is really great after breakthroughs, but then after being done with it it regresses over time to stagnace.<br />
I've thought of an affair and have been offered many of times, but I'm not sure I could go through with it.<br />
I've thought of divorce, but the thing is other than the sex thing we are really cool with eachother.

Atomz,<br />
How old is your wife? Has she had a child recently? Is she afraid of getting pregnant? <br />
Sorry for all the questions but this plays into a woman's mind.