Changing Myself

As some of you know I have been in a sexless marriage for about fourteen years now.  I was prompted to write this because I was asked to do an interview today about my marriage.  This interview was the second one I have done about my marriage and it was interesting for me to find that I was much more aware of my feelings about my life this time around.  I started seeing a therapist to help me sort out my feelings and I have come to some conclusions about myself.  

When I joined EP almost a year ago I was so angry and confused.  Angry at my husband about rejecting me.  Confused because I did not know what to do about my life.  Also I was dealing with my injury and not being able to continue with my artwork was a bitter blow as my career was the one part of my life where I could bury myself with work and traveling and not think about the miserable state of my marriage.  At that time I was finally facing the life that I actually had. 

No hugs and no kisses.  No comforting arms to hold me at night when my fears for my future loomed in my mind like a weight that seemed unbearable.  My anger ate at me like some savage beast stealing any joys in my life.  I would take my anger and chew on it like a dog gnawing on a juicy bone.  And my anger was exhausting. 

As time went on I read stories on EP and commented on them and started making friends here.  I found so many of us, both men and women, who are going through the exact same things in marriage that I was going through.  I was surprised that so many women feel as I do.  For some reason I had thought living in a sexless marriage was mostly a man's issue.  I met people of all ages and life styles.  Some have remained constant friends and some have gone on with their lives and that is understandable.  I never took this personally.  

I have shared the most personal parts of my life with others and never felt judged in any way and I hope I have done the same in return.  I have tried to give good advice when asked and have gotten such wonderful support from my friends here.  EP has  given me a platform to express many things and I am grateful for this.  

I have cried over the pain that people here have gone through and I have laughed at shared stories about the funny sides of life.  Because of you on EP I have grown as a woman and as a human being.  When I am down there is always someone to listen and give insightful advice.  And sometimes just a funny story about other's lives is just what I have needed. 

In this past year I have changed a lot.  I no longer have anger towards my husband.  He is who he is and I accept that.  I do miss the intimacy that making love brings to my life.  I miss the connection that makes the hard times in life bearable.  But I have my connections here in EP and with my friends in my life where I live.  I have fallen a bit in love with some people I have met on EP.  How can I help these feelings?  To be understood and accepted is a basic human need.  Some of you get my crazy sense of humor.  Sharing my wild hog ride when I lived on the farm was a real joy.  

I have become a better writer which is also something that I love to do.  I have become better at expressing myself.  I remember my first story about my sexless marriage and I pounded on my keyboard and sent it out feeling so anxious.  Was I going to be judged by what I had written?  Would people think I was some crazy woman?  God bless all of you for no one ever did.  

After a year here my marriage is just the same.  He goes to his bedroom at night and I go to mine.  However, I do not go to bed crying or angry anymore about my sexless marriage.  Rather now I go to sleep knowing that my life is changing bit by bit.  Even with all of the stress that I am dealing with, I find myself smiling more and laughing more and there is hope for a future that is filled with love and respect.  I am a stronger woman now.  I love myself now.  And more than that, I really like myself now.  

So this past year has been filled with so much both good and bad.  I am still dealing with my injuries and that is a longer process than I ever imagined but I am slowly healing my body and my mind.  Finances are a big issue and I know that so many of us are feeling the pinch of this economy.  The world is a crazy place right now.  All I can control is me.  My thoughts and my actions.  I have learned to accept this.  I stay in my marriage for the present time because it is a choice that I make.  I know my reasons for staying but I also know my reasons for leaving when I am able to do so.  I do not want to leave with anger and bitterness. 

Therapy has helped me so much.  Helped me become focused on what I need and what I want and also helped me live with my decisions.  I no longer live in the past for that is a prison that robs me of the joys of the present.  I have learned to live in the moment and savor every experience as it happens.  And I have learned that I am worthy of love and being loved.  Having positive thoughts and beliefs in myself is making a difference in my life now. 

I want to end this on a note of hope.  There is always hope no matter how dark life seems to be.  Reading about the young man on EP that recently took his life has caused me to really think about what we all go through.  This past year has been the worst in my life in many ways but I got through it and a part of my making it through was due to my EP friends.  No matter how bad things are, there is a better and brighter future in store for all of us if we just hang on and reach out for help.  There are lessons to be learned and friendships to be made.  I believe that we are put on this earth to be a help and inspiration to others.  What we leave people with when we die is our legacy.  Not material things but our ability to love and care and give compassion.  To treat each other with respect and kindness and understanding.  Accepting people for who they are frees me.  I cannot change anyone but myself. 













dartist dartist
56-60, F
18 Responses Feb 24, 2009

Thank you Michael. It has been awhile since I went back and read this story of mine. Life is moving along. Lots of positive changes this past year for me. Lots of growing as a woman. I practice the powers of attraction and gratitude daily even when life throws me curve balls. <br />
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This winter has been very difficult. I found myself sinking into a depression and am taking action and I feel the bit of darkness lifting. Taking my life by the scruff of the neck and giving it a good shaking. Nothing in life just happens. It takes work and a willingness to make necessary changes to move forward. I have many wonderful people in my life and one in particular who always gives me inspiration to do my best. My gratitude and love to them all. D.

Changing and growing is a life long process. A wise woman told me something years ago that I never forgot. She said that when we are ready to learn a life lesson, someone will come into our lives as a teacher. If we are open to the lesson then we will proceed in our life wiser and stronger. If we do not learn the lesson then we are doomed to making the same mistake over and over until we are finally ready to accept and grow. <br />
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I have learned so many lessons from my friends here. Being a Taurus, sometimes I am a bit stubborn but I have grown as a person a great deal in the past year. No more knee jerk reactions. No more impulse driven acts. I have learned to think things through. Not to be ruled so much by emotions but rather logic and sound judgment even though I am a very emotional person. <br />
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If I can do this, then anyone can. We all have the capacity for personal growth. At times the process can bring up painful thoughts and changes but we can remain true to ourselves throughout this. Forgive ourselves for our shortcomings and mistakes. Live our lives knowing that there is an innate goodness and love that resides within ourselves. Then share this love and goodness with others. <br />
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Your being moved by what I have written is a gift to me. This makes the hardships and pain of my personal growth worthwhile. Blessings and love, D.

Through my tears I thank you. I hope one day I will be where you are.

My grateful thanks to all of you who read this story and I am glad it helped so many. I changed so much in the past year. Life is much easier to deal with. There are still those bad days when I want to hide my head under the covers! Sometimes I do but I always peek out and rejoin the world. Peace and warm wishes to all. D.

Your story was very uplifting dartist. I am new here and so very glad I found this site.<br />
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this is basically my story in a short story....<br />
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I am in the fairly new stage of this issue...too new to give advise, but I sure need some. We will be married 25 years soon. We haven't had sex for 3 years. Before that MAYBE once a year for about 5 years and before that not much more but there was hope for sex....only if I started it first. We had sex all the time when we met, in fact secretly I wondered if all he liked about me was the sex! haha After marrying it got less and less every year. Then he injured his back and now he says he just can't perform....on top of the fact the he truly never really had a big sexual desire......and on top of that he is 14 years my senior. I am now trying to cope with the fact that sex is over. He is 62 now and I don't ever see it happening. We love each other very much as we do the Lord. My Christian girlfriends tell me that God doesn't want us to stay in a marriage that is unrighteous....which I agree with. They think at his core of his heart, which is what God looks at, my husband just doesn't want sex anymore and that is against God's desires. Ultimately I want what God wants.....I wish I knew which one that is. Any suggestions out there would be appreciated.<br />
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Thank you for the kind comment on my writing. I love to write and EP has given me a forum to use my writing. Tonight I don't feel as forgiving towards my husband. The past few days have been hard and I am unhappy with him. Very unhappy. Like anything, my negative feelings ebb and flow with the days events.

excuse me i didn't feel entertained, but my fingers got crazy....I wanted to tell that I never got married, but i'm pretty aware of how does it feel when a woman is consistently rejected as... a woman. I've had that experience also, and with two different men, and it lasted about two years with one of them and about three with the other one. <br />
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I'm convinced it happens more often to women. It's not only my case. <br />
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You're wise, sure, but I'm not ready to forgive yet. I'm yet angry with men who behave that way, that just desert their lovers. I haven't forgiven those two "men" of "mine", but my bitterness against them for their rejecting seemed to freeze when I performed some kind of "heart endodoncy", by cauterizing the root of my love and libido towards them. I managed to stop wanting them. "kill the nerve" I would call it....<br />
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As you know well, In this moment of my life those sexless-touchless-intimacyless memories have no significative weight in my lack-of-affection background...<br />
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But I'm still bitter against that kind of general.<br />
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oh, by the way, you are really a telented writer!

I would like to tell everyone that reads this story how special of a person this lady is. I will go as far as to say she is my Adopted Mom. She is so full of wisdom and kind words. When I joined this site she commented on one of my stories and has been and will be a life long friend to me. We are all blessed to have her on this site.<br />
Wonderful Story!!!!

Hi<br />
I taught I had issues since my wife left for another person, the difference here is that your are way ahead of the game, you are extremely intelligent and able to deal with this sad issue, but their also something that you have and is not outthere anymore<br />
Good luck<br />

Dartist,<br />
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so beautiful and inspiring. I too truly believe in the power of positive thinking and to me attitude also plays a major role in all our lives. Much like you I can't change my husband I can only change myself and in realizing this and actually working on doing so, life is not so hopeless anymore. Again thank you and much love and appreciation to you for these words of, shall we say wisdom.

Much appreciation on your reflection.... <br />
As I struggle to make my marriage the one I want, I too reflect on the world today.<br />
I am a nurse and I reflect on the tradegy, loss and triumphs of the people I see everyday. You have pointed out a reminder of looking at the "bigger picture", and enjoying the little things in life. Something very importnant to notice when we feel at our most lost

Thanks to all of you who commented on what I have written. It has been awhile since I shared a story here and I am so glad that I was led to do this today. We all have the ability to grow and change how we react to our circumstances. My anger of a year ago hurt me the most and kept me from realizing exactly what it is that I need and want in my life. <br />
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Something very important that I learned is that I can only draw positive and loving things into my life if I first am positive and loving towards others. Don't get me wrong. I still have my bad days and there will be more of them but they are coming farther and farther apart now. <br />
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Time for me to wind down here tonight. I feel very blessed and at peace with my life right now. I wish the same feelings for all of you too.

D...<br />
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insight. Attitude is everything. Your attitude is positive and forward looking.<br />
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Best of luck...

how wonderful that you are at a place of being able to accept others as they are -- that is really a very, very difficult task that some of us never get to no matter how hard we try.<br />
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thank you for sharing your story, and i hope you continue to improve and feel better and better.

dartist - hugs & love to you <br />
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you have come so far, keep going :)

Thank you so mucy for your "power of positive thinking".<br />
All of us are a success story in our own right.<br />
God Bless you.

Very well said . EP'S people R GREAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Accepting people for who they are frees me. <br />
I cannot change anyone but myself. <br />
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Thank You for these words of wisdom, which you have acquired through your journey on this rocky road called marriages. The above quote from you should be on our introduction page because it has such value.<br />
Blessings for your post today -- I have a feeling we all needed that right about now!