Should I???

So about 8 months ago I met the woman of my dreams.  The one I believed was my (long searched for) soul mate.  And we moved in together four months ago.  And we're planning to get married in June.  But she has no sexual desire for me at all - although she certainly did at first.  So she wants a "Boston marriage".  We're not kids - 48 and 52 - but... I'm still extremely attracted to her.  We have everything in common, including goals, morals, beliefs, etc.  She's my best friend.  However, I always wanted it all...  Thoughts?  Advice?  Suggestions?

orangehair orangehair
51-55, F
16 Responses Feb 24, 2009

agree with many on here. the resentment will turn what you have now into something ugly and twisted. if you let it go now, you can have the memories and, hopefully, the friendship of the person you care for -- rather than being bitterly bound to a person who couldn't be what you needed her to be.

It is my opinion that you should RUN. You haven't been together very long and already the proverbial honeymoon is over. Trust me. If you stay then your resentment will grow. It may take a month or a year, but eventually you will resent her like anything! And it will be way more complicated to extricate yourself from the relationship at that point.

I agree with others who say: postpone your marriage. Do not leap into it. Having a piece of paper signed by a court magistrate will not magically cause your wife to get interested in you physically. Sit down with her and say, Honey, I love you very much, and there are some very serious issues we need to get help with before we commit to this relationship long-term. It's better for both of you. Find that courage inside you, then report back to us. Good luck!

P.S. My sister met the woman of her dreams last October and was planning to bring her home (half way across the world) to meet the family this summer. The lady in question suddenly needed some me time (unusual, I thought in the first flush of romance) After her time out, she realized she no longer loved nor wanted to be with my sister. I'd be very wary of these "of my dreams" people. Maybe it's that they don't do wake time very well??

I'll add my tuppencehalfpennyworth to that. I'd suggest a cooling off period. You're not together long enough at all! Try a year together without the physical intimacy and if you you still want to be together this time next year, I bet a Spring's beautiful in Boston for weddings. Good Luck!!

I would say at this stage DO NOT GET MARRIED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
What ever U chose 2 do, I would not get married any time soon !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you have some red flags you really need to address and it is early. good for you in seeing them but now strength is required.<br />
sexual intimacy is the bond that holds all the other building blocks together in a marriage I believe <br />
I also think in being best friends it is hard because you want what is best for you friend and if she is just settling you really would not want that for a best friend..... even if its you. <br />
I would say do some research here is a good place to get insite, be open minded in your searches and do the deep discussions with your beloved. Take care of yourself for in doing so you will be taking care of your best friend

i agree with the others, but before bolting perhaps you might consider just getting down to the hard questions. questions worth being bold about, to her and to yourself.<br />
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did she enjoy sex when you were having it? if so, what has changed for her? does she no longer find you attractively sexually? does she find herself unattractive sexually? are there things you may have been reticent to do to please her? things she didn't want to do to please you? and a really tough one, does she find pleasuring herself more fulfilling for whatever reason?<br />
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i personally don't believe that 'not being interested' is a end unto itself. there is *some* contributing factor.<br />
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these are critical things to find out because i agree so sincerely that it is a vital part of maintaining intimacy in all aspects.<br />
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my wife and i came to a standstill. strangely enough, i wanted emotional intimacy before caving in to just being a 'piece of meat' to fulfill her need to be desirable. she wanted sex to lead to intimacy. we both eventually stood our ground and stopped having sex.<br />
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now she is divorcing me after 17 years of marriage. in retrospect, i'm kicking myself for refusing to go 'her route'. i mean really, what would it have cost me? nothing.<br />
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i would predict your marriage wouldn't survive. and the heartache is unbearable after the fact. you will be wise not to sacrifice something so incredibly important. sorry for the novel but this is very close to my heart and don't want anyone to suffer the same fate.

Maybe shes going through hormonal changes or something. Have you to her about it? If not I would and then maybe have her go see her Doctor. There could be other issues involved like stress or what not.

Hey Fun55,<br />
You are doing VERY WELL! As a school teacher (you'd never have guessed - lol!) I think you are due for a stamp that says "much improved"!! Any time now you'll get a GOLD STAR!!<br />
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Joking aside, I thought your post and Bazzar's were both really good. I think all of us in this situation would not like to see someone else in it - especially if they have had advance warning it could happen.

Don't walk away.<BR>RUN !!<BR>Somewhere out there, lurks a person who can fulfill you in every way. Sometimes, that person will just fall in your path. You don't have to go in HOT PURSUIT of this person (who you have not met yet), they'll find you. <BR>If you hang about in this relationship, inevitably there will be complications, they might be that bad you have to disentangle yourself from the relationship ultimately - and the energy you so expend could be better used elsewhere. It ain't fair to the other party either. They have at least given you a "heads up" early and all credit to them for doing that. It's your call from here. If, you can forego this aspect of the relationship WITHOUT RESENTMENT, then you can forget I ever posted this comment. All I urge is "make an informed decision." Many of us here have had this matter thrust on us after some years. You have a choice at an early stage.

Amen to joeygregor!! DO NOT MARRY HER!!!!! I know we are not supposed to give advice (just support) but please!! Under no circumstances walk into this situation.<br />
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Joey is 100% correct. The first poster is young and no doubt means well but has NO idea what is entailed in being married to a "sexless" partner.<br />
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FYI I am 57 and sexless for nearly 13 years and I am climbing the walls!! Age does not dim our sexual needs or wants in most cases - altho' it may change te way we express them.<br />
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PLEASE do as Joey suggests and read all the stories and the forum topics. <br />
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Then, I repeat, DO NOT end up in the same situation as us!!!

Go ahead.....and then you will end up in this forum with the rest of us.<br />
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Please read our stories and think this one through, friend. <br />
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There are so many of us who love our spouses and want no one else to be with and yet, because of the loss of the intimacy, we live in a certain state of rejection and pain.<br />
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No, sex isnt everything but it is a very important part of a whole relationship.

I ran into this as well, I'm half your age. My wife and I did it at the beginning a lot and then all of a sudden she had no desire. It turns out that women who've had multiple previous sexual partners end up getting bored and I think it's because they've had variety and now they're bored. You might wanna ask her if there's something that she's done before that she's never done with you and see if what happens. It could be just mine and maybe I'm wrong.One way or another this is gonna cause bigger issues than you think cause men feel the same way when turned down from sex as woman do when you don't tell them how much you appreciate them or do small things for them letting them know you care. I'm no proffessional so take this all with a grain of salt.Good luck.

Oh, she asked me! And I said yes. I told her though that I felt she was "settling", and asked if I felt that I was - and I said no, because the only person I would want to make love with is her, so not being with her at all wouldn't help anyway!

you want to know if you should get married? i think that if you already live together and share so many common goals in life, that you should take that next step to "seal the deal". i have been living with my bf for years now, and i'm waiting for the day he asks me to marry him, but i'm not gonna wait forever. so if its something that she wants, don't wait too long.