One Sided But Not Sexless

My marriage is one sided but not sexless. Although I would love for the passion to be mutual, for me, one way sex is preferable to no sex. How many out there have spouses who actually refuse to have sex? How many have spouses who are reluctant but will cooperate? I find it hard to go without sex for long periods. If my wife refused sex altogether I would ask her if she wanted to be friends or lovers. I don't want to come across as insensitive, but I think it is ok not to be too concerned with the mood or needs of a spouse not willing to meet you half way.


foolsrushin foolsrushin
6 Responses Feb 25, 2009

Foolsrushin,<br />
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Read your other posts, understand you have struggled with this for a long time and born a lot for your family. <br />
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Just to be clear, since a few refusers have responded, I'll be answering from the I Love Intimacy and S*x perspective. For me, one way s*x is NOT preferable and not wanted. I am NOT okay with charity s*x and that rules out begging and crying. I want a partner who actively wants me and I think that is a reasonable expectation. And am not yet ready to settle for less. <br />
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And so in my marriage there is no show-down, have it / do it with me now or else I walk out the door forever. It was talked about back then, when I still really cared about making it work. But after a while, I stopped desiring my husband that way, self protective I'm sure (he's attractive and fit). But I don't "feel" it. We are still together but I view our relationship as platonic. <br />
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Best of luck to you!

TinkerDill I stay currently due to my being ill and the economy. I don't really have much of a choice right now but thankfully I had to have a total hysterectomy and my doctor told my estranged husband not to touch me sexual. <br />
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Yesturday my husband ask me for oral and I flatly refused. I am thinking about continuing my mending at my brother's house should he suggest any other nasty act.

TouchMeNot<br />
You're staying in this marriage why? And it's so not mature to withold sex because of the way he's treating you. You deserve better. Just get out, save yourself.

I guess I feel that, ultimately, sex is a two-way act, and mutual satisfaction is integral. Sure, I've often "insisted" in order to get off, and it can work alright. But over and over again? For me it's gotten to the point that the attraction is no longer there, and for all practical purposes there simply isn't someone to have sex with. So even if I did feel that I could just do it my own, with her lying there (Woody Allen did a bit on this once), after a while I simply can't even get it up. Even when it does "work," it's deeply unsatisfying afterward when she has clearly not be all there.

Okay, I guess. I don't want my husband to touch me at all. Not so much of a hug. I do get a kick out of him when he tries to talk it out with me as I will no longer go to therapy with him. He ask me why I am so unhappy and when I say he blows up about it and invalidates my feelings. Then he wonders why he gets no sex.

I have much the same issues w my husband. I never actually refused sex. Just didn't need it as much and didn't "act out" the way he wished. Because of this, he gave up sex entirely, and is now very, very miserable. Reminds me of a pouting child. It's his method of guilt-inducing control.<br />
Seriously now, if you go to restaurant with your heart set on a certain dish and it is unavailable, what kind of person just says "Well, I won't eat anything at all then. I'll just sit here and starve to death". (And, by the way, don't even look like you are enjoying YOUR food either!) In terms of sex, I used to say: Fer God's sake, just take me the way I am! I got really tired of hearing myself compared to his ex-lovers, who were, of course, all fantastic!<br />
He'd rather give up something because it isn't exactly the way he'd like it. Me, myself....I just chose to order something different on the menu.