Why Do We Do It to Ourselves? Why

Why do we do it to ourselves??

Our sexless partners have no understanding for how we are hurting,

how we are aching for them to show us some intimacy,

how they ignore our words of begging and pleading,

how they do not see us being destroyed from the inside out,

how selfish and self centered they are,

when you plainly tell them how you feel, what you need and are dismissed,

they make excuse after excuse after excuse for why it is not them but we, the denied spouse, have all the problems,

why we cry time and time again to release the hurt,

how our futures are destroyed before they ever start,

how they are ripping the family apart, one denial after another,

how they in the end, they will be lonely and by him or her self.

So said that they do not understand.

So why do we do this to ourselves?


cstreaker cstreaker
51-55, M
11 Responses Feb 25, 2009

Thrive,<br />
So very true.. Would you be my counselor? harboring hope so BIG in my life right now but knowing deep down it will not be, or will it? See I am who I am. How quickly the pain of being rejected leaves us when you are separated.

Why do we do it to ourselves? Socialization, values ... believing in the commitment of "to death do us part" ... struggling with what is best, sacrificing personal needs for some other good, not believing we are worth living our best life / honoring our self. Or feeling it would be too painful, to traumatic to children, family, whomever. Still harboring hope. Pain of separation. Fear of judgment. <br />
<br />
It takes courage to speak the truth and own ones life, but there is also a value implied in doing so, mainly that preserving one's self, honoring individual needs is worthwhile.

Another great book by her, Tinkerdill, if I may, is When Good People Have Affairs. I have been blown away by her writing.<br />
<br />
CS: Why do we do it? Because we don't believe we deserve any better, or can do any better. We become infant like, scared, quivering invalids. We forget what it feels like to love and be loved, sort of.<br />
<br />
Why? Because we hold onto the memory of what it was, or what it could have been. In my own case it was the fantasy of him. What I imagined my life would be like with him. I didn't want to let that dream go, for then I would have failed.

Reflections3,<br />
My SO will be married 40 years this summer. He cannot bear the thought of still being married to her while loving me on that day. So he will leave. <br />
<br />
But like you he wonders. What if I leave him? (Not going to happen). Where will he live? How will he live alone (He never has). When asked why he doesn't just move out do you know what he says? (swear it's true) "Who'll iron my shirts? I've never made a bed, never. I don't know how. She doesn't know how to pump gas or use an ATM card."<br />
<br />
Since I can do all those things, I say in my best 'cowboy up/pull up your big boy pants' voice, "Well maybe it's about time for BOTH OF YOU to learn the basic abilities of everyday living."<br />
<br />
Too Good to Leave has a chapter that addresses your fears (and his) and she offers these words of comfort from those whose marriages they judged too bad to stay in. They are all glad they did. They found new strengths, new friends and new power. Go for it, you deserve happiness not the status quo.

I have that book in my Amazon cart ... read excerpts from it and think it has excellent content. Thanks for reminding me.<br />
<br />
I want to believe so much in change and torn between what will happen to me if I leave and how will life be after 40 years of marriage. I am lonely with him .. I don't get me.<br />
Thanks for your confidence and you are right about the prayer ... we have to change ... Bless You!

Reflections3<br />
Thank you for the complement.<br />
Now, another light bulb. God helps those who help themselves.<br />
He and I are both reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" a Step by Step Guide to help you decide whether to stay or get out of your relationship" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I'd recommend it as a good first step before personal therapy (if you are so inclined). <br />
<br />
One insight from the book: Most people look at their marriages in terms of a balance scale. We believe that each negative is the same size as each positive. Far better she says (and i'm coming to believe it) to answer her series of diagnostic guestions. You may find that your marriage is worth saving. You may decide it's time to leave. Because while the Serenity Prayer is good, everyone must realize that the one thing you can always change. And that is yourself. I wish you luck.

I like that one TinkerDill -- "choose life over mere existence"<br />
I can visualize it but the leap is so long from here to there, although we all yearn to live fully.<br />
<br />
Thank you for your insight.<br />
<br />
God Grant Me The Serenity<br />
To Accept The Things I Cannot Change<br />
The Courage to Change the Things I Can <br />
and the Wisdom to Know the Difference

Shortguy, cstreaker has it right. My significant other is still married to his sexless wife. For the past 3 weeks since he's told her about us, as he was trying to leave, he has been in agony. Because after working so hard to screw up the courage to live the remaining years of his life knowing physical love and affection, he got sucked in by her promise that she'd do anything (even sex! but not oral!!!) to keep him. <br />
<br />
He and I both know we'd be happier together. But we both know he still loves her, she's a broken cup, but he can't quite put it in the trash...yet. But at least now she's admited what the problem is (an aversion to sex) and she's just not demonstrative and uncomfortable with her body (which is not bad, I must say).<br />
<br />
20 years without sex and she says, you stopped asking for it, I thought you were okay with it. WTF!?!?!?!?!<br />
<br />
He will leave her soon. He will choose life over mere existance. I urge you all to do the same.

Shortguy,<br />
<br />
Question we all ask of ourselves. Is the broken cup causing you anxiety, emotional pain, suffering from rejection, etc. or have you just accepted that this is the way it is going to be and she is my mate and I will survive and be happy with her?<br />
I can not be happy and suffer greatly, my resentment and anger grew to unmanageable size. I had to act as i was thinking about suicide. Luckily many on EP were supportive and understood what I was going through. Just hope your situation is better than mine was. Thus the post, WHY DO WE DO IT TO OURSELVES? We can leave the abuse and neglect. It hurts but I feel much better than I did a year ago.

I wish I knew "why" but I have a gut feeling that knowing why won't really make it better or give us satisfaction. <br />
<br />
Why do serial killers stalk their prey? Why are some people incredibly self-destructive? Even if you know "why" someone does irrational things that hurt themselves and others, what is even worse is that often just can't stop. Perhaps therapy might help (In my case it made things worse, really worse). <br />
<br />
I've just accepted that my wife just plain doesn't do sex or physical intimacy. Period. She is a "broken cup".<br />
<br />
Now the question for me is "What do I do?" Do I throw out the cup and hope that I find a cup isn't broken (in that way) or live with a broken cup?

Being denied such strong needs is probably not your partners fault as we all behave as we wish to behave and have a right to do so. You, therefore, do have your own absolute right to seek satisfaction elsewhere. You have one life only and sexual activity is too damn good to throw away. Otherwise, your ability to do it will eventually evaporate with age and the memory of that barren time will be one of bitterness. Just be careful, do not feel guilty and keep your secrets.