Perhaps We Are All Too Patient

Perhaps we are all too patient and let past interactions with our spouses define our present status. Maybe we should react to a rejection with a little shock, ask whats wrong, are you not feeling well. Approach sex as if it was the natural thing to do ( which of course it is). I know most of us are too despondent to actually think anything will change anything, but I think we must not accept our status as unloveable rejects, as the status quo. To all you women out there I'm sure a gesture as simple as your hand on my knee would send my heart racing, so never blame yourself.


foolsrushin foolsrushin
6 Responses Feb 25, 2009

That's interesting. There was a time when I beat myself up along these lines "if only I'd gone ballistic the very first time it happened maybe it would have nipped it in the bud"<br />
The truth was that there were fundamental problems in the marriage and long dry spells were a symptom of these fundamental problems.<br />
It was the fundamental problems that eventually drove the marriage into the ditch, not the lack of sex - though it was the most visible symptom.<br />
I reckon I could have hunted the sex question harder, and probably got a result (ie more sex) but I there is no way that would have fixed anything in the bigger picture. Would've just been wallpapering the cracks. <br />
This is a personal reflection, unique to my experience, not intended to apply to 'all' circumstances.

LOL, I must have been the male equivalent of the nagging wife then, since my wife got quite irate early in the piece, once the excuses kinda got repetitive when I asked what was wrong. Getting up close and cosy was rebuffed repeatedly and overt self-gratification abysmally did not raise even an eyebrow. Nowadays, I usually leave it till our counselling session to do an update as she has to engage then.

I personally think that men tend to perceive our asking "what is wrong" as nagging. And what's less of a turn on then a nagging woman? I do approach it like it's a natural thing, because I believe whole heatedly that it is...and I am shocked that he's not interested. I've questioned if it's medical, another woman, or the extra 10 lbs I have put on. It is all perceived as nagging and soooo not a turn on. I have stopped asking and started kissing and nibbling and touching and groping and everything I can think of..all to no avail. For over 5 years no reaction. A couple of nights ago I stopped hiding the fact that I was "taking matters into my own hands", so to speak, and finally unintentionally got a reaction from him. At this point it's too early to tell if this is anything permanent or if the sight and sounds of me ************ just drove him to a breaking point.

R3 it's not too late. I know how you feel. You live with someone all these years and you really know so little about them. But more importantly, they know so little about us. I think that's what hurts the most.

I have conjured up all sorts of reasons why he doesn't want to be intimate, with or without sex.... and beginning to realize that I don't know him at all ... I can't read him because he throws up a smoke screen .. that keeps him in the driver's seat.... <br />
<br />
I am amazed at what I don't know about my husband after 40 years ... and heartbroken .... that this is what my life has become. Maybe it's not too late to find somebody that wants me just for me.

I think most of us did start out asking what's wrong. I know I did. Seven years of "nothing's wrong" have taught me that whatever it is, he's not going to tell me and pestering only leads to a fight.