Sexual Dysfunction With Relationship Dysfunction

It has come down to this;  Sexual Dysfunction with Relationship Dysfunction.

My husband is seeing a Urologist at New York Presbyterian Hospital tomorrow who specializes in male sexual dysfunctions.  After many tears and fights, he approached me with the realization he was having more sexual problems than he wanted to admit and he was doing this for "Us" and our marriage.  I am happy that he is going to be diagnosed and treated.  I should be ecstatic.... things are looking up (pun)!  I am also attuned to the fact that some of our problems are relationship based. 

Thankfully, my daily existence with him has improved since I stopped him from controlling me.  He is still a yeller, but I won't accept that behavior anymore.  When he insults me, I demand an apology, whether it comes or not, I don't let it go by me.  Because I have ADHD he said it was his job to keep me focused and that's why he always had to tell me what to do, when to do it, how to do it, etc.  Now he says I am self sufficient and can do things by myself ..   but he never changed, I did. 

To lighten this story up, let me relate a funny (?)  incident from last night ... I went to bed late and snuggled up to my husband, as I always do ... most of the time he rolls away or if he's in a deep sleep I can fall asleep as I call it, "in the shadow of his warmth" ... before he wakes up and realizes how close I am to him...  I started touching his thighs and when he moaned, I continued to his limp penis until he became hard.  He pulled off my nightgown and started to caress my breasts .. believe me it doesn't take much .. sad to say ... and I was "there' .. I thought he wanted to do it quick because he told me recently that we should do it fast when he becomes erect, since he loses it.  So, stupid me, climbs on him and starts rocking ... he seemed to be as into it as he always is ... so maybe that was my mistake, because he really wasn't... and all of a sudden he pushes me off of him and throws me to the side of the bed and I'm hanging off the mattress.  He said "this sucks" ..which I think means he lost his erection .. even though I didn't think he did... and then he hugged me close...  I of course, break down in tears ... feeling so distraught from even thinking this was going to be something good.  This morning when we talked, he told me that his back was hurting when I was on top of him, and I was too animated. Ouch!! Why didn't he just say so?

He further told me today that this was his sexual problem, not my problem ....  I told him that isn't all there is to this ... just sexual performance ... I need the love, touching, conversations, hugging, touching in bed, throughout our life together, not only during sex.  I want to delight in lovemaking while I still alive and breathing. 

In talking about these issues this morning, he was squirming in his chair, eyes darting and looking for an escape route.  I called him on it and he said I was right ... that we are both as at the end of each polarization as two people can be... he doesn't like to talk, likes to be alone, doesn't like to be touched, can't help it if I like to be hugged because he said he doesn't understand why I need hugs.  We talked about being sexually mismatched and he said if "things" couldn't be helped that we would divorce so we both could be happier. 

Without my constant intense desire for his touch, I fear we both would have fallen into the celibacy phase that some marriages turn into, and there wouldn't be a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

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I wrote a few stories on EP. (reading them might bring some insight)

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Found on another website of sexless marriages:

“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.

 

reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
1 Response Feb 25, 2009

Reflections3 - YOU ROCK!! : )<br />
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First off, I have to say thank you for sharing this story - it is actually quite uplifting to hear of someone who realizes that they are in control of their own happiness (I know that I sometimes give too much of that control away, but your story helped me to remember that WE make our own choices - to a large extent, WE decide how we react to our situations).<br />
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You have obviously taken control of your own life and I applaud you for this! I think the single most important thing we here in this forum can do is to refuse to give in to the despair and sorrow that threatens to overwhelm us every day.<br />
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I also applaud your husband. I don't know your husband (obviously) and I don't speak for all men (obviously), but I think he's doing a courageous thing by seeing the doctor and taking responsibility for his lack of performance (hopefully temporary). When he said "this sucks" he may very well have been talking about himself.<br />
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He may be just as frustrated as you are and ashamed as well. Just as many women feel ashamed if they don't feel attracitve to or wanted by their significant others, we men can feel humiliated, frustrated, inadequate and about a hundred other things, if we don't feel that we are good lovers. After all, many women believe that all we ever think about is sex, so what kind of men are we if we can't do "it" at will? Hogwash, of course, but that's what our society teaches us. So, I give him lots of credit for taking responsibility (and you should too!).<br />
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The fact that he's doing something about this (going to a urologist) and was willing to talk to you about it (albeit with lots of squirming) is HUGE! Divorce is, of course, an option, but based on what you have said, there is at least some willingness on his part to work with you and, if you still love each other, I would suggest you do as much as possible to work it out. <br />
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I am a huge proponent of therapy, both for couples and individuals and, if that is an option for you, I would recommend it. In the case of my wife and I, it has been the only way we can discuss things about our relationship and lack of intimacy without it spiralling down into a fight and, while it hasn't always been painless, I do think we're making progress.<br />
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Best of luck to you - I think you will find your happiness in the end!<br />
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BTW - my avatar used to make me think of how things were spiralling down. Now that I am taking control of my own happiness, I like to think that I'm spiralling UP. Thanks for reminding me of that!