Not Alone

For starters...nice to see I am not alone.

I have been in the same relationship now for 13+ years, been married for the last 7 years.

Not unlike most relationships ours started with passion and a very strong sexual relationship.  She was always a bit aggressive, hated foreplay and oral sex.

As the years past our physical relationship became less and less to the point where it has been three years since we had sex.

I love my wife dearly and we have a strong relationship otherwise.  We talk about everything but sex and she refuses to discuss it when I bring the topic up.

I have always had a healthy libido and that hasn't changed and I cannot contemplate the notion of an affair.   Frustration does not begin to describe my feelings.

The worst part of all is that I truly believe I will never experience sexual intimacy in my life ever again.

I am not sure there is an answer? and perhaps my story is no different then others but I welcome all comments.

Thank you


finfan finfan
2 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Ditto what working on it said. Re-read it to save me the trouble of typing.<br />
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Finfan, by refusing to talk about it your wife is shutting you out of the marriage. There are many books on communicating with your partners, but therapy is the place to start when you know you want to save your marriage. But remember that a marriage w/o intimacy is NOT a marriage, it's a living arrangement and a piece of paper that allows you to file jointly. You deserve more.

My free advice (and worth every penny!) is to force the issue. <br />
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My wife and I would talk about the lack of intimacy in our marriage (I was always the one to bring it up) and it would usually end up with her yelling and denying there was a problem ("All you think about is sex!" - well, yeah! A drowning man pretty much thinks only about getting air!).<br />
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I finally told her that either we were going to therapy together or I was going alone (and I told her that our relationship was in serious trouble if she didn't go with me). She went with me. It's been painful and things aren't really better (in fact, there are times when they are as bad as ever), but we are making progress. I don't know if we'll be able to save the marriage or not, but I do know that I WILL find happiness in life again (I just hope it includes her - I love her very much and really think she deserves to be happy too).<br />
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The more I reply to stories and other posts, the more I realize that we all have to take charge of our own lives and do something about our unhappiness. As I've said before, there are no "do-overs" in life: you get one shot and that's it! If I truly felt that there was going to be no sexual intimacy between my wife and I (or even if I had to live with the little bit of intimacy that we do share), I would already be out the door.<br />
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It's important to remember that we DO have choices. All of us. They may be difficult decisions and we may have to give up much of what we've worked for, but I for one do not want to be on my dying bed and realize that I wasted all the love I have to share. No way! I'm seizing the reins and driving this cart now!<br />
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There IS an answer, but it may not be the answer we wish for.