Honestly! How Did I End Up In This Position?

When I met my partner five years ago, I never thought I would end up in the position I'm in today.  I guess if I look back at that time, my mood was on the low side. 

My judgement isn't always sound.  I have finally found out why.  I suffer from borderline personality disorder.  Let me be clear - I do not wish to excuse any of my poor decisions.  My diagnosis does help however to have a better understanding of myself.

Back to meeting my partner.  Oh what a sweet, gentle, handsome guy.  The first sign of trouble came early on in the relationship when he didn't want to "put out" (sorry for being crass) because he was too full from dinner.  Its kind of comical now, but it sure wasn't at the time.

Over time I started finding out just how many problems this guy has.  Filed bankruptcy two years before we met.  Lived at home with his Ma and Pa.  Menial jobs.  Chronic complainer.  Chronic headaches.  I ended up helping him out at many of his jobs because I felt bad for him and wanted to help him.

To be fair, he helped me out.  He is a good handyman and he redocrated my condo which helped when I sold it.  He also can be very charming.  He brings me coffee in bed every morning.

Our sex life has been abysmal for about 3 1/2 years.  If you do the math, it equates to me having had (mediocre) sex with him for about one year out of our 5 together.  His touch started creeping me out.  It didn't feel good or right at all.

About 2 1/2 years ago I tried breaking off with him.  Since I have problems breaking up with men, I did what I do best - act in the most dysfunctional way possible.  I asked him to move in with me.  Bravo. 

One of the main symptoms of borderline personality disorder is a strong aversion to being alone.  My daughter was moving out to attend university around the time I asked him to move in with me.  Since I am a single mom, my daughter and I were extraordinarily close and having her move out was traumatic.  Having him move in helped fill the void.

My profession is in the IT world.  I find myself recently unemployed after a 15 year lucrative career.  Now that I'm at home, I've become quite the computer hacker.  Unfortunately its like Pandora's Box.  Because what I've found out over the past two days is revolting.  My lovely, charming, handsome partner is enthralled with ****.  Not just any ****.  Nice young nulbile teenagers. 

So instead of "putting out" for me, he's visiting the palm sisters on a nightly basis.

I have to somehow find the strength to get out of this relationship.  Its doing neither of us any good.

zaj17 zaj17
46-50, F
1 Response Feb 26, 2009

I't is so hard to start over,somehow we get through it we find strength.I lived with a man for 25 years over 3/4 of thoes years were a living hell.He is gone now and I am so happy,I have a peace that passes all understanding.You search and keep on sharching one day you will calmly walk out. Good luck,Let me know how it works out.Many blessing to you.