My Wife Hates It.

I am sure that she wrote the book, "I hate to F***"

We have been married for 26 years, have raised two kids to their 20's and every time I made a move, it felt like I was trying to rape her.  Honestly, I feel like the worst lover on the planet sometimes. It has been 13 months and 3 weeks since my last encounter and even longer since I got a hug from her.  I have suggested a romantic partners revitalization weekend with a renown couples counsellor but she won't consider it.

So Now what?

MontiPora MontiPora
56-60, M
18 Responses Feb 26, 2009

In some relationships, it is about how you treat the person. But to say that's always the case is foolish and short-sighted. In my case, the man I married had sexual abuse issues he refused to work on healing from, and it turns out he is gay. However is free to choose how to live his life. At the same time, I am free to choose how to live mine. Anyone who knows me knows I am a very kind and loving person. However, you can't give someone what they refuse to receive or can't receive.

That being said, for those who have relationships that can be rebuilt, karezza can be a useful tool for making love sustainable. Sacred texts dot com and reuniting dot com

I wish I knew. I'm a wife with a similar situation. My husband was a sexual dynamo when I first met him. Every day, all day then slowly it petered out. LOL. But it did. He won't go to a doctor. I just gave up and have hobbies. I wouldn't consider going outside the marriage because it is him I love and want.

At age 50, men go through a reduction in testosterone just as you lose Progesterone. Once the hormones are gone, the interest in Sex fizzles...sad but true.

Ya I know. I wish he would see the doctor about it. He won't take vitamins or supplements of any sort. I've tried even the liquids but he revolts to any kind of taste. He is 49. I'm 50 and nothing has fizzled in my system except for endurance. But I am always willing.

It is your life you are sacrificing while "hoping". Been there, done that, got tired of being a martyr. I "hoped" for 20 years. Some people hope for decades. Others decide to stop hoping and start living.<br />
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Either choice is valid. It is up to the chooser.

A good distinction Celebriticat. If there is not relations, then there can not be a relationship. But I think even room mates can have a relationship without having sex.<br />
I think that so long as someone is trying, then there is hope. If you both give up, then it is over.

Still, you might want to read this book online, and just try it as an experiment. http://k.livingonlove.com/

In my view, when my husband refused to have a relationship, refused to talk about it, refused to work on it, we were already divorced. In some of the same cultures that came up with all these wedding vows, putting someone out of the marriage bed was considered divorce. It's only a relationship if you are relating.

That is an interesting idea, John. Thank you for that. I suspect that you live in a marriage that is complete and fulfilling. If that is true then well done. I hope you never have to deal with this issue.

what I'm not reading here is the interpersonal issues hat led to the absence of sex. I y'all are missing this ( or denying) this issue, you're on another planet, speaking a foreign language.<br />
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Sex has to do with intimacy, trust, respect, love. If there is verbal abuse, there can't be mutually satisfying sex. How can you say "I love you" when a few hours ago you said somehing like "you loser, you cuxx, you fat *****/bastard..." What is a spouse to believe when that come out of your mouth?<br />
For me, the more verbal abuse, the less I trust anything he says!

"If you can live with that, that is great. If you can't, you face the AWFUL situation of trying to decide WHAT to do."<br />
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I can live with it. I have lived with it for 15 years, with it getting worse over time-- something I did not think was possible. I can live with it even today.<br />
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I would hardly say "that is great". If I could not live with it, then it would probably be easier, as the course of action would be forced. But I can live with it, which means I need to choose, among options with indeterminate outcomes and where the impacts on others are impossible to know. <br />
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Which would be more damaging to the kids-- a divorce when we are already struggling financially, or to grow up picking up on the vibes of a sexless marriage and learning god-only-knows-what from it?<br />
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Would I get to be a part of my kids' day-to-day life? My wife would likely win custody because that is the way things are in my state. She would probably want to move to where her family is, and while I guess I could possibly block that, would I want to? A single parent would do better with a family support system. So what would I do there?<br />
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And let's not forget that I do love her, and she loves me, excepting for this one area of neglect. A huge omission, but leaving it aside, the relationship is great. And don't leave out the possibility that there may be a medical reason that just hasn't been diagnosed yet-- if this is the result of a physical condition, then that changes things in my mind.<br />
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No, I think it would be easier if I could not live with the situation. Then the answer would be clear- I would have no choice but to get out. Since I can live with it, now I have to deal with all these questions and possibilities and caveats and doubts. That makes it much harder.

Velo, I feel your pain. Give it another decade. Then you will hit the much disputed male menopause. After that, your whole life will change. 2KVII was the year I started to get old and new about it. Up to then, I was a 30 Y/O trapped in a 50 Y/O body. Time catches up with us all eventually. Now, I feel like an old man and remember my Father at this age, (may he rest in peace.)<br />
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Do any of the women out there have any suggestions to stoke the fires?

Feeling like a rapist in your own bedroom - I thought I wrote the book on that? I know how you feel dude. It is a terrible feeling to want to touch your wife and have her melt in your arms, only for the opposite to happen. When I initiate, my wife pushes me away fervently. Or she tenses up and tells me to stop with anger. For years I felt just terrible - I would curl up and languish in guilt. Lately I have been feeling nothing when this happens - no anger, no apathy, no remorse, no pain...just empty. I just shut down, get out of bed, and walk away. I just want to get away and feel numb. Actually, I think numb is the new sex for me - it feels better than any of the alternatives. <br />
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For years I tried to make things better - we tried open communication, counseling, "cuddling more"...nothing helped. Now, nearing 40, I was hoping that my sex drive would diminish...no such luck. So, where do we go? I think we need to understand that change is not likely in the cards, and thus we need to decide if our relationship is, all things considered, satisfying. Nobody is perfect, but in my mind there are several key ingredients to a good relationship - friendship, trust, love, intimacy and sex, to name a few. I think the relationship will not work if these fundamentals are not there. <br />
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Good luck dude.

I think the dilemma is the same for most of us - we love our spouses - they love us. In most ways our marriages are pretty good but the elephant in the living room is NO SEX. <br />
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If you can live with that, that is great. If you can't, you face the AWFUL situation of trying to decide WHAT to do.<br />
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After a while on this forum it becomes very clear that the "refuser" will not willingly change in the large marjority of cases.<br />
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Men can sometimes insist on sex - but mot of the guys here don't find that a satisfactory answer. Women can almost never force sex - and again, most of us wouldn't want to. We all want willing and loving partners.<br />
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Each of us must do what is right for ourselves - and I send each of you my very best hopeful wishes for asatisfactory result.

My wife loves me. Of that I am sure. She just hates sex. As a responsible caring and loving partner, don't I have an obligation to honor her wish and leave her alone? Life is give and take. I guess I would like to take more, but in this case, I need to give. I can see the value of "tough love" and have used it in the past for a variety of issues, but walking out on a rel;ationship after a quarter century is not the answer.

Interesting idea...but it has been so long that I don't even care about it anymore. After 5 years of celibacy, all the testosterone has drained out of me.

Please don't let vows hold you to something that is so destructive. A vow is made to hold you together in times of stress or temptation. Such as when you start flirting at a party and you know it could easily go further, remember your vow.<br />
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When the kids are abominable, the mortgage is overdue and the partner is in a filthy mood, don't succumb to the temptation to walk out the door - remember your vow.<br />
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BUT!!! when the other person consistently breaks his/her vow and shows NO signs of returning to a regular marriage, the vow becomes meaningless. The deal has already been broken by your spouse.<br />
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I compare it to a business contract - while both sides adhere to the contract we are honour bound to do so. But once one side abdicates and "does their own thing" the contract no longer has value.<br />
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Please consider this viewpoint when deciding on your future.<br />
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You DESERVE happiness - and you only have ONE life.

Well said WorkinOnIt. Same boat here. It's definitley neglect, which makes me feel abused.<br />
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And good luck MontiPora. I wish you well.

I know what you mean about the vows - I do take them very seriously. However, she also took a vow to love, honor and cherish me and that really isn't happening. I will break my vows (and will have no problem living with myself) if it doesn't get better. What I have been going through is getting close to abuse - it really is - and I wouldn't expect anyone to stay with an abuser.<br />
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I will not foraske my own happiness just to keep my vows - life is too short and you only get one shot.<br />
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Good luck.

Thanks, I am already seeing a psych for depression. Divorce is not an option for me. I made a vow to love honor and cherish till death do us part, forsaking all others.... You know the rest. Councilling is a good venue and I have not given up on that yet. I have some idea for next year if there is any cash left over.

This isn't really enough information, but I would consider couple's therapy and, if she won't go, then go alone (I gave my wife that choice and in couples' therapy now).<br />
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I know for me, if there was no hope of being intimate again (hugs are absolutely necessary for intelligent life!), then I'd gone (the jury is still out on my marriage).