Sobriety and Rejection

Five years ago my husband came out in the open about his alcoholism. It was a desperate situation. Despite having an important, extremely well paying job, at home he was literally a falling down drunk. Finally he took a leave from work and started to drink himself to death. To make a long story short, he didn't die of drink, he joined AA and went to a treatment center for 28 days. He has been sober for 5 years now and physically he is cured. However mentally he has been what they call a "dry drunk". When he came home from the treatment center he first rejected me physically claiming he had a bad cold (which was true). As he progressed in his first year of sobriety he became more critical of me. It seemed he had to make a negative comment about the way I did every little thing. Looking back I can now see that this behavior was mentally & emotionally cruel. When I confronted him about there being no sex in our life, he said it wasn't "appropriate" any more. I do not go to Al-Anon but I do meet with his AA sponsor's wife. She has been a God send over the past few years. Anyway his attitude towards me has improved as his time in sobriety increases. He still likes to criticize how I do things but in the last year I have noticed a huge improvement in attitude. However, still no sex! I don't think he gets how this makes me feel or what it does to our relationship. I feel rejected. There is no intimacy between us. I feel like I am nothing more than a manager for the house - not a companion, friend or lover. I think he handles sobriety by taking on the one role he knows best - his role at work i.e. top manager. His role at home, that of husband, friend, lover or loving father seems to be missing. With his critical attitude I certainly watch what I reveal to him. Nothing confidential for sure. What kind of marriage is this? However we have been married for 33 years. The first 25 years were great. I thought he was my best friend and until his alcoholism got out of control the sex (I thought) was great. Whenever I bring up the subject he never take my desire for sex seriously. I am pretty sure he masturbates daily. I think the only way I will ever have sex again is to either take a lover or leave him for another. So that's my story - I am living in perpetual Winter Chill & waiting for the spring & summer that never seems to come.

WintersChill WintersChill
51-55, F
3 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Maybe you should buy yourself a nice Rampant Rabbit vibrator and start ************ with it all over the house, even if he's in the room. See what he says then.

Good feedback. I would like to ask him why such petty things are so important. Does it really matter how things are packaged up to go to a charity? Or which way the lasagne pans go into an oven? Are these petty matters more important than my feelings? Plus when he has become an iceburg emotionally and all communication becomes criticism, it hurts more than it would normally.

Is it possible to visually record him when he is being critical. Then play it back to him to see what it looks like. Ask him is it more important for him to be right or to be loved. Every time he is overly critical of you he is driving you further and further away from him. He is reaching the point of no return. The marriage either means enough to him that he will change his behavior and you will stay or he will not change his behavior and you leave. Put it to him in those terms. He will not change his behavior then you have to make the difficult decision to stay or leave.<br />
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The sex part is a difficult question. I have the same problem with my wife. She walked into the bedroom naked one time. I said to her give me a hug. She said why. That hurt more than if she stabbed me with a knife and twisted it. You have the same choices that the rest of us have. Either you accept things the way they are or move on with your life. The probability of him changing is extremely remote. I have read many many stories on this board. The sad reality is that people seldom change. I wish you well.