Always Turned Down.

I am enduring a sexless marriage.. It is killing me to be in this situation, but I remain in it because I am financially strapped and more importantly I don't want to hurt our children.

I have made the decision to stay because I am an adult and from a divorced family. I know how it can, and will affect the children in the wake of the divorce. I can not bear to see the pain and looks on the faces of our 13 and 10 yo girls. So I stay.

I have been turned down in every way a man can be turned down by his wife. I even think she made up some thing that were not in the rule book. It hurts to be left alone and in my mind thought of as a "Pay Check" not a partner.

I have strong sexual desire and a strong desire to connect with a woman that truly enjoys me for who I am. I am a reasonably decent looking guy, I am a good provider and have a great job. We recently bought a new house and live the American dream except when it comes to the physical aspect of our relationship. I have a foot of space between us at all times in our Queen size bed and am admonished if I touch her while in bed either by accident or other wise.

I am sick of being rejected. Sick doesn't even begin to describe what I feel for rejection. I know it sounds bad and wrong but I have decided to look for a friend that has benefits. I know it is wrong, but I am not getting any younger and I cannot leave right now. I hope that your comments are not to harsh but I also know that some of you know how I feel.

pilot612 pilot612
46-50, M
8 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Oh how painfully familiar your story is. My parents divorced when I was 8 yrs old. My daughter is now 8 and I couldn't bare to think of her going through what I went through. In fact, I've told my wife that whether or not she likes it, I'm staying. I can endure the rejection when I think about the alternatives. Besides, other than sex, my marriage is good. We usually don't fight and don't hassle each other. Recently we talked for a few hours about our situation. Not that things significantly changed, but she essentially stated that she would not blame me for looking elsewhere. I am way past my prime, but occasionally women still hit on me. I would be happier if I had a female friend that found me desirable enough to have sex with (even with my situation). Not that I've acted on it, but if the moment of decision came about, I would not hesitate. Knowing that it would not destroy my marriage certainly helps. So, my word of advice is this. Talk to your wife before you act on impulse, you may be surprised by the result.

"So you're trading the pain your children may have from divorce by allowing them to learn by example how to be the next generation of sexless wives?????<br />
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I cannot know what pain you experienced as the child of divorced parents. But it is not a given that your divorce will be as bitter as ur parents, or that in the aftermath your girls will be as damaged as you feel you were."<br />
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I am making the same trade. And while it is not a given that a divorce would be as damaging yada yada, I have seen enough in my siblings and in other families to think that I'll trade the devil I know for the devil I don't know. <br />
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I can't say it is optimal, though. The optimal way is to find a way to fix this-- something that is in many ways out of my control. Unfortunate, but not hopeless.

"I have made the decision to stay because I am an adult and from a divorced family. I know how it can, and will affect the children in the wake of the divorce. I can not bear to see the pain and looks on the faces of our 13 and 10 yo girls. So I stay. "<br />
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AAAAAAAAGGGGGHGHHHHHHHHH. Sorry. So you're trading the pain your children may have from divorce by allowing them to learn by example how to be the next generation of sexless wives?????<br />
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I cannot know what pain you experienced as the child of divorced parents. But it is not a given that your divorce will be as bitter as ur parents, or that in the aftermath your girls will be as damaged as you feel you were.<br />
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You and your wife need to deal with this like ADULTS. That means counseling.<br />
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As the mistress of a man in a sexless marriage, I have counseled some on this board to seek love outside of marriage, BUT NEVER WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN of the marriage.<br />
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Because right now they are learning that it's okay for mommy not to touch daddy. They see the lack of affection and they hear and see your frustration. When your affair is discovered (while it's happening or a decade from now) they will be terribly hurt and they will learn that men shouldn't be trusted AND they'll figure THAT'S why mommy never touched daddy....<br />
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IF the recent economic down turn truly makes divorce or separation impossible than you really need to make <br />
a commitment to healing your marriage through counseling, or self help. <br />
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That's just my opinion, worth exactly what you paid for it ;-) I don't judge you, my heart goes out to you. But my lover has been where you are. The affairs he had between ours (long story short: we had an affair for 2 1/2 years 28 years ago when married sex was 1,2 times a year) and then reconnected 5 months ago.) were ultimately unsatisfactory because there was no affection. He wishes now that he had insisted harder on counseling when things might have been fixable. Now that he's fallen in love with me, he realizes he just wants to find a way out.<br />
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Think hard and make the decision that's right for you. We will be here for you regardless. Good luck!

There seems to be so many people that are going thru this. I am actually shocked that there are so many sexless marriages out there. So many people hurting, what a shame. I commend you for your love and concern for your daughters and thinking of them first. Yes, having an affair is not right, but totally understandable. I dont understand how anyone can expect us to go on and on without the closeness and tenderness that lovemaking brings. I for one hope you find your way and I will do it without any judgements.

Hey man, stick it out for eight more years and then adios Muchacho! Get out and find love and life again! You'll not only be happier, but your girls will know you were a real Dad! They need the example of what a real man can be so they'll choose a good one when they want to marry.

I'm so glad I found this site. It's comforting to know that being miserable over lack of sex with my boyfriend isn't just a superficial need. For a while I thought I must be shallow, but it's not just sex I need, it's that special connection, intimacy, a type of bonding... <br />
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I too have thought about finding what I need outside my relationship, but even if I found the exact right person, I think I'd feel too guilty. So I'm toying with the idea of actually asking my boyfriend of 3 years if we can have an open relationship... if, since he's not that sexual, if I can have his permission to discreetly go get my needs met. If he's not doing it, how can he feel right about not letting me get that one little thing taken care of by someone else?<br />
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I haven't worked through all the cruddy feelings related to being in a sexless relationship. I'm angry.

I also share your pain. While having an affair would be morally wrong, it would certainly be understandable. I feel the same way. Men come on to me all the time, I'll be 45 this year and guys that look no more than 25 try to pick me up. I have never cheated on my husband, but if I wanted to it wouldn't be hard and my husband knows it. <br />
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My question is ..... what is it that they expect us to do? Stay married and faithful to them and never expect to make love ever ever again??? That is so selfish of them. Selfish and cruel!!!

I really understand. I am a woman in a sexless marriage. I also wish I had someone to just have sex with.