Not Alone....

While i never really believed it part of me felt that i was the only person i knew who was in a sexless marriage....very lonely. Now, having sex four times a year may be heaven for some but for me it is hell...because when we have sex its great, warm, fun and hot...in between nada. When we do have sex its not me who can decide when..its my wife. I gave up 15 years ago trying because the rejection rate was so high and there is nothing that will destroy a person more then being rejected by your spouse.....I wanted to cry sometimes i was so alone. We went through periods after our children were born of 16 months no sex, 13 months no sex and 7 months...Two of my children were conceived because we had birthday sex...

Its not the sex that i miss, its the passion, the touching, the skin on skin, the warmth, the anticipation, the romance....the idea that someone found me attractive. We have gone to counseling, talked about it, i worked on me and trying to be the best i can...but my wife simply says its her. That she has no desire....that it wasn't important....and i believed her...at least until the day i found her vibrator and realized she used it multiple times every week.....So now not only do i feel alone..i feel like a loser..

 

 

bournetc bournetc
51-55
6 Responses Feb 26, 2009

I just read your story, and mine is so very similar...same age, same history, same results ....now, after being told forever by my wife that she had no interest in sex. I found out this week that she uses a sex toy every week...I've read the other posts here, but I can't help feeling like a complete idiot...all the resentment and hurt that I've been trying to get past have come back twice as strong.... i want to confront her, but i know it won't change anything. <br />
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I've tried more than onceto talk to my wife about what's most important to me, the passion, the touching, the skin-on-skin, etc...I thought it would be a way to find common ground...some way to find intimacy that didn't involve the "sex" she didn't have interest in...she refused to even discuss it.....I actually told her that I missed holding hands so much that seeing other couples doing so made me want to cry at times....she told me I was "silly", and still shook my hand off hers whenever I reached for it. <br />
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I put up with all this because I loved her and hoped things would change. Now, it feels as if she's been cheating on me; and for the first time in my marriage, I am seriously considering going outside my marriage to find the intimacy I have done without for so long

You sir are my brother. The intamacy of touching is what hurts most.

We all marry with the enormous expectation that our days of sexual abstinence will be at an end and ************ will be replaced by intimacy and never sexual ending pleasure. Unfortunately it very seldom occurs, for the most part because the expectations exceed that of the realities.<br />
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The response received from the spouse many times does not measure up to the fantasies carried over from our youth. The additional pressures and responsibilities naturally incurred in a day to day marriage routine also play a big role as a deterrent to maintaining a comfort zone for sexual interludes. <br />
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In addition it is quite possible that the sexual expertise or implementation of sex can also inadequate. Of this o the most easily corrected is this because it can be discussed openly and improved upon if desired.<br />
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I shouldn't think that your wife's use of a mechanical sex toy is an direct insult to your ability, as a man. Largely because few human penises can vibrate to any great degree. It does indicate to me however that the desire for sexual stimulation in your wife is very much alive. and I think that you should work on that bit more.<br />
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I would suggest that you join in with her and assist here if she wishes.

My situation is very, very similar to yours. The dry spells perhaps a bit shorter, and I have not found her using a vibrator, although in one of our many many many many (painful) discussions on the topic of our love life, she claimed that she does ********** (I was trying to use that she didn't as further evidence of her libido being unnaturally low, hoping to convince her to talk to a doctor).<br />
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One of the biggest things I struggle with in all this is feeling like it isn't that she doesn't want intimacy, but that she doesn't want intimacy with me.

About the vibrator . . . when my DH and I had "the talk" I asked him outright if he ***********. He answered "yes". So I giuess the "refusers" as we call them still like the sense of release from sex, but they just don't want to be part of a wosome when they achieve it.<br />
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I use a vibrator only because I can't have sex - wouldn't want it if I had a lovely sexy man instead!! lol! Different strokes for different folks - but WHY do we have to be married to them??!!!

Bournetc,<br />
My heart goes out to you. It's like meeting my significant other 15 years ago. He's approaching his 40th wedding anniversary, the last 22 without sex or physical affection. He too loves his wife, but he knows she'll never change. But now that he has me he has an option and sees what he has been missing. He will leave soon.<br />
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What I mean about sounding like him 15 years ago, I mean that he kept hoping. Kept believing she would change. He knows now that without action nothing changes.<br />
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You at least have tried counseling. He could never get her to go. Like you, it's not the actual intercourse he missed (it was never really hot) but the touching. He is very tactile and he literally ached for a kind touch. He could be moved to tears by seeing a couple their age holding hands.<br />
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You need to continue to go to counseling. This recent discovery that she is self pleasuring is absolutely demeaning. You must continue to talk to her and ask her to be more honest. You and she must decide if the marriage is worth saving. <br />
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Please consider the example you both are setting for your children. My lover's wife was raised by parents in a sexless marriage. Her self proclaimed aversion to sex never needed to be disclosed (until now) because she felt a sexless marriage was normal. After all her parents never had sex, why should she and her husband?<br />
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So your kids are learning by osmosis. If they are girls they are learning not to touch the men who love them. If they are boys they see their father frustrated, and weakened. <br />
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For their sake, please consider leaving, at least a trial separation and seeing if you can meet someone who can love you totally.