It Is Crazy Making

You just think there is something wrong with you.  It is terrible on your self esteem.

I guess the thing I would share with other women is to know that there are many other women out there in the exact same situation, and it happens to women of every type (beautiful, successful, funny, kind, sexy).  But, I know that I have had to fight really hard not to let my husbands issues not become a commentary on me.

It is hard.  I don't want to go outside of my relationship for sex.  And, I won't.  I just feel I will crawl out of my own skin.  He has agreed to work on it, and see a dr, but it took years to get to this point.   However, it also took years to create a great friendship and success, and I won't just let that go easily because of sex.  This have it all is a myth.  You have some things at some times and different things at others. 

I guess I am rambling, but it is good to just write and figure out where I am now.  I know that even without sex, I like my life and relationship better then anything else I have ever had in my life.  We have more fun and laughs and conversation, and he has just recently come to a true place of honesty of where he has struggles, so who knows?  Maybe this type of acknowledgement can open him up to finally be open because everyone who has been through this knows, there is no forcing this issue.  It has to be come to together to even be willing to become vulnerable after this level of hurt.  I think that is the true obstacle.  Once you have been rejected and the other withdrawn at such a intimate level, it takes tremendous love & courage to be able to try again.  And, not repeat old patterns.   I think we will probably need outside help to bridge it.

I know I want to stay and he isn't going anywhere, so I guess it is the best starting place to be.  I have gotten over childish thoughts of escape or validating myself through other men.  i could dol that, it wouldn't be hard, but it isn't worth it and it would lead to its own consequences.  I must acknowledge that this period of time without sex has been good for me, in its way.  As a beautiful woman, I used to easily fall in to gaining confidence from my looks and attention from men.  But, experiencing this has made me find worth and esteem out of my codependent pattern of constant validation through male attention.  You can't go much to the other end then your partner not initiating sex at all (ever) or expressing any sort of physical desire for you.  That type of withholding is also about control, and since you can't dictate anothers desire, you can only learn to take care of yourself.  Women are assigned such value for their attractiveness and sexuality, and when you lose it in your own life after commanding such strong attention, it feels as if you lose worth.  This I think is a universal experience for all women as they age, but it is compounded when it comes into your most intimate relationship.  So, my gift has been my defining myself as a wider person, but my hurt has been the loss of closeness with my husband and a broken sexuality. 

Heaven help us break through this....

winniebe winniebe
36-40
3 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Thanks Kung.

Winnie: I think you are mature and brave to work toward a resolution. I wish you the best.

jln<br />
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I am not ignoring what is me. And while escape & validation from others can be okay, my problem is for a long while, I defined my whole persona through it. Struggles indeed bestow gifts. It is how we grow.<br />
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If you read the post, I am not ignoring the problem. I just know that I will not break my relationship with him because of this - we have many other things and perhaps, we can reclaim our closeness. We will try. I think you missed the point of my post. I wanted to share it because there are many other women who are in marriages of love without sexual closeness and they should not be dismissed out of hand. It is indeed difficult. This relationship has included many gifts and my learning to not define myself solely through a codependent sexuality is one of them. This certainly wouldn't be true for many women, it is my experience and I would advise you, if you are to comment, not to dismiss a persons experience out of hand.