Am I Really That Bad?

My husband and I have been married for three years, together for seven. We have 2 kids one is 2 the other is 4 months. Now I know kids = sex but hear me out! In the last three years we have had sex 16 times. I am 25 and everytime my husband turns me down I feel like I am a ***** or something. I practically have to beg him for sex, I feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting it more often. I haven't changed that much in seven years, I have gained about 25 pounds, but he has gained about 50. I have tried to talk to him about it and all he says is either,"I don't know why I don't want to have sex," or,"It feels better if we wait longer to have sex." I have been so angry with him that I have actually asked him if he was gay! We both grew up small town and were country kids his family has cattle and mine had horses and hunting dogs. We were friends long before dating because we knew eachother through 4-H. But something is wrong, a 27 year old man should want sex a little more often than every couple of months, if I didn't try to start something I don't know that we would have sex!!!

bottomsup bottomsup
26-30
5 Responses Feb 27, 2009

My concern is that there is a pituitary gland issue or something else medical, I have asked my husband to go to the Dr. but he won't. I even bought some new "toys" online, nothing freaky just for fun, and he sat and watched TV till 3 a.m. after I showed them to him and asked him to come to bed. I just don't know how to change things or make them better. I don't care for maturbation and I don't want to have an affair. All I want is for my husband to want to make love to me. What is really hard for me is that when we do have sex it is amazing. I don't know if it is because I was his first and he wasn't mine? I have asked him if that bothers him and he says no. I just wish there was a way to get him to open up about it. Soetimes I wonder if it is related to his father having an affair a few years ago. He just never says anything when I bring it up it doesn't matter if I try to just talk to him about it or if I am really upset at him about it, it is always the same answer of I don't know why I don't want to have sex anymore. When we first started having sex it was a weekly thing. I love all of your input if anyone else has any suggestions I would love to hear them!! Thank you all of you!

It's easy to see if it still works. :) Just look every morning. I'm a 30 year old man and, well, it's like clockwork.<br />
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I'm not sure if this helps or not, but as a 30yo married man, I'm actually quite content to initiate sex once or twice a month, if that. My self-esteem is not driven by ***********, and that reflects in my daily behavior. I'm very fortunate, however. It's easy to please my wife, so sometimes I'll "give a little" and get her what she needs so she can go to sleep. We both know where the other stands because we talk about it endlessly. Any time there is a change or a refusal of sex, it is always discussed. <br />
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I feel it is my obligation to tell her why I am saying no every single time I do so. And, I tell her honestly. I've given reasons like 1) Sorry, just don't feel like putting forth the effort tonight or 2) I'm not sure I'll achieve my own O tonight.. just not interested or 3) I'm mad about our fight earlier and not interested or 4) Good Lord woman, it's 3am and I work at 6am!<br />
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Either way, I tell her all of my reasons. She does the same for me. As married partners to each other, we must respect the reasons given and understand them. I believe your husband knows why he won't have sex with you. I also believe that he's afraid to tell you. There's probably something at play here which he can't or won't tell anyone except, perhaps, his doctor.<br />
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Drill on him gently and get him to open up to you. Be persistent, but don't nag. Make sure he knows that, above all else, you want to be naked and alone with him and that you want it constantly. It never gets old to hear that, and being reminded of your interest in him just might get him to 'fess up about what's going on.

well, the sexuality question is a legitimate one if you grew up in a rural area. i'm from such an area as well, and it's nigh on impossible for a man who is gay to admit that within the hyper-patriarchal world of the small-town farm community. <br />
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i'm sorry you are in this situation; it is a very painful place to be, but you will find kind, sympathetic folks here who are always willing to listen and comfort you. good luck to you.

Dear bottom, its a common theme around here "is it me?" A great person told me you cant destroy yourself confidence to help someone who doesnt help themself. As for tinkers medical questions i agree, a healthy man has an amount of erections overnight or while sleeping discretly pay attention and find out if its physical. Best wishes.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! You are right to be concerned. You are luckier than many on this board because you've come here early in the process. Now is the time to really, really try and communicate. Go to Amazon or Borders and check the self help books on marriage problem solving. Rekindling Desire is good; there are many others. Look for those which really teach communication skills. No straight man wants to be asked if he's gay, but there are ways to ask that are not so blunt. <br />
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There are many things yet to be ruled out like low testosterone, other medical problems, and the ever popular, girlfriend on the side....<br />
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I hope it's not the latter, but if it was it might be easier than getting him to talk and trying to identify the problem.<br />
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Good luck!