My husband and I have been married for 5 years, he is a great person and I really love him however, intimacy is the last in his list. Yes, we have sex every other day when he's not tired. He seems to have energy in other matters other than this. Anyways, i just feel terrible with this set up. I feel embarrased by my actions of wanting to have more intimacy in our relationship than him. It is making me all depressed ,i cant count the number of times i cried because he doesnt feel like doing it, he's tired, he doesn't want to get intimate with me during my period. He didn't seem to mind when we were still dating but now,it is not appealing for him. I am hurt. Embarrased by how i feel. I feel like a total idiot , being affected by this stupid thing. I love my husband so much . It is just really sad that he doesn't feel the same way with sex.
mypinkrose mypinkrose
31-35, F
10 Responses Aug 15, 2014

My H hasn't wanted to kiss me in 20 yrs. No sex with him (or anyone just to clarify) in 11 yrs now. Married over 30.When my H and I got together and for the first year of our marriage we made love EVERY single day. Then it got less and less until it became -0- <br />
I tried wearing very erotic outfits, mood settings, I tried it all. He would look at me and say "sorry, I can't". Then he would fall asleep.<br />
If you're having this problem already trust me 'IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT'.<br />
I agree with "Bazzars" comment below 100% about the "BS". <br />
I moved out Monday, but the guilt is killing me still. My H is making me feel like I'm the BAD seed here. Too passionate, too demanding, after 11 yrs with no intimacy he said "All you think about is SEX" so I said EXACTLY. You tend to dream about what you want and NEVER get. He called me a sex maniac. I thought I'd die laughing if it wasn't so fkg sad.I thought things would change but they only got worse and yours will too if you don't watch out.If you want to be your own lover then hang in there. You will need a few vibrators etc. You can even name them. LOL, I'm trying to joke but it's not funny. It's horrible and lonely to feel bad about yourself much worse to feel like your committing a crime because you want to MAKE LOVE. Please think and don't make yourself a victim. Don't let anyone convince you that you don't deserve to have lovemaking when you need it. Yes, at times you can "service" yourself if your H is tired (that is only fair) but your vibrator shouldn't become your new lover.<br />
Good luck to you. My heart goes out to you. Don't be another statistic here. This is just an idiots opinion who waited WAY WAY WAY too long to wake up to reality. It's awesome that you're looking into it NOW.

Celibate for 11 years and you are a sex maniac?
Devout nuns, after openly, wilinglingly, knowingly pledging celibacy, have done worse than you.

Hard when your sex drives aren't in line. But every other day is a fair amount for a married couple. have you sat down and talked about it?

How often do you have sex during the average week?

As this thread develops, it becomes more and more evident that he is full of avoidant bullshit.
But more worrying is the fact that YOU are buying in to it. That's not good. Not good at all.
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This - "great person" as you describe him, trivialises and dismisses your legitimate concerns, and has now got you describing them in your own words as 'petty', sex being 'a stupid thing' etc etc etc.
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You are being dudded. Severely dudded.
Dysfunctional marriage ***** with your head, gets you thinking weird ****, gets you making uninformed choices that feed back into the loop.
And, once established, it is bloody difficult to break out of that distorted thinking.
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Cut to the chase. Is his behaviour a dealbreaker for you ?
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Tread your own path.

Ladies and gentlemen:

I give you, a Mountain out of a molehill.

It is fascinating how some people can be so shallow, rude and entitled. This post is so not about you. I know you were probably thinking that saying stuff like that would make your situation any better. lol! Goodluck with that though.

thanks @bazzar for putting this into perspective. I felt better after hearing that my concerns are somehow legitimate . A little part of me is saying that it is , however , yes, it messes up my mind hearing my husband say those words that led me to think this way. Thank you for shedding some light. :)

You have sex EVERY OTHER DAY?!?!? 😳 Ummm, and your beef is.....?

thank you this is really nice of you..

I'm just trying to put it in perspective. The last time I got a chance to make love with my partner was January 2013! And so I ask my question again, " And your beef is?" 😳

i appreciate you taking time to put this into perspective. Last time i checked though this isn't your post so it is obviously not about you. Also, everyone in the world knows your misery so attacking you with my post is fairly useless.

Pink, I apologize. I TRULY DO. It has never been my intent to make light of or "discount" anyone's situation. I read through some of the other posts and there is a LOT MORE backstory to this than you let on in your original post. Bazaar raised some good points. There were a multitude of observations that made sense to me, particularly the one about your H possibly being uncomfortable making love in his parents' home. As for the intimacy, I "thought" you were talking about; snuggling, kissing, holding hands, saying "I love you", hugs, a little pat on the bottom, but I "think" you might be talking about more passionate love making. Hard to tell because you did mention having sex, which is WAY DIFFERENT than making love, in my opinion. Either way, don't want to debate it with you, I just wanted to apologize, sincerely, for discounting your pain. Be well.

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sounds like you could use some professional help!

I'm not sure why you are depressed about your situation I would be very happy if I was having half as much sex as you are having. Try going months or years without sex and being reject and then you have a reason to be depressed.

i know there is much worse somewhere else. Just detecting the early signs leading to a sexless marriage

Good for you for being proactive.

First of all, I would kill to have it every other day. But, regardless, the fact that he is dismissive is a big problem. I wish I had realized that 15 years ago.

There is no reason to make someone you supposed love feel like dirt.

thank you. It is ironic how something this simple could be too much to ask for a wife..

This reads like when you can get him up to the line, there is rooting for a few days. The issue being that you can rarely get him up to the line. Rarely enough for this to be a big problem.
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Suggestion (although you have probably exhaustively done this already) -
- Scented Candles strategy. If your marriage is simply a bit jaded, the lingerie and all will do the job.
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But if the scented candles strategy does NOT do the job, then you need to consider the very high likelihood that your deal is in waaaay deeper **** than just being jaded. The absence of sexual expression is invariably a HUGE indicator of far deeper issues in the deal.
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A lot of reading in here would do you no harm, and might give you some insight into the hard road ahead of you.
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Tread your own path.

i know that there are deeper issues , i have been really drained physically and emotionally the entire time we've been married due to circumstances, things didn't go as planned ,living with my in laws to be specific. I have insomnia due to depression for years but it is better now. I know it was really hard for him to take all the negativity, same as it was really hard for me to adjust with my in laws and being away from home. I wish i could just stop being hurt and just respect his preference of not being too intimate in this relationship. How do i do that while keeping my sanity is the question.

Personal opinion. You won't be able to "just respect his preference of not being too intimate in this relationship and keep (your) sanity"
That's what you have already been trying to do and are finding it doesn't work.

Is it possible that he is uncomfortable having sex in his parents' house? He may not even realize that that is an issue, but I know it would be for me, a least a little....

It sounds like there is a lot going on here on both sides. First things first, you guys need to hit therapy. Secondly, start keeping a journal to obviate the inevitable he says she says crap. Also to figure out how often you two are having sex, because it sounds like you're a little fuzzy on that.

you have a very good point. I know this is a factor. I guess it is going to get better if things get okay financially and we are able to move out.

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Wow! Something must be wrong with him!

i guess it is just not really his priority. everytime i mention this too him, he is stunned by how i make a big deal out of it.

Man, that is crazy! I would be all over you if you even mentioned the words. Hope things get better!

"a great person", as you describe him, does NOT withhold sexual expression from his missus.
"a great person", does NOT react dismissively when his missus comes to him with a legitimate issue to resolve.
"a great person", does NOT reduce his missus to tears by his indifferent behaviour.

Methinks bazzar's wisdom prevails spectacularly here. Recommending the scented candle strategy is something I never expected to see offered here without irony... but it's inarguably the best answer!

thanks :)

Just added you. Please add me if you want. Would love to chat anytime!

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