Not Sure What to Do...

My story is a lot like many of the other ones on here.  28 years married, 20 year old daughter, 16 year old son.  The connection seems to have just gone away from our marriage.  I try daily to make things work.  I have never been demanding of sex in our marriage, but I am an affectionate person, and NEED that in my life. 

For some reason that I cannot quite put my finger on, my wife is on anti-depressants.  She has tried a couple of times to wean herself from them, but I truly fear for her wellbeing if she were to stop taking them.  She won't even talk about therapy.  Of course, the anti-depressants suppress what little sex drive she had (she was never that sexually driven), and there we are.

I have never cheated, and I would rather not do that.  When I look at my 16 year old son, I want to be able to answer that question honestly and be an example to him.  I really don't want to leave the marriage.  For many reasons, primarily the possible effect on the kids, and all of the other difficulties of starting over at 46 years old. 

My dream is that things somehow get better for us.  I had always envisioned us spending our years together after the kids were grown and enjoying the years of work we had put into building a life.  Now I wonder if that is the time for me to start over, either being alone, or looking for someone else with whom I can grow old.  Outside the areas of affection and sex, she is a wonderful person.  She is the homemaker, I am the breadwinner in our marriage.  She is a great mother.  I just wish I could get her back.

I don't know what I expect from this story.  Mostly, I just needed to write it down.  I have many friends, but this is a difficult subject to broach with anyone.  Most people would think that we have a wonderful marriage.  I guess I just needed to let some of the frustration out, and this was a good place to do that.

Thanks,

Pete

nameuhpete nameuhpete
46-50, M
4 Responses Feb 27, 2009

I, too, live in a marriage like this. The sex was awesome before marriage..ended up pregnant, and it was all downhill from there. As parents, I think your world revolves around your kids....they grow up and go away, and you are basically living with a stranger. For 18 or 19 years, you have have built your world around your kids. From experience, an affair is not the way to go. It has been 15 years now, and neither of us have forgotten. I too, suggest therapy. Yes, I miss the intimacy, but feel somehow, it is my "due" because I had an affair. Can a couple survive without intimacy? Yes, I am living proof. At 45, I feel that that part of my life is over. Do I miss it? Sure I do...but life goes on. Anti-depressants are a huge drain on the sex life...not to mention menopause. Good luck to you.

My favorite quote from John Lennon of the Beatles -- LIFE HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE BUSY MAKING OTHER PLANS.<br />
You don't think you are young, but you are at 46 .... I understand your situation with regard to your children and finances. These are real concerns for all of us. <br />
Without clarity of mind and spirit this will continue as it is now, going no-place, while every year you all will get older -- it happens so so fast.<br />
I always recommend therapy as a first step, if not together, go alone and get a fix on your emotional and mental health. Proceed from there with a sensitive, supporting professional. You will have to work hard on accepting what is, rather than what you would like things to be. That's the hard place ... THE REALITY OF YOUR MARRIAGE AND COMING TO TERMS WITH HOW YOU WILL PROCEED. <br />
Blessings being send that you may find your heart's desire and live more fully with love and hope

I 2 thought , at 61 years old and retired I would B living at my retirement home at the beach that I bought 5 years ago . This is were I am now : 35 year old son , moved out into his own home , 32 year old daughter , unmarried lives at home ( This 1 and my wife R like sisters , I do not think she will ever move out , 28 year old daughter moved out , got married got with child and moved back in my home with hubby . They said this is temporary 3 months still here . WTF Were did go wrong ????????????????

pete, yes, it is a very difficult subject to discuss with people in your life, and from the outside looking in, relationships can often appear fine to those that care about you -- they don't always know the daily ins and outs of the situation. have you gone to therapy? the lack of an emotional outlet can do some real damage to your mental well-being. this place is great, but a therapist might seriously help, if only to give you an unbiased ear to unload on.<br />
<br />
sorry that you are in this position, but there are good people here who understand your pain.