Young, In Love, and Sexless

I should probably start out by saying that I am the one causing the sexlessness in my marriage.  I am 23, and my husband of 2 months is 24.  We have been a couple for 2 years, 2 months and are very much in love.  I daresay that the only problem in our relationship is the lack of sex.  I am a sexually dysfunctional 23 year old.  It is humiliating to think or say that. 

I am convinced that innumerable causes have left me in this current state of permanent unarousal.  I suffer from clinical depression (a serious sex drive sapper), but am not on medication (which may cause further sexual side effects) anymore.  I am a deconverted Christian (perhaps some repressed tinges of guilt over sex?) but, in an existential and philsophical sense, have never been happier or more fulfilled than I am now that I have abandoned religion.  I have never particularly enjoyed sex with ANY of my partners (3) and have never had an ******.  Sex is physically painful for me, no matter how interested I am in having the sex at the time.  Let the record show that all gynacological exams conducted on me have turned up nothing unusual or remarkable, so there's that.

I know my husband needs that sexual connection in our marriage.  This problem started over a year ago, I guess.  We had been together for about a year and I was living at school while he still lived in our hometown.  I don't remember the first day I stopped wanting sex.  It probably got worse just before we moved in together last summer.  I find my husband very attractive, but still have no interest in sex.  I do not even fantasize about sex with anyone else.  I know he looks at pictures of naked women on the internet.  That bothered me tremendously at first.  I thought maybe I wasn't attractive enough for him.  (I am not his usual "type":  I am as tall as he is and very thin, and may very well have the flattest chest in the tri-county area.  He normally prefers women with a butt and some breasts who tend to be petite.)  I know that my husband turns to those pictures now because he is not getting sexual satisfaction from me, and the issue has stopped bothering me.  He does not cheat on me, nor does he threaten to leave me if I do not "shape up," so to speak.  He makes jokes about our situation, but I only find those jokes funny if I am the one making them.  He does not discuss this problem with anyone but me, and I asked that he continue to not mention it.  We have had sex twice since we got married--once on our wedding night (I promised him I would not deny him that, and I kept my word) and then again a few days later.  He is still waiting on his New Year's Eve sex.  Before the wedding day, we had not had sex in at least three or four months.  After moving in together, I reluctantly had sex with him once every several weeks.  After a little while, I could not even muster the apathy to do that anymore.

I am very lucky:  my husband has been very supportive of my problem so far.  I do fear that, if I cannot get this sexual dysfunction taken care of, I will irreparably damage my marriage.  The last thing I want is to drive my husband away and end up alone.  I feel like a failure as a wife.

molotov44883 molotov44883
22-25, F
11 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Just an idea: check out the "Love Dare"..via DVD "Fireproof"...it may just save your marriage...give it 40 days...best o' luck.

Hmm..I would tell you to go buy that "bullet" (************ device) that woman suggested earlier anyway---even if you "can't get arroused" -you just never know!<br />
It does sound too like you could use to enhance your appreciation of your body. Do you care what your hair/scent/clothing looks like for your husband? Any of those things would show that you do have it in you-it just needs perhaps therapy to work through the past or medical help with the pain issue.<br />
Just a few suggestions-good luck-we all deserve to have mind blowing sex!!

You ARE a failure as a wife. Sorry, but you said you feel that way.<br />
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You need to treat your depression. decreased sexual desire is s sign of depression. Not satisfying your husband is depressing you. Maybe if your depression is resolved your sexual desire will return,

Have you ever thought of helping him meet his sexual needs in other ways? ************ him or oral?

Thank you everyone, for your comments. I am pleasantly surprised at how good-natured (mostly) the response to this blurb has been. <br />
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To those who mentioned therapy: I have been to therapy for depression before, and it was a tremendous help. I would love to start up again for this problem, but my husband is not too keen on the idea of couple's therapy. We are able to have dialogues about this, and he is a very patient man in that regard. I am very willing to do therapy alone, though. However, I plan to seek medical intervention for my sexual dysfunction to see what my quick-fix options are. Once we are back on track intimately, I will pursue long-term solutions.<br />
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To the person who mentioned masturbatory aids: my problem is one of complete and total lack of sexual desire so, at this time, your suggestions will not help me. However, I would be very willing to look into that further once I sort out this arousal problem. So thank you for the great head-start! =)<br />
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To the person who asked if my husband knew our marriage would be (essentially) sexless: he is very aware that this problem is not just a pre-wedding phase. We had been living with this for many months before the wedding. Before our wedding day, we did discuss the sex issue a bit. It was then that I promised him sex on our wedding night. Frankly, I could not have lived with myself if I had denied him that. I would rather let my husband have sex with me and know it is difficult for me than make him go without on his own wedding night. So, to answer your question, yes: my husband knew that our marriage would be sexless at the outset. He has said to me that sex is not what is most important to him in our relationship and that he understands why I have trouble desiring it. I married a great man.<br />
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To the person who mentioned the effects of p0rnography on a marriage: I agree with you on that. He does not know that I know he looks at those images, and I don't see a need to broach the subject at this time. I do not really consider the material he views "p0rnography"--to me it is women posing naked. There is no sex or simulation in the photos, just nudity. He does not watch p0rn (he has said that he cannot take it seriously and ends up laughing at the contrived nature of the stuff). Thank you so much for your input. <br />
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I was very worried about how I would be perceived on this site, because I know that most of the members are the "victims" of people like myself. I am glad that, as one commenter mentioned, my eagerness and willingness to work this out came through in my post. I cannot imagine how some partners deny their spouse intimacy intentionally while feeling no guilt or responsibility, or even sympathy for their spouse. I am not one of those partners. <br />
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I came to this site because my situation is very isolating--I cannot talk to friends or family members about this, and, in a way, talking to only my husband about it is just as isolating. Thanks again for the encouraging words. If anyone has helpful advice, I am willing to listen!

If I were you I would seek some help..and fast....before you loose him. I am in the same situation of a sexless marriage( Married 30 Years) sexless for the past 4 years. I am seriously weighing my options to leave even though it would be financially disasterous for me. I would be much happier finding a woman still willing to be sexually active. If a woman walked up to me today and invited me into her bed....I would not evn have second thoughts as to what to do.

First, let me say thank you for coming on and telling your story. We often wonder what the "Other Side" looks look. I think there is some very good advice given here by all posters.<br />
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What hit me first about your story was pain. Okay you have pain. There is an "illness" if you will called Vulvodynia that affects woman's genitals. It can be somewhat painful to excrutiating. It's cause is unkown, but what happens is the nerve endings in that area fire, hence the pain. There is no visible sign of anything significant there and most doctors don't know about it.<br />
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If Vulvodynia has not been considered, I suggest gathering as much information as possible and bringing it to your GYN. <br />
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I also have to give you credit for being honest with him and for at least having a willingness to pursue a solution. Please don't stop communicating with him about how you feel. Don't stop giving him love, even though he may the affection to lead elsewhere. He needs love from you, not just the words, "I Love U".

Hey there. Your situation sounds challenging, and I definitely recommend seeking some professional assistance. I do not say that condescendingly, so please don't take it that way.<br />
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That being said, some folks on here may consider me crude for going in this direction, but your main conflict seems to stem from the lack of desire for sexual penetration with your husband due to the pain it causes you. That right there is an incredibly complex issue that will never be solved on this forum, hence my suggestion for professional assistance. <br />
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Assuming you are still physically attracted to your husband, you *may* be able to mitigate the damage, however. I suggest that you both explore other ways of gratifying each other physically, with an emphasis on you gratifying him. I am a married man, and I can tell you that in almost all cases, I am perfectly satisfied knowing that my wife wants and desires me, even if circumstances prevent the physical act from completing. Look into ways of sharing your body with him in a non-painful manner, even just laying together and touching each other's arms. Contrary to popular belief, men are not always driven solely by the need for ***********, (though we sure seem that way prior to our 30s) and you may be able to keep him supportive by trying your best to show him that you still want to accomplish this connection with him.<br />
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As for the *********** thing, this will really boil down to a trust issue between you and him. I personally believe that things like *********** are allowable, even if used for solo stimulation and ************. However, he needs to be completely honest with himself and you and ensure that he is not replacing his sexual past & present with you. The hardest thing about ***********, especially if it's used to ********** privately, is being completely honest about its role in your life. If he allows it to replace you and become his primary preference for seeking gratification, then other aspects of your relationship will suffer and it will be the fault of *both* of you. I suggest you talk openly with him about it. Ask him what he likes, what turns him on about it, and take as much of an interest in his interests as possible. If you keep his *********** from becoming a private "black box", then you can minimize damage to your marriage as a result of it. Also, what may be the hardest thing for you to overcome, you cannot allow yourself to be hurt when you find out that he likes certain types of women in his ***********, even if they are different from you. Men are attracted to thousands, hundreds of thousands of women. All of us are, including your husband. Let him enjoy seeing them, and remind him that your ability to allow this stems entirely from your trust in him and your desire to preserve the marriage over the long term.<br />
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All that said, both of you should investigate professional assistance for the emotional interference in your physical relationship. You must both figure out what is going on, and determine ASAP whether or not you can have a successful life-long marriage. All of us on the Internet cannot fix that for you, unfortunately. :(<br />
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Best Wishes.

I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say that your willingness, even eagerness, to work through this is 95% of the "battle." If I felt that my wife acknowledged that there is a problem and at least wanted to do something about it, it almost wouldn't matter if she didn't want intercourse. It's the demonstration of love and the desire for intimacy that's so demoralizing for many of us.<br />
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I'll let others give you more specific advice, but I would recommend counseling.<br />
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I wish you the best of luck and am certain that you will be able to get past this issue (recognizing that there IS an issue is huge and actually wanting to solve it puts you well on the way).

Welcome! After reading your story, the first thing that came into my mind is that you need to awaken your sexual kitten inside! Even though it is said that women achieve their sexual peak at age 35, that doesn't mean us younger gals can't enjoy some awesome sexual satisfaction. ;) <br />
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I would recommend you to go to the nearest adult store and buy yourself a "bullet" type vibrator. It's a very small vibrator used mostly for external stimulation (****, nipples, erogenous zones, etc). Next, browse for some sexy and steamy stories (or full-on **** if you prefer) in the internet to awaken your fantasies and use the "bullet"to explore yourself through ma$turbation.<br />
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I think the bullet would be a good starting toy for ya because of the discomfort you experience during penetration. This way you can achieve a clitoral ****** and find out what turns you on. <br />
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When you're with your sweetie, take turns on pleasuring each other through oral satisfaction and erotic massages and have him use his fingers first to help you expand your vaginal muscles and minimize your discomfort.<br />
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Also, make sure you always have lube available! It doesn't matter if you lubricate well, lube is a very important component to have. You can try with a light water-based lubricant.<br />
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And most important of all, make sure you both communicate your turn ons, turn offs, fantasies, what you like, don't like, how you like, etc!<br />
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Hope this helps and good luck!

are you going to therapy? not all anti-depressant medication has the effect of killing your sex drive. from what i understand, wellbutrin can have the exact opposite effect, and, of course, not being depressed can help with sex drive.<br />
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however, it sounds like your issues from sex stem in part from a past in the church, and, even if you are not aware consciously of how this is effecting you, it may be unconsciously there all the time -- the physical pain might be a manifestation of a psychological symptom.<br />
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therapy could help with this, and couples therapy might be a good idea as well. your husband could benefit tremendously from knowing what is causing your anxiety regarding sex -- i find it very interesting that his moving in virtually killed your sex drive, since anxiety is often caused by the seeming "over-presence" of the thing that is troubling you. for your happiness and your husband's, find a good therapist.