Considering outsourcing

I have been married seven years. My husband has become unreceptive to me physically. I have told him how I feel and have asked him to try. I have cooked him nice meals, dressed in nice clothes for him, given him massages. He says he is not interested in sex.

I am looking at thoughts. We tried counseling with little results. I suggested we look at an open marriage situation. He said because he was not interested in sex, why would he be interested in sex with others? It wasn't me per se, just the thought of sex wasn't appealing.

I told him he must have different desires. I mentioned I was going to outsource and I wanted him to know. He was welcome to join. He said that was not going to happen.

When questioning others who were very open minded, I met a man who was very active in a swingers community. I just wanted to wrap my head around the concept beforehand. I asked him how he liked the lifestyle. He said it suited him well. That he and his wife swapped partners for awhile. Then it no longer worked. He explained that he could get better partners when looking for women that were looking for affairs. He said the pretending to be in an affair himself provided an out for him when he was done. And that swinging resulted in, "taking one for the team." And that now he would only look for affairs without his wife's knowledge.

I asked how that was different than cheating. He said no matter how you slice it, cheating overtly or covertly, was cheating.

Apples and apples.

He recommended cheating over an open marriage because the bottom line result was the same.

Novemberrein Novemberrein
36-40, F
11 Responses Aug 16, 2014

I have such a hard time when a guy says they are not interested in sex. As for my wife, I think she is also leaving out the "with you". part when she said it.

I keep reading your post and just want to say that NO ONE can give that perfect advice because what works for US may or may NOT work for you....having said that, I will continue, lol

I can only say that my wife and I separated many times for different reasons, usually financial, but sometimes sexual...she has strong sexual desires and I knew that she was seeking "activities" and didn't want the guilt feelings to follow her....never divorced, but separated....

"Cheating" vs. "open marriage"????...

I think you should try outsourcing. I am in a long term relationship that is open for my gf. Because I am impotent, my gf has a friend that she sees who gives her what I cannot. This works for us because her friend is not a threat to our relationship.

That is very thoughtful and selfless of you to do this.

Thnks for your kind words. It was dificult for me at first but I adjusted. It was not fair to deprive her because of my condition.

The question I would ask is why did he marry you in the first place? Not interested in sex at all? There is something wrong with this picture. Does he look at p*rn at all? Might he be "in the closet"? There is something terribly wrong with being in a relationship with someone who very much likes and wants sex when you have no interest at all.

Yes, I wondered that as well. I haven't found any ****, or any sign he was homosexual.

When we first married, he was more interested in sex. Then he became disinterested in it all together.

I asked him why he wants to stay married if he doesn't want to share intimacy, and it was indicated it was for every other aspect, aside from intimacy. We do have a preschooler.

With very few exceptions, that I'm not interested in sex BS is the biggest, game-ending excuse in their arsenal. The missing words are "with you". If he professed otherwise, he is hiding something.

I have given him carte blanche to pursue an open marriage, which would include he seeking other partners. I would want it to be fair - mutual. He won't so far take me up on this. I can't persuade him into an open marriage.

I disagree about the "with you" ...some men have just lost their drive for sex and it has nothing to do with the willingness, sexiness or attractiveness of the wife.

Works for me. It's not an easy choice though. You need to have a clear objective and sets of boundaries.

Remember it's an affair and not a relationship.

Weigh up what you could lose (the risk) for what you will receive (the reward)

Thank you, it's a means of compensating for the issue instead of correcting it.

Indeed. An affair is never the correct answer. It's a coping strategy.

I really like this logic... Thanks!

Is your marriage so brilliant in all other respects that it makes it worth keeping for another 50 years with outsource option instead of finding different man for more fullfilling marriage?

Good question

Why not divorce so you can be available for a relationship with a man who really loves you!?

He loves me for reasons that don't have intimacy included.

I guess it's the knowledge that some women (in general) don't necessary marry " greatest sex". And at that point, I did. I found the other areas of my life fulfilling, (I make an okay income, have an independent mindset) and I thought having a great partner who enjoyed intimacy would contribute to a good marriage.
Then, his interest fell off a cliff.
I guess that's why my husband is opposed to outsourcing. He knows part of "why" I married him was for love and intimacy, and now he's not wanting that. He's a good friend, but not a partner as much.

But you want the kind of love that includes emotional and sexual intimacy. His love doesn't feel like love to you, but that is what your example is teaching your daughter what to expect when she marries.

Lots of different views on cheating.
The only one that matters in your circumstance Sister N, is *yours*.
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Personally, I'm anti cheating, not for any moral reason, but because it does nothing to address the underlying problem of being in a dysfunctional marriage. That problem, unaddressed, is always going to bite you on the arse further down the track.
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Tread your own path.

I kind of agree with Bazzar that if you are going to outsource you need to be clear why you aren't leaving.

Outsourcing isn't easy , it brings it's own set of challenges and you need to be sure your existing relationship could take it (I speak from a little experience).

Leaving is a far "cleaner" option if the relationship isn't salvageable - it depends in the downstream impact and if you are comfortable with that.

Thanks Flotsam, If my end result was leaving, I would prefer to leave "clean", I wanted to feel like I've tried everything that could be tried first. Leaving may be the final outcome, but I wanted to know I tried what ever could be tried beforehand.

I could just say I'm outsourcing and be completely open about it and have him just live with it. I don't know what's more difficult, knowing that your partner is out with other people or just not knowing. There would be disruption either way. Or if your outsourcing partner was better at bedroom things, and because you are so open, you mention that.

I talks to my H about outsourcing so that there was no deception.

He has chosen not to address the lack of sex despite me explaining that I bought it could end our marriage.

I am not ready to accept no intimacy (other than hugs and hand holding) for the rest of my life so it was this, give him an ultimatum or leave.

My AP is very different from my H sexually (far less passive for a start) but if focus of the relationship is physical then it can't be compared to sex in an 8 year old relationship.

Also, even if your partner knows there is still the risk of someone - who doesn't know about your SM - discovering your sexual partner.

Outsourcing is by no means simple, but it can help some people.

If you outsource, you also may end up outsourcing with a man who is emotionally intimate as well as sexually intimate, and that could lead to a messier divorce than if you divorce without outsourcing. Obviously, you lack emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage, so it's not likely that you'd be satisfied with a man who only offered sexual intimacy. It's also likely that if you get sexual intimacy, you'll develop and emotional bond with your lover.

Thank you Bazzar, good point, outsourcing would be to address the sexlessness, not the dysfunctional marriage.
I have been anti cheating for a long time. It's when my husband decided sex was less important I began considering other ways.

Thank you Homewaters, I wonder why I stay too. It's not financial, it's wanting to feel like I've tried everything, for the sake of my child. My child is young yet, and I want to provide a good childhood. I'm afraid, if I leave, worrying I'm disrupting that.

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So he's 'done' with sex, no longer interested. Did you ask him what he expects you to do? Are you to drop it too because he's done?

He would like me to drop it. I tried other things (to self-sustain). It's just not the same. I'm overweight the last two years, using food as a substitute for sex and now I'm trying to adjust that as well.

Mine gets on me about eating very late. I want to shout "I'm doing this because without I'm just starring at the ceiling in a quiet sleepless rage"

Mine does as well. My midnight trips for rocky road and butter pecan. I guess I'm craving something else.

You should tell her that. No reason to spare her feelings. She's certainly not sparing yours, Godfather.

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Huh? Interesting logic. Outsourcing? Never heard it put that way. Wish we were neighbors.