Recent Update

Here is an incredible update from yesterday after I submitted my story of me and my wife and our sexless marriage.  I finished writing my story and was about to go home for the night when a coworker of mine entered my office with some proposal's that is supposed to be submit for a cost cutting measure. She was about to leave as well when she saw that my office door was open. she grabbed the paperwork with her coat and met me at my office door. I thanked her for the work she gave me and began to put my coat on. She asked if there was something wrong. I didn't want her to know that I was thinking of what I just wrote so I said "I am fine".

Heather is a 40ish y/o woman that I thought was attractive. She has been divorced for at least 7 years and had broken a serious relationship in the past two years.  We are friends in the sense that we would quip with each other and joke. She is a well rounded and intelligent woman. She is attractive not only in her phyicial features, but also in her personality and sense of humor. To be brutally honest I have thought of making a move on her but didn't because of our work relationship and guilt. To make a long story short one thing led to another.. (what a cliche).. but the thing I want to convey is this... for the first time in a really long time I felt a woman want me. I felt her press her lips to mine with passion. I felt her grab me had pull herself against me with force that I thought I only imagined could happen. I felt her want.... for me, and it felt good.

There was no feelings or thoughts of rejection or frustration. There was only a feeling of being wanted. and I wanted her. I liken it to being thirsty in a desert and receiving a cool glass of water... It was good....

Now.... the guilt I am feeling... not only for being unfaithful, but also for pushing a friendly / working relationship. wondering what she might think. Was I as good for her as she was for me?  I don't love her, but I do and did like her... Wow what a can of worms I have opened..  Have you ever wished for something and it came true then struggled to deal with it? I live in a sexless marriage and often thought about an affair... Now I have one and I am in a quandary over it... Damn I feel like an idiot..  Please comment and be honest...


pilot612 pilot612
46-50, M
4 Responses Feb 27, 2009

OH Pilot! I hear you so loud and so clear! 28 years ago I was "Heather" and my current SO is you. I thought I was reading his journal from 1981.<br />
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From my position, the lover of a man in a sexless marriage, let me tell you from experience, the relationship with Heather may or may not continue, but it will not end well (ie both of you still employed and able to work together) unless you talk to her away from work, are completely honest (print out your story and let her read it) and tell her what your priorities are (keeping your jobs, staying friends). [why don't I say marriage is a priority? because you're in a sexless marriage and you'll stay there for aaaaaallllll the reasons you've read in other stories]. <br />
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I won't condem you for having an affair with Heather or anybody else. And unlike some of the other posters who feel you're giving your wife ammunition, let me ask you, if your wife knew you were having an affair, would she throw you out? Or does she know she's found the perfect life, security, companionship, helpmate, AND already trained not to ask for sex? My SO was walking out the door, convinced his wife would throw him out for his affair with me. OH NO! She's not giving him up without a fight; he may yet leave but it won't be for lack of her trying (except that sex thing...)<br />
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So if Heather is amenable, and understands the ground rules (It stays WAY OUT OF THE OFFICE) and that you're not going to leave your marriage (unless you think you want to), you have my blessing for an affair to ease your soul temporarily.<br />
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Now, about how you feel. Guilt? Why? Remember if your wife was not denying you, you'd never have cheated. If your wife would talk about her problem, or try to fix it both in single and couple's counseling, you wouldn't be fixating on Heather. <br />
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Don't feel like an idiot Pilot. You are entitled to happiness in your life, and that means having sexual intimacy with a woman you love. You may not love Heather. My SO wasn't "in love" with me 28 years ago. But after it was over, he realized that those 2 1/2 years were the happiest time of his life. The joy he felt in being wanted, not rejected, made the enormous guilt he felt worth it. He would tell you he knows exactly how you felt when she kissed you; when she grabbed you. Being wanted is an amazing feeling when you've been living with someone who keeps you close but doesn't want you physically.<br />
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It's what made this affair we're in now so easy to fall back into and fall in love so hard. He knows he wasted the 25 years in betwween by not insisting on counseling, or going himself, by having meaningless affairs and not being happy. He's so conditioned to not deserving happiness that he is stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I don't want to see you there.<br />
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Use this affair to decide NOW what you want for the rest of your life. Then work towards it. Guilt is overrated, but hope and happiness are not.

You said: "Have you ever wished for something and it came true then struggled to deal with it?"<br />
YES I HAVE<br />
I was devastated by the lack of intimacy in my 40 year marriage and had been hugging my Teddy Bear for comfort each night, crying into his stuffed body.<br />
It was last November, and I sent a special someone who was a former lover, a letter. He responded and we have been talking on the phone ever since. This after 35 years of not seeing or talking with each other... He remained single all these years. <br />
I look forward to our phone conversations and connect with him on many different levels, whereby my husband won't talk to me for hours ... because he doesn't want to.<br />
No sex, no talking, no hugging, a lot to do without at 60<br />
So I am in this phone relationship with someone I want to be with but he won't see me because I am a married woman.................although the phone connection we have isn't "right" in society's eyes, we continue to connect.<br />
Be careful what you wish for ...... <br />
None of us needs to complicate our matters even more than they are and it would give them ammunition to have this information on us .. an excuse for them to say ... "see, I'm the good guy" .... tread lightly where it comes to outside affairs of the heart and/or mind.<br />
Sending Blessings for Peace of Mind<br />
Hugs,<br />

Based on what you've written, you seem more worried about how she perceived your "skill" as a lover than you are with cheating on your wife. If you are happier getting it on with someone else, and you are content to see your wife vanish from your life, then the answer should be crystal clear. If you cannot bring yourself to divorce your wife for any reason, then stop screwing around. Today's physical gratification is tomorrow's problem. Not only that, but if your wife attracted you like this at some point, then it stands to reason that some new woman will cease to satisfy you and the cycle will repeat.<BR><BR>If you are married, though, don't go posting on the Internet about infidelity. If you are unhappy, your wife probably is as well. If she's scanning sites like this and can add two plus two, then you just signed yourself up for permanent alimony.

You truley are in a pickle. I can not advise you having never been in your shoes. However, while I was single, I had a "Fling" with an office hotty. Everyone in the office knew about it within a week and I was told in an appraisal that such things were not a good idea. <br />
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OK, so we all know that it is a bad idea to dip your pen in the company ink well, but the two of you are adults worthy of the respect you have shown each other.<br />
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I guess I would meet her some place neutral and speak to her. Share your thoughts honestly and get her thoughts. <br />
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You may find that she is going through a similar process about her night with you.