Hobbies

Well let's see, I am new here and am finding it comforting (i guess in a little bit of a sick way) that I am not alone. I have been married for 17 years now and am still madly in love with my wife. I have talked with her several times about the issue of us not having sex. She usually says she is sorry and says she will try. which then fades away. I have thought about cheating but have ruled that out cause I do not want to hurt her and I truely love her. I have found a way to help get my mind off of things is by taking on a hobby (or two). 

Although I have these hobbies, I still find it very difficult when I am in bed with her and she just rolls over or gives me the "I am too tired" or other excuse. I try to get things going earlier but then she has an excuse for that too. It is very frustrating. We have been through couples counseling and it helped alot in other areas but not in our sex lives....all she says is sorry but not right now.

So for now, I guess I will be messing with my hobbies!

rattyss rattyss
46-50, M
7 Responses Feb 27, 2009

I do not think it is because she does not like my looks or has grown apart but I think she is truely not interested in sex at all. <br />
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Sadly I think this is the case for many of us. It doesn't augur well for any kind of return to a normal sex life.<br />
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I guess it is a bit like me and brussel sprouts (do you call them that in the USA?). I hate them and would gladly never eat another one in my whole life! If cajoled, encouraged, begged etc. I expect I'd give in a few times a year just to stop the begging - but I wouldn't like to eat them any better!!<br />
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Silly comparison I guess, but it does show how we are wanting our partners to chanadopty doing something they just DON'T WANT!<br />
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Wish I could post a less gloomy reply - best of luck.

Great comments and thank you all for sharing. I/we have sat down and talked about the sex issues. I keep trying to talk to her about it in a non-finger pointing way. I use statements such as "I feel this way about...." so it is not seen as beating her up about this. I have at other times come straight out and say "look there is a problem here and we need to work on it together!" Fortunately it has not been a sexless marriage the whole 17 years but is has been so for the last 6 -7 years. We get together about 4 times a year. I keep letting her know that i am very interested in her by saying how good she looks, I try to keep the romance alive by giving her flowers or buying her a card just because....every once in awhile she will surprise me by saying she wants to be together. I do not think it is because she does not like my looks or has grown apart but I think she is truely not interested in sex at all. <br />
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Again, thanks for the comments and I will try to follow up on some of the ideas, again

Does your wife project sensuality when you are together?<br />
It's not easy to read somebody if they are closed in some areas of the marriage. It is natural to want to make body contact with the person you desire, even if you are just laying there breathing together and talking. Heaven on earth. <br />
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I have some unhappy memories of being pushed way far away after the sex was over. I'd be grateful for our connection, but sadden afterward by the complete disconnect. DH has emotions like hot and cold water; able to turn them on and off at will. He is a controlling personality. <br />
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Sometimes even the sweetest, gentlest of God's creatures are controlling in their own ways. Please don't be offended at my next comment: <br />
Your wife has good antenna and seems to know what to say, when she has to say it, in order to fend you off. <br />
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It takes two to play the same game<br />
Now that you have entered into EP hope you seriously<br />
consider finding what has gone wrong and what to do now that you know!<br />
Blessings and good wishes for a healthy marriage

I noticed that you were through couples counseling, but that it didn't touch your sex lives. I agree with psylence that you really need to concentrate on having conversations about the sexual end of things if you want to make any progress in that department. Have a psychologist or sex therapist help find the right questions to ask if you have trouble with it yourself.<br />
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People don't want to talk about sex. We get embarrassed, we get self conscious, some of us even feel like we're doing something horribly filthy to even discuss it, but if you don't talk about it then it will never improve.<br />
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Unfortunately, if you want this to change then you are going to have to put forth significant effort. She seems to have already let you know in no uncertain terms that having sex is completely unimportant to her, so you can't expect the effort to come from her direction.

My spouse has been "not interested" for 5 years. He is only interested in his work and reading (take note - reading is a solitary activity). I have my own hobbies which keep me sane and allow me to express my creative side. However it doesn't make up for the rejection of a sexless marriage. I can just tolerate our life together right now but I don't see how we can live together when we both retire. He works, reads & ignores me. We don't have a social life together. I have creative hobbies & my own social life outside of my work. When he reitres his life will be so empty without work.

It sounds like she is not comfortable doing this with you, to state the obvious. What kind of physical shape do you maintain? What about her? Do you both connect emotionally and discuss private thoughts with each other?<br />
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If your problem exists solely because you initiate sex and get denied, then it is on both of you to figure out why it is happening. Don't let it go with "I'm sorry". Sit her down over a nice dinner (in private.. not at a restaurant) and tell her how much she attracts you and how crazy you are for a chance to experience sex with her again. You want her, that much is obvious. Everyone gets headaches and everyone gets tired, but no headaches last for 17 years. :)<br />
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Make sure she knows that you want her and only her, and that your lust for her drives you wild. Help her understand that the happiest moment in your life is your ability to be with her sexually. Also, show her your willingness to embrace her views of sex. It may not be that important to her at all! Some people like myself, a 30-year-old married man, are content to watch a nice looking girl walk by, imagine the sex, and then forget that I ever saw them. I love my wife, and I enjoy the occasional sex with my wife, but it does not drive my self-esteem. <br />
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Perhaps your wife is the same as I am, or perhaps there is something else she's not willing to tell you. Maybe she doesn't like your gut.. maybe she's terrified of getting pregnant. Maybe she has never come to terms with the fact that humans are attracted to thousands of different people, and maybe els guilty for getting turned on by some hot little Hollywood actor. Point being, you'll never know unless she tells you. It may take a few weeks or months to get her to open up, but I promise you that she has a reason somewhere in her mind for turning down sex regularly. <br />
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Once you finally get her to open up, be prepared for honesty. If she tells you that you are too fat, accept it. Maybe she is, too, but that's not the time to tell her that she's fat. You just told her that you lust after her.. don't ruin it with a snappy comeback. If you go to the effort of getting her to open up to you, you can kiss that trust goodbye if you don't take it graciously. <br />
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You may also discover, in time, that she is no longer physically interested in you. This happens, and if you both determine that she cannot again become interested in you, then you could talk about an amicable split. Don't even *think* of mentioning this until you both determine that sex is impossible, though.<br />
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Seriously, just tell her in private how much you want her and how important it is to you. Don't let it go with "I'm sorry", gently prod and see if you can get her to tell you what's up. 17 years is a long time. The next 17 will be even longer if one of you is concealing problems from the other.

The curious may view pictures of my hobby activities in the album 'Painting' on my profile page. So, I know the value of a good hobby in keeping yourself occupied. Unfortunately in my case it was a double-edged sword. My wife had no interest in any of my hobbies, so, while they were keeping me sane (well, relatively), they were just one more thing to take me out of the house and for us not to talk about. (Of course, on the other hand, not doing hobby stuff just meant not doing anything, since we had grown apart to the point where we had no activities in common nor could I find a new one that we could do together. I say "I" since she could never come up with any suggestions...)