Unhappily Married

I am unhappily married. Why? Because one night...4 years ago my wife of 30 years decided that sex was no longer going to be a part of our relationship. I have spoken with others in this situation too. I still don't understand it and she doesn't want to discuss it. As a matter of fact she tells me she wants us to sleep in separate beds. So far that hasn't happened...mainly because I am out of town most of the time working anyways.

I feel that I am too old to go and start over and she has broken my heart. Also if I left,  I would end up paying the price. So far I haven't gone out and cheated on her...But would it be cheating if we are no longer having a sexual relationship anyways? Maybe those websites like ashleymadison.com make sense after all. Their seems to be a lot of us in the same boat. 

baker998 baker998
56-60, M
15 Responses Feb 27, 2009

I have been in this situation for many years and it was caused by her illness. It was a unilateral decision on her part, no discussions, no reason given other than she was ill. During that time I did find a few friends who gave me the sexual and emotional needs I had. Did I consider it cheating, no. Was I happy about doing it, no. If my wife was not sick and we were again meeting each others needs, would I have done this, No. Do I advocate cheating, no, but I understand there are circumstances that arise that make it the only option short of divorce. The call is yours.

Well, I guess i would reply by saying, HOW do you get sex? I could ask you if you put on something sexy and took her hand and told her what to do? Diet, and change up your routine a little so she begins to notice but don't try to be obvious or make her mad. I found that MOST of us ladies WANT TO BE WANTED!! I mean, not for JUST SEX, but because we think you find us wildly attractive. THAT GIVES US THE IMPRESSION we are doing something right. If i hear you praising me all the time for how good that toasted bread is and how cute i am for always having toothpaste dripping down my chin I have hope. We compete against millions of wemon willing to show you anything you want to see for free, but you need to make us feel like we have something special and hot to offer and it drives you wild about us. That usually gets my fire burning, but then when you show me your burning desire for me, or find out something I have been really wanting and surprise me with it wow! text messaging in the morning usually sets me right up and by the time i get home i am looking forward to whatever it was. I find though the longer i go without, the more I don't desire sex, and the longer it takes me to reach my big" o". that is frusterating.

now that i have two children i completely understand when my best friends tell me that they don't even want to be touched by their mates because he is so absent from their needs and day to day trials that they have become resentful.<br />
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perhaps that is what your wife is feeling? do you have children, pets, daily household things that take their toll on her that you could try to understand and take on to share the responsibility? perhaps she is literally exhausted at night and the thought of having to cater to your needs when her own have gone unanswered and unmet and unconsidered for so long that it makes her sick to her stomach or angry enough to want to bite you if you even dared to stick your parts near her face?

There are physical things that happen to females when we go thru "the change". Some women are able to continute on always, and others are hormonally bankrupt....and with the possibility of other medical issues floating about, that could kill it, indeed. <br />
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Having said that, there seem to be lots and lots of both genders in the same boat. Lonely and rejected within a marriage. My ex dumped me and moved on because of it. Can I blame him? No. We are friendly because I am sympathetic. But your choices are few: 1) Accept no-sex and stay. 2) Stay, but get sex elsewhere. 3) Go. <br />
I suppose one tries each of those, in that order.<br />
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The frustration is, that we wish our relationships were a certain way, but the other party just will not behave the way we want them to. Now what?

I am a 40+ woman and would LOVE to have sex if my partner agreed to it. And I like the interpretation of one of the fellow bloggers who stated that the implied sexual contract was broken. Personally I didn't enter into my relationship so that I could be frustrated sexually. I've talked to him about it. We've attended therapy together. He's gone to the doctor about it. I think he feels he's fulfilled his obligation by making those attempts to find help. The only help he now finds is on the *********** websites. And if the websites happen to have young teens providing oral gratification to men, then all the better (tongue-in-cheek).

justhere4u.. thanks I had to laugh at the senile comment... it conjures up strand images... (hey honey we're we doing something??) <br />
Touchmenot - if it were as simple as getting a grip and getting over it that would be fine - but it is not so. Sex is one of the main 'connectors' between two people. It should not be 'messy' (I am sorry your experiences have led you to that conclusion)

i agree to most comments, would just react to mungo44, the case of women above 40, i think it's a matter of individual differences as well, i'm above 40 and i still find this thing necessary in a marriage, and i wouldnt stop having sex til we're both senile to remember what it is...lol....

first I am pleased to see I am not the only one in this situation. Pleased maybe the wrong word but you know what I mean I hope.<br />
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I never thought of it as a broken contract when she decided to up and quit having sex. Interesting interpretation. <br />
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BTW - in my case 40 yrs and she quit 13 yrs ago. I assumed at the time that it was a biological thing with ALL women - reached the end of child bearing years - so quit. But gathering my the women here I guess that is not true. But I do understand now where the 40-something wife comes into the picture.. she fills in where wife #1 has quit... ok I babble... sorry

I don't see what the big deal is. You had sex, you remember it and that's that. It's not the end all be all. Get a grip and get over it. Sex is a dirty messy waste of time. Try painting, yard work, or golf.

I agree with kungfuchick - no one can tell you what your conscience must decide. My situation was different, but I left. If I could have changed him - yeah, I would have stayed, but the man I left was NOT the same man I married - AT ALL.

Hi, Baker. My stand on this is fairly simple. She decided to unilaterally renegotiate your marital contract. This was completely unfair to you as you have been given the options of taking it or leaving it. There is an alternate response, though. Since she opened the door to renegotiation, you would be completely within your rights to insist that if she isn't going to provide for your needs, you should be allowed to do so on your own.<br />
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How it works out is this. If you don't tell her what's going on, then it's cheating. If you do tell her, then it's not cheating. It really doesn't matter whether or not she agrees to it. I don't think you agreed to the part where she decided to not have sex ever again, but that's still where you are now. Like you, she's given the options of taking it or leaving it.<br />
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Your primary issue is that you entered into a sexually exclusive relationship on the premise that your wife would provide for your sexual needs. She's broken her end of the bargain. She is currently cheating (just not with someone else). That pretty much frees you up from your end of it. Life is complex, though, and you probably have to consider the financial end of things, so where you go from there is going to be very situationally dependent. I hope that this group can provide the answers you need.

My spouse also decided (without discussion) that sex between us was over. Separate beds and/or bedrooms were suggested but I stayed put in the marital bed. Not that it has changed anything! I have thought of an affair, not sure if it is cheating or not but would not feel any guilt over it. At least I think I won't. However I haven't met anyone to have an affair with. I fear meeting someone I would care about as well as want to have an affair with i.e. emotional and physical attraction. Then I would probably REALLY want out of the marriage. Our 2 grown kids would probably think the marriage breakdown in those circumstances was my fault!

Wow, she just up and decided that sex was no longer necessary? In my opinion, that is a decision which requires input from both participants in a marriage. If she made that decision on her own, then she is being selfish. If she has a good reason or any reason at all, you deserve to know that reason. You are legally bound to have only her as a partner, so her decision penalizes you. <br />
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Out of curiosity, does this reflect in the way her parents behaved towards each other during her younger years?<br />
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If she refuses to tell you and you cannot be happy with her any longer, then I believe it's time to get your affairs in order and get the divorce underway. Sell the house and anything else she could win in the settlement, stow away as much money as you can under the radar, and retain a lawyer. While I would encourage everyone to try and talk things through, this sounds like an incredibly one-sided problem if she refuses even to tell you why she no longer wants sex. People who make that decision by themselves will rarely listen to those impacted by the decision.

I am definitely one of those who believe it is nt cheating. Sure, it is not ideal - but neither are our marriages.<br />
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I didn't get married to have a life time of sexlessness - but that is what I've had - no sex AT ALL for nearly 13 years.<br />
Being a slow learner (lol!) I'm only now doing something about it!!<br />
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Good luck with whatever you decide.

Not sure how to answer that question. Some would say, yes, it's cheating and others would say No. You hold the cards on that one.<br />
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Have you said it to her? Ask her if you took your sexual needs outside of the marriage would she be upset.<br />
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Sorry you are here. Keep coming back.