30yo Man, Content In Marriage (18+ Please.)

I am 30 years old. I've been married for 3 years and with my wife for a total of 10 years, give or take. Niether of us defines our marriage as a sexless marriage, though by society's perception it probably is. My base requirement comes down to once or twice a month. That's fine with me. I can't remember the last time she told me she had a headache. :)

We are completely open with each other about our desires, we comment on other attractive people we see, and heck, she'll even leave the room if I feel like gratifying myself in private. I do the same for her. Sometimes I'll even carry on my role in sex just to get her an O or two and then I'm done. Her needs are met most of the time, and mine are met most of the time. Win-win.

We haven't always been this content. Shortly after we got together, we both gained a tremendous amount of weight. I was tipping the scales at "ERROR", and was seeing "ERROR" on scales which go as high as 350 lbs. Scary, huh? She didn't get that big, but taking into account the physical differences between men and women, she was probably just as overweight as I was. That created some huge attraction issues, and the other problems which created the weight gain fueled continuous marital conflict. Sometimes I wanted to leave (and I'm sure she did, too) to go find a woman who attracted me more powerfully, but I couldn't bring myself to call this off. To this day, I still don't know why I didn't leave, though the closest I have to a reason is my inability to imagine life without her. Good thing I listened to that, I've lost 100 lbs. or so in the last 1.5 years (No surgery.. that's for the weak) and she's lost almost 40 lbs. We're continuing to drop the weight, and every sexual issue has been brought up and discussed to full understanding. Point being, we're much happier now than we ever were.

At the beginning of the challenging marital times, I thought that lack of sex was the problem in the marriage. Obviously, it was only a symptom of a symptom of a symptom. It took years of discussion, honesty, and effort to sort this out between us and now we are much better people because of it. My situation is unique, as are the lives of each of you, but I cannot recommend enough that you always talk to your partners. Understand what motivates them and what motivates you. Define your criteria for happiness in a marriage or a relationship and check it daily to see if anything is happening which causes you unhappiness. Talk about it immediately, honestly, and remember every time that you love and desire your spouse above all others. Make sure they know this. It nevers gets old to hear it. 

It took me awhile to figure out what people mean when they say that a good marriage takes work. That "work", so to speak, begins when you first perceive a long-term threat to your relationship. It includes all of the discussions, debates, and resolutions which preserve that long-term relationship.

I am not concerned about comments here, though I welcome discussion. I am posting this here to show that it is possible for sex-starvation to lead to a positive outcome.

P.S. For God's sake, don't cheat on your spouse. Use your hands or some toys until you both figure out if the marriage has to end.

psylence psylence
26-30
8 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Some of you seem able to appreciate what I've shared, and some of you do not. I accept that; it's pretty standard for everyone (especially in the anonymous public) to believe that they know best. I most certainly do not know best for all of you, but I feel that I can contribute value to some situations with my perspective.<br />
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I placed my post here because my relationship was sexless (my choice) as was the beginning of my marriage (also my choice). We overcame it by identifying every possible reason for my choice and working together to resolve each resolvable issue. My goal was to demonstrate that good possibilities can arise from very bad situations, in this case my discussing my reasons for denying sex (and all forms of touch contact) to my wife, only to figure out with her how to allow it again after a few years. Perhaps I wasn't descriptive enough for some of your tastes; that is fine. I feel I have described enough so the point(s) should be crystal clear.

Your statement:<br />
"I am not concerned about comments here, though I welcome discussion. I am posting this here to show that it is possible for sex-starvation to lead to a positive outcome."<br />
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Your statement:<br />
"(No surgery.. that's for the weak)"<br />
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I also don't know why you felt it necessary to write a story for the "Sexless Marriage" topic ... obviously you are a very young, inexperienced man, with grandiose ideas on how to cure a sexless marriage.<br />
Your ostentatiously formed responses to comments that you are not concerned about, surely defeats your supposed goal to be helpful to others.<br />
And members of this group do not welcome the comment that we are "SEX-STARVED" -- we are not nymphs .. we are husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, daughters and sons, sisters and brothers ... wanting the human touch of intimacy which leads to the most fulfilling sex. <br />
You have a lot to learn my friend.<br />
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I also appreciate a message of hope. The other day I wrote a note asking for success stories; this sounds like one of them. I also agree, however, that it took the determination of both parties to achieve this success, and for most of us, it's a unilateral situation, and that's precisely the problem.

You said it yourself - a joint decision to fix things. You need to recognise that the people onthis forum are here for hat reason - their partners have NO desire to fix things. <br />
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If someone wants to live iin a sexless marriage, as our partners do, why would they want to fix things? They already have what they want.<br />
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I have to agree with Michelle - I'm sure you mean well, but your postings are not really helpful because you are not coming from the same place as most of us.

Michellemorris,<br />
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Suit yourself if you want to believe that problems have no solutions. You have only yourself to blame if you are unhappy with your life. My hope was to demonstrate to somebody that it is possible to reverse a situation in a relationship which was sexless for 2 years, progressed into a sexless marriage, and was barely rescued by a joint decision to fix it.<br />
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You have no business telling me where I do and do not fit; do not presume otherwise.

I agree that I am judgmental about some things. I wrestled with weight-related depression for most of my life, and I developed such a strong loathing for it that I truly believe the only solution is to exercise it off, which I have done. I believe that voluntary self-mutilation to solve behavioral problems is unacceptable and truly represents weakness. As you said, we are each individuals. I will not attack others for their own decisions, but I will state my opinions when I feel strongly enough about them to do so. Since I posted about my own experience here, I felt it appropriate to demonstrate my opinion. You'll never see me go after individuals here if they discuss weight-loss surgery, unless they are specifically asking for opinions. I promise you that. :)<br />
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As for the opinion on cheating; you are right in that we all make our own choices. Cheating in a legally recognized marriage, however, can create endless emotional and financial agony for those who are already unhappy. I truly feel that advising others against cheating is in everyone's best interests. That is not an attempt to condemn anyone's decision, merely a representation of what I consider fact.<br />
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You asked if my wife is equally happy. I believe she is, and she tells me so quite regularly. At least a few times a week, if she's getting upset or moody about something (or if I am!) we'll work hard to talk about it openly. Sometimes we still get into a pickle with each other (one of us didn't do a chore, one of us didn't work out yesterday, etc.) and that always requires attention and resolution. I believe she's being honest when she tells me that she is happy over all, and we both seem to embrace the new direction we've taken in controlling our physical shape.

I am pleased for you that your situation is now working well for you. Is your wife equally happy?<br />
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You obviously have great determinatioin and ability to achieve your goals, so "well done".<br />
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But you are quite judgemental in your approach which is less attractive. To make statements like surgery for weight loss is "only for the weak" and to say "For God's sake don't cheat" - these suggest to me that you think others should do as you have done.<br />
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Please remember that each of us is an individual, and what suits one person does not necessarily suit another. You have lived your life by your tenets and have succeeded - that is great! Just don't expect others to also live their lives by your tenets - that is being judgemental.<br />
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I mean no disrespect here - I'm just asking you to be open minded and not criticise choices others make.<br />
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Best of luck for a happy future.

I am pleased for you that your situation is now working well for you. Is your wife equally happy?<br />
<br />
You obviously have great determinatioin and ability to achieve your goals, so "well done".<br />
<br />
But you are quite judgemental in your approach which is less attractive. To make statements like surgery for weight loss is "only for the weak" and to say "For God's sake don't cheat" - these suggest to me that you think others should do as you have done.<br />
<br />
Please remember that each of us is an individual, and what suits one person does not necessarily suit another. You have lived your life by your tenets and have succeeded - that is great! Just don't expect others to also live their lives by your tenets - that is being judgemental.<br />
<br />
I mean no disrespect here - I'm just asking you to be open minded and not criticise choices others make.<br />
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Best of luck for a happy future.