So last night my sister and her beau were here spending the night from out of town (had a funeral to go to.) We were chatting, and H says he "uglified" himself to try to get rid of me and I wouldn't go! He's gained 30 pounds, grown a beard, which is grey, and has grown his hair to his shoulders.
Wow! What a statement. You know, he did repeatedly demand a divorce during the first ten years of marriage. Every time he was angry at me for something he'd pull that stick out to beat me with. He was very successful with it. I would back down most every time b/c I didn't want a divorce.
It was only after I got tired of hearing it, and he went off to sew his wild oats at Sturgis without me (I had fallen and broken my shoulder so he left me home alone). That was at the ten year mark. I finally got brave enough, and tired enough of his ****, that I demanded a divorce myself. Boy, did he change his tune, and fast then.
He sent my daughter-in-law in to ask me what it would take to get a divorce. I told her, half, not a penny less. I've raised his kids and took care of his dying mother and put up with a sexless marriage while he did whatever he wanted.
Guess what? Here we are still married. He wasn't willing to pay the price. And now he's seriously ill, expecting me to take care of him. You know, I will, b/c that's who I am.
Harley53 Harley53
61-65, F
7 Responses Aug 16, 2014

Kudos to you. Do not under any circumstance curse yourself for what you are doing. I hope he knows how much you are worth and if he thinks anything less than priceless then he deserves nothing. Stay strong sexy. Xxx

Wow I can totally relate. I swear my h has been doing the same for the past 6 years. I don't know why we stay, I really don't! I know its unhealthy and I know that we would be happier alone than with someone who is going out if their way to get rid of us. But now its just sheer stubborness that keeps me here. He has manipulated, lied, undermined and used me. Why should he get off scott free?

lijenkins: Why are you punishing yourself by insisting on staying with someone who neither loves nor respects you? You deserve better.

I agree but I'm in a state with no family and very little support which is scary. I know I'd be ok eventually but it's coming to terms with all the people who would be disappointed. My family never supported me moving away from home to be with this man.

You are choosing to live in misery so as not to disappoint other people? You are a grown woman, and it's time for you to live your life for yourself, not for your family. Also, it sounds like your family was right, and the marriage was a mistake for you. What's the point of hanging onto a mistake? The only life you're wrecking is your own.

Do you have any friends where you live? If you don't, that would be a mistake even if your marriage was filled with happiness. It's a bad idea to have one's spouse be one's only close friend. No person -- no matter how wonderful -- can satisfy all of your social needs. And even if you don't divorce, it's likely that your husband will die before you do, which is the case with most marriages. You certainly will need other friends then.

Getting involved in things like Meetups, (see, or groups related to your volunteer, athletic, religious or other interests could help you make new friends.

Do you want to unload this bloke or not ?
If you do, go see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and get an exit strategy into do-able shape within the framework of that information.
Then enact it.
If you don't want to unload the bloke, see a lawyer anyway, for the purpose of being prepared should this bloke of yours decide he's had enough.
Be prepared.
Tread your own path.

He doesn't have to like 50% - you deserve it, go for it. Change the words a bit - but for the most part, here's your script:

Not sure he deserves an angle like you. Sometimes we need to take care of those note serving. You will be rewarded !

It seems like both of you are unhappy. Can't you leave him and tell him to hire a nurse if he wants sick-care?

Due to my own experience (and I am better off than you, and a lot of other people with sick refusers) I'm beginning to wonder if some people get married or move in with someone just to get free nursing when they're sick. That ****** me off to no end.

That might be true.
I'm angry that he could have changed his behavior & taken care of his health, but refused to do so for the most part. He brought a lot of this on himself.
As to him hiring a nurse, I don't see that happening. He's so tight it hurts. He hates even giving money or bday gifts to his own kids. There's no financial reason for withholding from them -- or me.

Be angry at yourself, Harley, for ruining your own life by staying with a man who neither cares for himself nor for you.

Well - too bad for him. Now I have even less empathy for him. He didn't take reasonable care of his health. And he has money, but he won't spend it on getting help he needs because of his health problems - no, he'll just manipulate you and get you to do it for free, and ruin the rest of *your* life.

Don't get me started.....

You are wasting your life. I don't think it's a virtue to stay with someone who treats you with contempt.

Wow. I've been following you for a while, Mettamomma. I've always respected what you have to say, you seem so grounded and intelligent. This response hits me pretty hard. Thank you.

You are worthy of your own love and respect which will let you let go of a toxic situation. Talking to a lawyer would let you know your rights and obligations in a divorce.

What you are choosing to do now could kill you or leave you in a physical condition that would never allow you to live a full life. I saw my mother do that-- spend 5 years taking care of a husband who had treated her badly and whom she no longer loved. He had strokes, was partially paralyzed, mute and incontinent.

By the time he died, she was so tired and bitter she told my kids and me that every night, she prayed to die in her sleep.

That is the kind of life you are on track for. There are no awards, only pain, for choosing such a life.

Taking deep breaths as I take in what you wrote.
This may be me justifying, but he was there for me when my 15 year old was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that required his colon be removed -- he was at 100% risk of having colon cancer. By the time surgery was scheduled he did indeed have cancer.
There are times when H strokes my arm & tells me he loves me (albeit, the timing of this recent behavior seems to coincide with his diagnosis.)
He has made me feel during our marriage that I wasn't good enough. I'm complicit in allowing him to make me feel that way. I never had a problem with self esteem before our marriage, & definitely felt sexy as hell. Not any more.
I allowed him to define me. I'm taking that power back from him now. I will choose how I'm defined. I know I'm a good person, a strong, loving & generous person, with a healthy sex drive. There's nothing wrong with that.
The dynamics of the relationship are changing. That doesn't mean I foolishly think he will suddenly find me appealing & want to ravish my body again. I know that ship has sailed.

Do you have to pay for his kindness over your son's problems with your own self-esteem, and by spending the rest of your life as a slave to his health problems?

I just can't come up with any empathy for your refuser. If that makes me a mean *****, so be it.

I don't think you're a mean *****, SmartKat. You and Mettamomma are holding up a mirror for me, one that shows me a different perspective. Thank you.

Keep in mind, I have my own reasons for taking a jaundiced view of sick people.

Some people on here talk like self esteem and sx is everything.
Rather than pursuing self worth through sx, You are knowing your doing good and storing up treasures in heaven!

God Bless you.

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