So I was quite active in this group about a year ago. We started seeing a therapist, working on marriage. Quit EP, committed to change. Everything was different for quite a while. Legitimately thought we had turned a corner. Lately, been feeling same patterns creeping back in. Reset sex, only on her terms, constant rejection when I initiate etc. Familiar to all. Just looking for that shared experience commiseration that I found when I was here before as "CraveIntimacy". I still crave it. Even though the frequency increased, the depth of the intimacy still is elusive. And really, isn't that all we really are looking for? If its just about the 'release' I'm sure we're all pretty good at taking care of that on our own by now. There really is no substitute for feeling wanted, desired and having someone act on it. Hope all my old EP acquaintances are doing well. See you around!
Crave15 Crave15
46-50, M
7 Responses Aug 16, 2014

Crave,
may I ask if you get the flirty smile from her during your intimate moments?

Definitely not. I would love to know what that feels like.

hm...
have you smiled?
have you shown excitement in your eyes?

Yes. I try so hard to make that connection every time. Often I get the deep breath, the closed eyes and the 'lets get this thing going'....obviously not exactly the height of passion...
:)

lol

sorry... not laughing at you. Just comparing with my experience.

Crave, coming back to my previous conversation with you, I will say... at least your getting something lol
closed eyes or not ~

Yes, well, I got something the other night...:) It was better than the last few times, but still distant.

3 More Responses

It seems she did whatever was necessary to keep her cosy little world from collapsing.

Perhaps now she feels the danger to her little world of comforts she shares with you has passed.

At some point brother crave you have to hold her accountable.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Wait... She initiates sex? Wow! I wonder what that's like!

"Everything was different for quite a while" Brother Crave.
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That's good. All any solution we trial is judged by is whether it works or not, and obviously your strategy - whatever it was - worked for a while.
That's a success.
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Thing is, solutions have a shelf life, they only work for a finite period. When they fail, you need another different solution to trial.
And at some point, you run out of solutions, and need to move on to resolvement rather than band-aiding.
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Happy (in one way) to see you back Brother Crave (but sad to see you back in another way)
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Tread your own path.

"Constant rejection, reset sex, only on her terms".

A few questions in response. Does your W go to monthly counseling with you, or is it only you? Do you talk about this in your counseling? Does your counselor validate your desires / needs in front of your W? Is your counselor M or F? Just curious. I'd expect your counselor to back you up on these desires / needs and help the two of you resolve these issues you mention.

Also, when you turned a corner and things were going well, how often were you having sex and how long did the good times last on that rebound? Just trying to compare your story to mine. See my other comment / reply below to Celtusa.

TL2

We go together and we talked more about it at the outset. It was a primary focus, since we increased our output, if you will, the subject is usually something other than sex at our sessions now. The next session will definitely feature the topic. Counselor is a 'sex therapist' so she is very good about not dismissing my concerns while at the same time not outright judging her. She is a woman too, so that helps.
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After we turned the corner, we were having sex once a week. Not only that, but it was good. She was 'there'. Dare I say "into it". Howevere, we've probably had it 3 times in the last 5 weeks, so the frequency has definitely slowed and the 'energy/enthusiasm' has been noticeably lacking even in comparison to the previous 6 months. She's never going to be one to swing from a chandelier but a little excitement goes a long way.

I might suggest that she is dealing with chronic problems, meaning the lack of intimacy isn't strictly about you personally but about deeper psychological barriers inside her own psyche. As such, it's predictable that old patterns would try to sneak back in. Since counseling initially did you both some good, I suggest "upkeep" sessions...see if she's willing to attend occasionally, like once a month or so, in order to help maintain improvements. If she still cares about the marriage, she should be willing to do at least this much.

Yes. We are going about once a month now. Its still valuable, but what you describe is quite accurate I think.

I know all too well what you wrote about. It makes me sad.

Commiseration. Sending out virtual hugs to all that can relate. Just that physical touch alone can be enough sometimes, if what's behind it is genuine.