If I veer an inch from the way my H is used to me acting or being or if I speak my mind without tailoring so as not to get him anxious, he acts like I'm irrational-he totally freaks. He wants things done a certain way. No surprises. I asked him to pause the remote when I went to make him a BLT because he basically stops eating meals if I don't cook) and didn't want to fix it himself and he freaked saying the remote was 'too far'. It was on the chair close to him.

I still love him but I gotta get out. I'm going to see my family soon and will tell them. I'll make very little money as a caregiver but my therapist said I won't be penniless b/c he'll have to give me something obviously and that am lucky because the state I'm in is pretty fair. I want to live simply and have just what I need.

I told him he'd be better off without me so he could save his energy and not feel guilty about not being there for me physically, sexually, romantically, etc. and he got mad and said he didn't want a divorce.

I'm still scared even though I know it's good for me and I'm hurting him by staying.
He must face his own demons and w me in picture he's just got a caregiver and we're too enmeshed and entrenched in our old messed up dysfunction to hope for any real and sustained change.

I may move to a place where the cost of living is lower and I don't want the house.

I see a long rocky horrible road and then just a road and then maybe some good things.

I've learned so much on here. I've read your stories and they've all inspired me to stand up for what's right.

One cannot change a love avoidant. It's impossible. He could but it would take years and years of CBT and I want to be happy again sooner. I'll be 50 in June. I already put 13 years and 4 marital counselors on the job with no real luck or lasting change. I'm so sad and can't stop crying.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results."
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5 Responses Aug 17, 2014

I"m sorry you're sad. It sounds like you must do if you want your spirit to survive. He might try to get you to maintain the status quo so unless you have a very strong conviction, you will find you will let things stay the same.

You will see from my history that I am a "stayer", but the main difference is my husband is incredibly devoted and takes care of me in every area but sexually. If I leave I lose a lot.

Please pay attention to the financial advice you are being offered here. I can't tell you how many female friends I've had who have divorced and in their pain have said "I don't want anything". Find a lawyer or at least attend a talk on finances and divorce. There is free assistance, you have to look for it.

At 50, do not put yourself in the position of struggling to get your basic needs met (food and shelter--we know the love ain't there).

Talk to a lawyer to get the facts about how divorce would work out for you. Usually the first visit is free. Do this before telling your husband you are divorcing him.

Don't be the 'nice one' be the 'fair one'. Never mind what your therapist says, see a lawyer. Do not sign away things that you are entitled to. There's no special nobility in poverty.

Your choice is the right one for you.
A collateral beneficiary to your choice could easily be your dysfunctional husband.
Without the enabling factors to prop his dysfunctional position up, this change of circumstances could be the making of the bloke.
He can pick his own remote control up. He can make his own blt.
He'll be all the better for developing some adult skills. He was never going to develop them unless he "has to", and your choice - for you - will provide the impetus for him.
It's a "win / win" deal really, but the initial stages are going to be REALLY painful for you both in your own ways.
Tread your own path.

PS - you have taken legal advice and all have you Sister G ?

Good luck. The hardest challenges are those many people don't see. There is no applause or cheer or money. Just the peace leaving will hopefully give you and the strength for other challenged ahead. I hope I can do the same.