WE Don't Belong Together Anymore

My beloved husband of 40 years would rather end our marriage, than try to have a healthier happier me.  We hardly communicate, especially about our relationship.  He has never been a talker.  I accepted that fact since he is basically a good man and can be a very charming guy with friends.  We do well when we are out together in public and appear fine.

When the doors are closed, whether it is in the car, or in the house, he changes into a sullen unhappy man.  I've tried to keep his spirits up, but some days just my mere presence sets him off .. my talking, my music, my comments, my ADHD, etc.  He says I am overwhelming at times  and too animated in bed   He doesn't feel any desire for me and has ED problems.  He won't touch me in between our sexual trysts, that are carefully spaced apart, according to his schedule, and I never say no because I want to feel his touch and warm body next to mine.  

After being stuck in rush hour traffic yesterday with no conversation, I started feeling really awful ... and when I tried to talk I was told to stop talking to him because he didn't want to talk and I shouldn't take it personally. 

He saw a Urologist, specializing in ED problems yesterday and was given options to improve his sex life.  We had plenty to talk about.... He has accumulated 18 free trial male enhancement medications, in all different doses... from our family doctor to the specialist.   They all sit on his bureau, unopened. 

We went out to dinner and enjoyed the meal together.  Then back into the car and it started again ... he relinquished the steering wheel about an hour short of our house and proceeded to micro-manage my driving skills ...did I mention he is a controlling personality?  I admit I made a mistake and turned into a driveway that is adjacent to the road I have to turn onto-- it's dark in the countryside at night, and I had turned off my high beams at the intersection so not to interfere with other drivers ... he freaked out ... screamed about how I always make that mistake and when would I ever learn ... I retaliated ... told him I knew I made the mistake .. was sorry, but he wanted to continue screaming .. I told him if I needed to make the mistake fifty ****-in times, then that's what I would have to do .. my decision, not his.  Because my attention was diverted from the road, I almost ran into a small herd of deer on the road and told my DH that I couldn't continue arguing with him because I had to get us home safely .. he shut up.... until this morning when he told me he didn't sleep well because of the things on his mind .... stupid me said -- what? -- and he said my outburst in the car ...  (my defending myself and not allowing him to talk to me condescendingly.)

That's when he stormed upstairs and yelled down to me:  WE DON'T BELONG TOGETHER ANYMORE.    I have to consult a lawyer ... I have to hold on to my reality and make a happier existence for myself.  Good news is I am going down to my daughter's for the weekend ... and won't be here to be ignored and rebuked.

Thanks for reading and blessings to everyone


reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
2 Responses Feb 28, 2009

OMG, Reflections. I truly hope and pray you'll be better after a weekend with your daughter. To reflect, of course, to cry, to express yourself, to rest.<br><br />
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The lawyer is a must, in my opinion. I did that, went to a lawyer about two weeks ago. If nothing else, you'll get your affairs in order and have a better sense of what the two of you are up against.<br><br />
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As much as he hurt you and possibly set you free for a happier existence, don't forget . . . he probably didn't mean what he said, that you don't belong together. You may still come to that conclusion but give him a chance. As poor of a communicator as he seems to be, remember the five love languages, that maybe he's just speaking a different language.<br><br />
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It's 2:37 a.m., and I'll say a small prayer for you shortly. You've been a voice of reason for all of us and now it's our turn to support you.<br><br />
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Take care and God bless.

Dear Reflections,<br />
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You are such an amazing woman and it is so terrible that your DH cannot realise what a true treasure he has in you.<br />
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I wish more than anything that I could change things for you - and for myself and others on this forum.<br />
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Your decision to end it is the ONLY one that will result in a better life for you. It will be hard, it will be painful- but it will also be hopeful. <br />
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Please know that you are in my heart and in my thoughts - and, in your own words, I am sending YOU blessings.