Has anyone ever considered that the reason our spouses won't have sex with us is due to the fact they may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease while being unfaithful to us..?
AcousticGuitarGuy AcousticGuitarGuy
51-55, M
16 Responses Aug 17, 2014

Yes, that thought did cross my mind. I also thought he was suffering from dementia or impotence. When I finally gave up chasing his whys, and asked for a divorce, it ended up that he apparently had fallen out of love with me years earlier, and instead was in love with a much younger woman who lived in a developing country 8,000 miles away and whom my husband thought he had fathered a child by.

Bottom line: Chasing the refuser's whys is less productive than exploring whether it's worth it to you to stay with someone who is so indifferent to your unhappiness.

You think they'd care enough?

I think that'd be a long shot.

Our common situations are all about what the avoidant spouse is NOT doing within the marriage.
What the avoidant spouse might be doing outside the marriage ain't all that relevant.
Your choice is everything to do with what the avoidant spouse is NOT doing within your deal.
"Why" they are not doing the job in the marriage doesn't greatly matter. They just aren't. And *you* knowing "why" that is, is neither here nor there. It changes nothing about the avoidant problem.
Tread your own path.

One of the few times I'll have to disagree with you brother Baz. If my missus was putting it out elsewhere, and there were red flag signals even if she was doing me fine, I'd still want to know.

Disagreement and discussion is the life blood of this group Brother F.
My position is that the refusive behaviour in and of itself is the dealbreaker. You don't need the "cherry on top" of a definitive "why" to make your choice about the deals future.
I wasn't always of this opinion, indeed I was the best "why" chaser in the southern hemisphere, and managed to **** 20+ years up against the wall in this fruitless pursuit, until it dawned on me that whether I knew "why" or not made no difference to the facts on the ground.
The call I ended up making in October 2009 really could have been made in October 1989.

After being refused for so long and trying to hang on, if I found out he had sex with someone else, I would leave so fast his head would spin!

It would mean his problem wasn't with sex, but sex with me. I haven't approached him in years after being rejected so often

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After reading your below comments it would seem that your wife has given you red flag signs of unfaithfulness to say the least. You just want the proof.

If it is proof you are after i suggest you hide a Voice Activated recorder in her car, strapped with velcro under her seat. If she is chatting to someone this will expose her quick smart.

You could also hide your ipod in her car than activate the find my iphone app to check her whereabouts.

But that given even if you do catch her cheating the important question is what do you plan to do about this whole deal.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

At this point in the SM it is more likely me giving one to her. The refused has become the refuser and I have developed a keen interest in condoms! LOL


Does it really matter "why" they won't have sex with us? Isn't the decision regarding what we intend to do about it the only thing that matters?

You make a valid point. I guess like I am curious as to the "why" so I will have closure.

Closure is way less important than solving an issue in your life that is causing you this much pain. The why does not matter.

certainly one should wonder what their spouse is doing for sex, if anything. However I think the STD reason would be low on the list of possible why's, and why is not that important anyway

Nope..first husband used condoms always,it was automatic for him....we used it as contraception...the second husband just gradually lost his libido ....

Not in my case, my husband has ED and a low T count. We both work at home and he doesn't go out often.


It crossed my mind a long time ago. I mean, at some point you just think there must be a reason of why he/she is not interested.

It recently crossed my mind. After doing a memory check the last time I had sexual contact with my wife was during a quasi break up she had with a "good friend" that she chatted all hours of the night with and ran around with....only because of our daughters being close friends you see... I am really beginning to wonder if she crossed that line and caught something from that guy...

Ha..! Yeah'... I get physicals annually due to my job.

I have no idea. We are like roommates... Separate rooms, etc.

So, offer to up her life insurance. She will need a blood test and if there is a serious issue you will get a letter. Letter will let you know what she won't tell you. It's a horrible way to validate things.......

Did you asked her? I know is a very difficult and painful situation. Plus, you need to be ready for whatever answer she'll give you.

I asked her if she strayed. She said no. Normally I would have taken her word for it , but , I have caught her in a few different lies. All stemming to her activities alone or with friends.

I understand. You just don't know anymore. Just keep strong. I wish you all the best.

Thank you..

Yep.. There have been many signs..

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Not with mine...

Holy cow! I guess anything is possible. 😳

In my case I don't think that's even a remote possibility.