The one thing that drives me crazy...

My husband tells me he loves me a lot. I know that's suppose to be a good thing ,but it truly drives me batty. On our 12th anniversary this year he asked if I still loved him. I was already annoyed by the time he asked,so I asked him if he still loved me.

He looked confused as he usually do whenever I bring this topic up because he knew exactly what was coming next. I told him there's a difference between just loving someone and being in love,so was he "in love" with me ? He thought for a bit and his answer was yes..Now I asked him exactly how does that work when we haven't been intimate for years ? Of course he didn't have much of a response to that question. I explained to him that yes I loved him ,however, I was not in love because in order for that to happen I need to feel close to someone.

I just don't get it,he is truly willing to live this way forever,he said if I wouldn't argue and be mad at him all the time then he can picture us this way always....I just don't know what to do at times because he's a good dad etc,but I really need more.

I want to actually sleep and wake up to someone I am in love with...I want it all ! I just don't see it happening for quite some time,our son is only 11.

End of vent for today..
Isabellas35 Isabellas35
36-40, F
20 Responses Aug 17, 2014

I never presume that my situation is exactly like anyone else's because that can lead you to give stupid advice, but I do see some similarities between your situation and mine.


It always seemed to me that my wife would have been perfectly content to stay roommates indefinitely. I used to be one of the ones in the "it's all good except the sex" crowd. But it's not just sex, it's intimacy. As you say, it's love vs. being in love. I like my wife even now. I sometimes wish we'd had some big issue we could have put finger on, because we would at least have had something to work on.


If you're anything like me, our situations are probably the hardest to leave. As I posted on another story, I wished, prayed, hoped, begged, anything I could think to do to make my wife love me as I loved her. It took us (me) years to reach the point of knowing we had to go our separate ways. Some day you may have to make that choice too. I wish you strength as you seek to take care of you and what you need.

Dear Isabella, I am so sorry for your situation, it is a very difficult one to make decisions about, especially when there is a child involved, but you are in the prime of your life sexually, and the need for intimacy is very real and very important, and part of your continuing growth as a total human being, there will come a time when you are older and a companionship
Relationship will be good to have and will keep you in your latter years, but you are not there yet!
I urge you to make plans to either leave the marriage or find what you need outside of the marriage, ideally by an agreement of an open marriage, which I know is not what you truly want,
My daughter and her husband of ten years divorced, amicably, and lived near each other and with my help raised a young daughter, it as not the best way for the child, but the parents remained friends, and that was 30 some years ago, and the daughter remarried after about ten years, and so did the husband, and the ex husband and his wife have continued to be a part of our family since then, everyone accepts them as family, and loves them, so it is possible to divorce and still have the best of both worlds for your son, plus having a real life for yourself, and you husband might just find that with another woman, his sexual passions might return, and both of you would find true happiness,
This is just my story and I am not saying that you can manage to do this also but it may be worth thinking about,
Darlingrose

Sorry x

If you need to vent this is the place - there are lots of people here who know what you're going through and how frustrating and soul destroying it can be.

Has he given any reason why he's like this?

Low testosterone..He tried a few things long ago, but said it didn't work or resulted in headaches..

Ok, it's a problem but if he really wanted to there are things that can be done - and sex doesn't always mean insertion - there are lots of fun ways to get each other off.

It takes effort and imagination but it can be done.

Is he willing to experiment or has he just given up?

I've said this to him too many times at this point I've given up on that with him..If someone desires you they find a way ,they don't simply pretend the problem isn't there..

My wife and I haven't had sex for years, she has health problems that prevent her from having intimacy and I doubt she ever will.

I know how hard it gets and how frustrating and soul destroying.

It's especially hard because of your child. You have him to think of too.

Sometimes I wish we refused could all meet up...but I guess it'd turn into an ****...

Lol

I am sorry about your situation..I know how tough it gets.

It's ok - I outsource and play in here. I get by...but it is hard.

How do you cope?

I did outsource, but it ended..I don't know it's tough and like Metta says I want more ..It's hard to find that "more" when married . It's harder not having that distraction in any case, but I'm taking the time to work on me.

Metta has good advice, and others do too. Just take it all in and work out what suits yiu.

In some ways it's easier for guys - our outsourcing is somehow more acceptable.

There's no easy way out in this.

6 More Responses

Actions, not words!

Why not just get a divorce?

That's your response to everything ..Annoying !

I'm asking it as a serious question...not trying to annoy anyone...sorry that I had annoyed you, it wasn't my intention

Well, the real reason for me is my son.. My husband is a great dad and friend..I have had many discussions with him on the intimacy issue,but it does not seem as important to him..

Why don't you try opening up your marriage? Staying in a marriage just for the kids is a bad idea. Two happy homes is much better than a broken one.

Why can't you have a divorce that allows you and your husband to continue collaboratively co-parenting? Have you researched how couples have done this? It is possible. Some even choose to live on the same street.

2 More Responses

I understand the frustration. Sometimes almost unbearable. I have no answers however.

A shame that your story is all too often the same for so many people. So tragic when folks do not realize a marriage like any other relationship requires work and doing all the little things. When you lose that intimacy between you and another, it is just so devastating. I have made many mistakes in my life, but the worst mistake cost me so high a price.

Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones and he wakes up and works to regain the love and all that can go with it. It is very tough on children as they know way more about what is going on the their parents realize.

I wish you Happiness, Goodness, and Love.

Actions speak louder than words. If your husband is truthfully loving you, the fact that he won't make love to you demonstrates to you that his idea of love is different from yours, and what he's offering is not what would make you happy.

He may love you as a friend or like a close relative. But he does not love you like spouses are supposed to love each other. There is no to have and to hold in his love. You can either accept it and continue being miserable or you can release yourself from a marriage that will never give you the kind of love you desire.

You can't change him, but you can change your life.

There are only two ambush questions I can think of where refusers lose their edge for a moment. Do you love me is one and would you marry me again knowing what you know? The questions have recurred over the 30 years, the answer never changes and never, ever started a conversation.

When I told my refuser that if I had it to do it over again, I wouldn't marry him, he said nothing and made no physical response.

The last couple of arguments I've had with my wife included the topic of love. She said that it was hurtful for me to say she didn't love me as she insists that she does. I've tried to point out that I love my sister, my mom, and plenty of close friends, but certainly I wouldn't say my love for them was anything like a love a husband should have for his wife. Then she agrees that she doesn't have those kinds of feelings for me, which is entirely the point of my pain. The way I put it is if the love is enough to be satisfied by Facebook and lunch dates, then it isn't the love I want from my wife. Then all she can say is "I'm sorry". What else can she say? If it isn't there, it isn't there.

<p>Functional spouses *show* that they love their partner.<br />
Dysfunctional ones don't. (though they may *say* it)<br />
-<br />
Are you thinking "college plan" here as a method of resolvement ?<br />
-<br />
Tread your own path.</p>

Yes,I am thinking college plan may be best. The outsourcing bit did not work out ,and I don't feel like trying that again at this moment . I haven't spoken to a lawyer or made any solid exit plans.He's one of those people that seems to be ok not knowing ..In the meantime I am pursuing a degree,this is as far as I've reached in developing that exit plan.

Thank you !

Well if he is a good father then to some extent gives some peace of mind should you choose to divorce.

This is my life, minus the child. My husband and I are married 11 years, no intimacy in 3. I have asked him so many times what has changed that he doesn't show love or want sex. Told me that "sex isn't everything "

Message me if you want to chat.

Roxie, you're settling for sex chat with strangers when you could set yourself free from your marriage so you could be available for an in person relationship that could be public and give you the sexual and emotional intimacy you don't have now with your spouse.

I have no idea what you're talking about "sex chat." I'm just trying to participate in the conversation with another person going through the same thing as me.

Normally, when people say, "want to chat" on EP message boards, they are referring to sexting. That's what the men who pop up and say things like, "If you want to chat, contact me" mean. Unfortunately, some men (not the regulars here) think ILIASM is a pick-up spot.

I wonder if making sexual fidelity less important would fix this very common situation,

How would it fix it? Many people want to have sex, love and romance with their spouse, and with that person only. Being able to have sex with others wouldn't fill the void in their marriages.

It may not be possible to get all of those needs met by one person only. What if someone is a great co-parent but a terrible lover? What if he's a great lover but irresponsible with money? Maybe the concept of marriage is a delusional attempt to get all your needs met by one person.

If they are a great co-parent, they can be a great co-parent while divorced. Some people even live in the same neighborhood or on the same street with their ex so their ex can co-parent virtually as much as their ex did while living in the same home.

If a person is a great lover but irresponsible with money, their spouse can manage the money or one can hire a money manager. If one has to outsource to get sex in a marriage, however, one may have a roommate or parenting arrangement, but it lacks the one thing that makes marriage different from being a roommate.

I do agree with you, however, that it's delusional to think that one person should meet all of one's needs. However, having outside friends to do a variety of nonsexual things with, and hiring people to cook, clean, do one's yard maintenance and plumbing is very different from outsourcing for sex, the intimate act that many believe should be done only with one's spouse. I don't think there's any more intimate act than sex: Two people literally become one. If one has to outsource that because one's spouse is a refuser, why be married?

Oh, I agree with you - not arguing. But so many people get married for the other reasons - they want kids, they want to buy a house (and can't afford it on their own), they're afraid of getting old alone, etc. - and they tell themselves "sex isn't everything." Then - after they're well and truly stuck - their good co-parent, good provider, etc. is a terrible sex partner. But because of society's expectations - too bad! So they have to involve lawyers, spend lots of money, go through a lot of emotional stress, to rectify the situation.

After all that, I wonder if they still say, "Sex isn't everything"?

Now you are exactly on the right track.

It wouldn't, however if that void were interesting sex, it might. Very often the best part of a LT relationship is NOT sex, but friendship and love.

So if your relationship is only about friendship, where are you supposed to get the sex?

Good point, do you live in the San Diego area?

LOL, no.

6 More Responses

I know exactly how you feel. I've been settling for 14 years and deserve better.

I actually agree and feel for everything you've said here. It has been my experience in my marriage that love and being loved can carry a totally different perspective between the two individuals involved.
The longer marriage a exists the more vulnerable it becomes to lethargy and boredom and if not reinforced continually by intimacy any declaration of love becomes somewhat worthless.
I sought out many dalliances successfully in my years with 0thers suffering from the same condition and ennui. I found that intimacy and warmth is from my way of thinking the only definitive declaration of love and devotion. Without it the marriage is merely a charade.

Bacon scented candles?

Nope,passed that stage a long time ago..

yummmm... bacon... oh... sorry what were we talking about again? *wink*

I feel for you. This is what i have learned to accept about my Sexless husband - he probably loves me as much as he can love anyone. He is love avoidant for reasons that have nothing to do with me personally, and it is never going to change. If you can't live with that, then get out now while you are still young. I was where you are fifteen years ago, and now I'm 54 this year and wishing I left years ago. Good luck.

toolatetoapologize, I'm older than you, but divorced last year, and while I'm sorry that I didn't do it years ago, I'm glad that I finally had the guts to do it. I'm now living a life with love, sex, romance and emotional intimacy. This wouldn't have happened if I'd kept clinging to my arid marriage.

Believe it or not, I am making progress....slowly over the last 18 months or so. I no longer join in the 'dance' and I have been telling him we need to separate all year. I know I'm getting there, but money and kids make it a bit harder to get there. Also, I left the US to be with him and I have no other family here, so I still struggle with wanting to return home. But you inspire me, thanks for posting your story, it gives me hope.

Good rant!