I confronted my wife about our SM a month ago. Whats bad is that i had to wait a few days until the time was right and build up the courage to bring it up and not sound bad saying it. Then i realized, how bad does that sound? I have to get courage to bring up an important subject to my own wife. I always thought your spouse was someone you could tell anything to. Wow was I wrong! She completely shut down and refused to talk about it. Like, played a game on her phone and acted like i wasn't even talking. It was like a conversation with an upset teenager. Two days later she said she was going to work on getting in better shape and work on bringing back our sex life. One month has passed and nothing has happened. I tried to mention it a few minutes ago and she blew up at me " i told you i was going to work on it! " Yeah, shoving a big piece of cake into your mouth, that's attractive.
I've waited years for something to change so I figured that I can wait another month to see if anything changes. Nothing has. I've decided
Its time to talk to a lawyer to discuss my options. I'm so tired of watching my family and friends and their spouses getting along and having healthy relationships and wondering, "why not me?"
crowbar2012 crowbar2012
31-35, M
7 Responses Aug 17, 2014

While I hate to see a marriage end, you have had the talk with her and have given her a chance to make things better. The ball is in her court. Loosing weight is tough. How much weight do you think she has to loose? Does her weight effect your actractiveness towards her or do you just want an active sex life no matter what she weighs and she is the one who feels her weight effects your sex life? Are you supportive with her weight loss, offering to walk with her, planning healthy meals. Do you have children? If so I would give her more time before you file for divorce.

Unless he is refusing her due to her weight-- and there's no indication he is-- she shouldn't have to lose weight to make love. Refusers act like sex is all about only them, not a way to connect with and make their partners happy.she could keep all of her clothes on and still make love to him.

Putting this story into context with your others, consulting a lawyer seems wise.
The information can't hurt you, and once you've mulled it over and knocked together an exit strategy, a lot of pressure will come off. Simply because you will then have an alternative to staying in your dysfunctional deal. That is a great comfort, even if you are not, immediately, going to act on it. It gives you the knowledge that you *could*.
Any further negotiations you choose to conduct with your missus after that, will be from a position of certainty, because you'll have no fear of "what'll I do if she remains avoidant". You'll already KNOW what you'll do.
Tread your own path.

Funny, even the divorce conversation will take courage as you mentioned. How does that happen. I have pondered, practiced and rewritten many conversations with her only to have it all wasted in the first 60 seconds of her response. How indeed.

PureC, are you in individual counseling? That could help you be more assertive and it could help you think through your options regarding your sexless marriage.

<p>Brother Crowbar2012, seeking legal advice to see how a Divorce will shake out for you is very smart.</p><p>I hear your pain about the courage thing, been there done that. At some point one gets tired of their refuser, and their antics, and starts exploring their other options.</p><p>I believe you are at that point. Just because you see a lawyer doesn't mean you have to rush to Divorce. Indeed to be well informed incase Divorce does become an option is actually very smart.</p><p>Don't listen to the dribble of brother Hiddenks, he clearly has no idea what its like to be stuck with a manipulative, controlling, refuser.</p><p>Stay Strong &amp; Good Luck</p>

I can understand about trying to get the courage up to discuss an important topic. It shouldn't be that way with our spouse. I know for me I hate starting at the same point over and over. It's an avoidance tactic so you will stop bringing g it up or regret that you did.
I've sat with my wife and a counseled when she stared to do her usual. She asked if this is how all the conversations went and I said yes.
Long story short the counselor said that she needed more time with my wife alone to work on this issue of avoidance.
She soon stopped seeing the counselor

Classic avoidance technique ......didn't see that coming ;-)

You brought it up one month ago you're already looking at divorce?

I mean maybe you didn't really give all of the background information, but from what you did give it seems like either there is a whole lot that you are leaving out. Like when she said she wanted to get in shape was that because you criticized her appearance or was that her natural response to you having an honest conversation about a sexless marriage.

I mean if you were having a true heart to heart conversation, and that was her response then it seems like she may have security issues that a loving spouse would attempt to help with before running for the exit.

There's more, I was trying to keep it short. I have tried to discuss our lack of sex before and it has always been the same reaction for years now. For some reason lately I feel that if something doesn't change now, it never will.

MIght I suggest that you discuss counseling with her? Take the tack that 'we seem to have trouble communicating and I wonder if maybe a neutral third party like a marriage counselor might help us to communicate without anger and defensive feelings?' When it comes to seeking out an attorney only you can decide. It never hurts to figure out what your options are and the ramifications of those options. As far as taking the next step though the question becomes... do YOU want to try and save your marriage? If you do then it is at least worth giving her the chance to want to. She seems to 'say' she does, thus giver her an 'easy one' and see if she will agree to counseling. If she won't do that, or as my ex-wife did 'pretends' to go to counseling (shows up the first few times, never talks, and then suggests it isn't helping or we should 'take turns' going) then you at least can feel more secure that you have certainly given it your best shot. Just my two cents of course.

She might be insecure...

But she obviously doesn't want to work on her insecurities.

Good point! 😊

True..she might be frustrated though, for some people its way harder than it seems and it might be causing her to shut down
Either way, youll never know unless you ask

One should never hold onto their insecurities tighter than their partner. If you are going to have a healthy relationship, you have to make a choice between your insecurities and your partner. If one chooses to hold onto their insecurities that's all that they will be left with in the end. It is a choice between maturity and immaturity.

Even if crowbar's wife was open with her insecurities, without action to change the situation knowing why doesn't make a difference.

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