Choices

I've been in a sexless marriage for almost 10 years.  I don't know how I lasted this long.  Something changed this year - I realize that I could live the next 10 years in this limbo (or the rest of my life) if I don't do something.  I've been so lonely.  My daughter turned 13 and now Dad is not #1 anymore.  I've spent the last 10 years doing everything with her - she was (and is) my best friend.  Now she has other friends from school.  My wife is a teacher (so am I).  She is so involved with work - 11 hours at work and then three hours of marking each day.  I am not important to her anymore.  I look younger than my age (I'm 51) - I am tall, thin, have blond hair and blue eyes and am very athletic.  I've had to say 'no' to other women.  I'm thinking about a 'mistress'.  Two attractive women want to be with me.  One is my age, another 19 years younger.  I still love my wife but no sex for 10 years is just impossible to live with.  Over the last three years, she went to marriage counselling six times with me - I've gone 50 times on my own.  Now she refuses to go at all.  She thinks that I have the problem, not her.  I find this so diificult - it's as if my soul is just rotting.  I don't want my daughter to hate me if I divorce my wife or have an affair/mistress.  I've turned to sports and meditation to 'distract' me.  It helps but this sex thing is turning into such a big issue that I feel that I can't keep on ignoring it anymore. 

400w 400w
51-55, M
5 Responses Feb 28, 2009

The original post was from february 2009 ... I hope things have changed since then.

Your story sounds very familiar 400W. Good on you for having a look into the future to see what you are no longer going to tolerate now. The "something changed" for me was two years ago, and it has taken me this long to I think when kids are involved, it is important to think about the role model of accepting a crap situation and giving up choice. <br />
Your daughter will go through a period of adjustment, as will you all, but maybe in the long term, she will accept if your decide to leave, and maybe even come to understand. Perhaps your being happy will mean more to her than your remaining with your spouse.

Sounds like it's time to make a change. It also sounds like your wife is not going to be a willing partner in your marriage. Your daughter might go through a difficult spell but assure her that you're very unhappy with the way things are and that you still love her and nothing is going to change that.

Holy ****, no sex for 10 years, I bet rosie is a happy camper. Must be educators, as I, "she" are too. We are separated now, Last Oct., I went the the Friends with benefits route to satisfy the total rejection that lead to total resentment of my "wife. " She found out when we went to counseling and now my daughter thinks I am the bad guy.<br />
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You do have some very real concerns. If you have an affair and get caught, you will be the bad guy. If you don't, you won't. If I had to do it over again, I would have divorced before the FWB but I did not think I would be found out. <br />
Your story is my story, except I did not go 10 years! OMG I agree I do not know how you held out so long.<br />
Have you tried counseling for yourself? I still go to counseling but the "wife" does not as remember I am the bad guy now. <br />
Just some experience talking here. I hate it that my daughter sees me as the bad guy and does not understand everything.

In many ways your story sounds like mine - maybe it is a teacher thing? lol! I too sublimated my desires for a long time (over 12 years) but in recent months I have realised that I simply cannot live without sex and will nolonger do so.<br />
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I am in a NSSA relationship with a man who is in the same situation. It is working well for us at present. The ever present problem is the likelihood of emotional attachment . . . <br />
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Very hard to remain "cool, calm and collected" about a NSA relationship when you are getting very little intimacy at home.<br />
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Whatever you decide, I wish you well.