I really want to be out of this marriage in 12 months time! Just scared that I won't have the courage or energy to do it.
Inspireme1 Inspireme1
46-50, F
11 Responses Aug 18, 2014

It's been about 5 months--making any headway?

Just take it one step at a time. There are good times and tough times. Mostly things get better.

I feel for you. Not in a sexless marriage, but sex is very unimportant and I'm frustrated a lot. I like to chat if interested.

12 months is a reasonable time frame.
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce will shake out for you. Do that this week.
Then, from that information, start constructing your exit strategy. Keep your planning under your hat.
Give yourself deadlines for each stage of your plan, to keep yourself accountable.
But "START".
12 months goes quick.
You don't want it to be August 18 2015 when you think - "I better call a lawyer"
Tread your own path.

I hear stories of a sexless marriage. Usually it's the woman that does not want it. Thats my case. Regardless, I know how you feel.

One sentence can not possibly define a marriage. It only begs for more information. Children? How long? Property? No one could possibly give you informed advice, and I wouldn't try. My advice to my daughter was this "boys are stupid and we don't get any smarter we just get more money". Oh! and girls are from Venus. I hope it works out for all parties involved.

I was married for 15 years. Miserable but stayed because of the kids. I recently left, the kids understand. I've never been happier. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Put your big girl panties on and make a good decision. It will seem hard but trust me, it's worth it!

My 3 children, 15, 13, & 12, all understand that we are better people away from each other. She's happier...so am I. It's not worth the misery of a sexless, loveless, marriage.

I did it In 11 months. From first making the decision to do it all the way to moving my stuff out into an apartment.

In that time I planned. I got therapy, started yoga, visited an attorney.

You can do it if you want to.

I hear you. I'm in one I want out but I have no idea how to do it. If I go to a lawyer I suppose I'll learn how it would go but I have been the bread winner for 30 years and I can't see letting her to go poor. She is the mother of my children and has taken care of my home all these years. I simply can't live without a sex life anymore. At 51 I would really like to know what it is all about. I know there is no fixing it with her. She says she will do now, try a couple times a week and she thinks that's her doing her part. Thing is, I don't want someone that will do it because it's her duty. Where is the love in that? I suppose you can see some love in that but it's not the kind that passion is made of like when you desire someone and they you. Besides, her idea of sex is like, Ok, let's do it, I hope it's quick, I want to get to sleep. The sex involves no touching, no kissing, no different positions, no oral sex-never in my life, and she will lay there with facial ex<x>pressions like I'm raping her. I've renamed sex with her as consensual rape. And when I realized this, I quit having sex with her and now I haven't had sex for around 3 years except one time when I thought to try one more time like a year ago. It was terrible because she really doesn't like it. She can't have an ******, she has never had any feelings down there like a sensitivity to touch or anything. She will not see a dr. She says nothing wrong with her, this is normal. So for me, what to do? I'm old enough to know that an affair would be a waste of time since what I really want is love.

Ash, going to a lawyer would like you know how a divorce could shake out for you including what you could do to give your wife a fair deal. I was in a longterm marriage, too, and under my state's law, our assets and debts --with the exception of inheritances -- would be split 50:50. I got a better split than that because my refuser husband (who--when I decided to divorce-- revealed he had been cheating on me for years), allowed me to keep all of my small retirement fund and get 2/3 of the money left in his. He did this because I had a good lawyer who was very persuasive and because my ex was, I think, trying to make up for having secretly outsourcing money for years (including lots from his retirement fund) to his mistress.

Yes, interesting, sounds like you got out ok. With me she has no job-no income. I work a small family business but I don't legally own any of it cause my parents, the owners, never trusted my wife and didn't want a divorce to end with her owning any of the business. So all I have is some life ins. and the equity in the house which after the collapse in 2008 has been reduced by a lot. I hear she can go after my social security, I have no other retirement to speak of. I just work all the time. Part to try to make enough to keep up, but mostly just so I don't have to go home. If she got half of what I make as alimony, she would be poor. But I want to experience a real relationship with a woman. With her the sex is so bad I feel like **** after, like I have abused her. Is it really so wrong of me to want to know what is like to hold a woman in bed?

There's nothing wrong with you to want real love that includes sexual love and intimacy. Talk to a lawyer. The first visit usually is free. That's how you'll find out how divorce will work out. Assuming your wife is younger than you, she may have to go to work, but that should be possible at her age. Unless your wife is ill or still has very young children at home, there's no reason for her not to have to work to help support herself.

I think that your wife -- as long as she doesn't remarry -- would be entitled at age 62 to start getting social security based on having been in a longtime marriage. The payment she'd get would be based on your Social Security figure, but would not reduce your Social Security. You can look up the info on-line.

Given that you aren't getting sexual or emotional intimacy from your wife, sounds like your wife may be married to you because you are her means of support, not because she loves you.

Of course that's not wrong! Interesting, it sounds like your parents may have seen this in their crystal ball from early on, hu?

Wow that sounds dreadful as you describe things. It sounds like you know what you want but need to find your way there. You speak so kindly of her, made me wonder if you feel bad? Some sense of obligation perhaps. It's not like you plan to leave her high & dry. A good therapist may be able to help you move forward on this. So sorry :(

I feel bad because I've always been religious, Lutheran. Have always known divorce to be a no go there, that there is always hope. Reality has caught up with me. I think most of us are who we are. The trick is to find someone that will put up with us. Like I always say about me: Too soon old, too late smart.

I need to do this more than anything! I know I am scared of the unknown but I can't go on feeling the way I do. My health is suffering and because of it I have lost my self esteem. I've managed to get away from one marriage in my life.... I had the willpower back then because my children deserved a violence free home and it gave me the impetus to do something about it. I just need to dig down deep to find it again......

Yes, I know too about how it effects the health. I have RA and feeling down all the time leads to depression which leads directly into RA attaches. I have changed the narrative I choose to live in to provide me some relief from that, but still sometimes it finds me weak and then I suffer. Lucky, I wait til my kids all grown. Everyone thinks we are such a great family. And people think of me as such a great guy and say so all the time, if they only knew. Dig a little deeper, grow a little stronger and do it for you because if you stop it will trap you. You can do it, you already once.

Ash, our wives could be emotional twin sisters. Wife wife is also a good homemaker, mother, ect.
And i also struggle with the guilt having three children at home.
But i don't want to look back at my life with regrets and what ifs. So i am getting the proverbial ducks lined up because even with the nagging guilt,my feet still propel me forward like a unstoppable march towards a future of hope.
Reading many ILIASM posts i see men and women that have already done their marches and found peace and happiness on the other side.

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See a lawyer to find out how a divorce would shake out for you. Usually, the first visit is free. Get individual therapy to give you support and to clarify your thinking, including figuring out your exit steps.