It's No So Much the Lack of Sex....

which is definitely important.  It's the absence of intimacy.  The sharing and opening-up that makes us real and vulnerable to one another.  Sex would just flow naturally from that "primary union."  It would be effortless and natural.  Instead we have no intimacy - no real emotional connection.  Fear or self-doubt or I don't even know what to call it - pervades.  I chose her.  I chose this.  14 years ago.  I went from a very emotionally connected - well fled actually - to my current wife because true intimacy made me feel unstable and unworthy.  So I found something more comfortable - less challening.  And there was sex - not nearly as great as before - but it worked.  Fast-forward nearly 14 years and 2 young children later and I find myself yearning for that which I fled.  We have zero sex.  I don't even know how to start.  I've tried.  I can deal wih the divorce, I just have not been able to confront looking my 8 and 3 year old sons in the eyes and say I'm leaving.  Yet, I think it's for the best.  The reasons I see posted on why folks stay - while honest and heartfelt - mostly boil down to Fear and Victimhood.  No thanks.  I'm not there yet - and I know I'll make mistakes - maybe even wish I stayed, but I found reading other people's experience - so close to my own - as motivating.  Its not the sex -  it's the ultimate act of being human - intimacy and vulnerability.  Sex is just a natural after that I think.

pashe pashe
36-40, M
3 Responses Mar 1, 2009

"Its not the sex - it's the ultimate act of being human - intimacy and vulnerability. Sex is just a natural after that I think." I love that line and completely understand.

INTIMACY ...the key .... the rest flows after that.<br />
Suggest seeking counseling on an individual level. Kids have built in radar and sense emotional pain. You can be happier ... people don't change, we change.<br />
Hope you come back for more encouragement<br />
We empathize and wish you peace of mind

You are very healthy emotionally. It would be better if the boys had you at least 50% of the time. IMHO. Good luck!