Sad But True

As they say, here goes nothing....

I have been married for a little more than a decade.  During most of that time, my wife has been emotionally distant and physically unavailable.  We have three children were very affectionate before their birth.  The pregnancy for our first was extrememly difficult and traumatic.  Before things took a turn for the worse, she told women are only interested in sex to get pregnant (we'd been married for two years at that point). I was crushed.

I did not pressure her to have sex after the baby arrived.  I helped with our daughter and worked two jobs.  Even today, I am still the primary parent (scouts, gymnastics, homework, sick kids, etc.).  I was also honest with her about her looks...she was more beautiful than ever.  Each year she seems to get more and more attractive to me.  We had sex even less as we added two more children.  I know exactly when the children were concieved as we were only having sex once a month.  She wasn't overburdened with work (she has worked very little), cleaning the house (I do it all), or taking care of the kids (me again). 

She doesn't kiss me.  It all of a sudden became "disgusting" to her in year 3.  She claimed it had always made her "sick" but she did it because I liked it.  The same was to be said for sex after year 5.  It was "nasty", "messy", & "wasted time".  She often said, "It's not you. I wouldn't have sex with anybody".  It was humiliating.  There were tons of excuses for everything.  Each year brought a new reason.

In year 10 she became ill.  She's been sick for several years and sex has trailed off from a few times a year to none at all.  I understand her sickness, but we weren't exactly on solid ground before she became sick.

I feel guilty for having these feelings.  I am angry about the situation and it creates a cycle.

That is my experience.  I'm sure I left things out and this is a one sided view, but it is how I feel.

bigtony615 bigtony615
31-35, M
7 Responses Mar 1, 2009

I like the ,"It's not you so don't take it personally" lines many of us get. Just how are we supposed to take,"No, I don't want to have sex with you" from our spouses. It's about as personal as it gets.

My husband tells me not to take his lack of interest in me personally ... whether sexually or just in conversing.<br />
Difficult to turn a marriage into a brother and sister act.<br />
When I tried to help him out with ED I was called repulsive and over-sexed... and he cared less if I was hurt.... after all, he takes care of his own self, by refusing to become sexually healthier... and living without sex........I am the obsessed one.... how about a hug or letting my leg touch his in the still of the night???<br />
I'd rather find short term happiness than spend more years like this. Come to your own conclusion, but remember that life waits for no one.<br />
Blessings tonight

My own situation seems to have had some similarities. My wife was not quite so direct in her aversion to sex, but it did end up that she felt responsible for a limited selection of the housework and little or nothing else, going so far as to tell me that she did not wish to get a driver's license as she felt there was nothing in for her personally and that I'd expect more work out of her for the family. Well, yes...not to put too fine a point on it, but I've been doing everything that she did for the kids since our separation in what amounts to my spare time. When you reach the point where you ask yourself why this person lives here if she doesn't love you and doesn't think she needs to contribute to the work of the family, it's done. The good news is that if you can convince her that you should be the custodial parent, you already know you can handle the work.

Sounds like you've been nothing short of a wonderful husband and father. Your wife has what I have been yearning for....and she doesn't appreciate it. You're a good man....don't ever think otherwise. You're a good man.

What do you get from this marriage? Some here have friends and companions in their mates, some have financial security, but it sounds as if this woman gives you nothing. Is that the case?<br />
<br />
Perhaps you should go to therapy (alone) and work out these feelings. <br />
<br />
Good luck

Anger and guilt are common denominators here in this forum. Many, if not most, of us swing between the two. Anger that our spouses have unilaterally put us in this impossible position - without any negotiation or agreement from us.<br />
<br />
Guilt because we know that they (in the most part) love us (albeit in a nonsexual way) and that we will hurt them badly if we leave.<br />
<br />
For many this guilt is compounded by children, mortgages, other family considerations.<br />
<br />
The third factor is fear - will I actually achieve anything by leaving? Will I end up still sexless and lonely - and without any of the material or other comforts my marriage DID afford?<br />
<br />
Is the risk worth it?<br />
<br />
Each of us must come to his / her own conclusion, and I can only wish you well as you struggle with that decision.<br />
<br />
Just be aware of one thing, she will NOT change.

Sounds like you married me, minus the children.