The Threat

This morning my husband came home and got on his side of the bed and turn on the television like he always does.  He knows I can sleep through the noise as I have a hearing loss from childhood.  The lights never bother me either.  I was awake anyway and just laying there.  He poked me to make sure I was awake and I giggled.  Normally I just turn over and ignore him.  He asked me when my gyno would say I'm well?  I told him I see my doctor in two more weeks.

I swear sometimes I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, if I had said the doctor told me I could never have sex again I would be in the clear and wouldn't have to live with this man's inquiries.  Anyway my dear old husband told me in vivid detail of his plans of what we will be doing the weekend after the doctor says I am well.  I was horrified!  Disgusted! and sickened at the very thought!  Then I got up and read TinkerDill's post and I realized this wasn't a threat at all but one more sincere attempt of my husband to reconnect.  It wasn't a threat of horrible things it was a desire of a man that loves his wife and is trying to make her feel good and loved.

I guess I'm finally realizing that marriage isn't just about me, it's about him too.  Us as a team and perhaps, God help me, us as lovers realizing each others needs and trying to fulfill them.


TouchMeNot TouchMeNot
41-45, F
15 Responses Mar 1, 2009

What a neat story! Very inspiring! :)

That's an inspiring outlook there. It sometimes takes a knock to the head to remember that it usually (not always) takes two to cause couples problems.

Oh dear! Another one! Tiffi, you really need to read ALL the posts and stories that TMN has posted before you decide to criticise her. She had VERY good reason to feel the way she did about her husband.<br />
<br />
The two of them are now working together to solve this problem and we support them totally and applaud them.<br />
<br />
As you grow older (grow up?) you will find that compassion is a great virtue - it means showing empathy and understanding instead of jumping to conclusions and making harsh judgements - especially if they are inappropriate.

Him telling you all the things he wants to do to you is his way of telling you how close to you he wants to be and he wants as much of you as you can. Perception is key. Your feelings towards him are clouding the beauty of it. Talking here is a good way to get those emotions out, try not to dwell on them and let them go. We tend to do that, I do it and it's hard to let go. We tend to just keep cycling over and over again emotions and feelings until they become our perceptions we are unwilling to change. Look through a different eye at the matter and see if it changes. Good luck!

Thank you reflections3 and thrive. I will of course write of my up and coming coupling with my husband. I admit the thought of it makes me kind of uncomfortable but I guess it will just be baby steps. I have been married to my husband for 20 years now and he's only hurt me once sexually and that was my own fault.

Thank you for sharing this story of hope, please let us know how things work out.

You have been touched by an Angel. <br />
Perhaps your husband went too far with his anticipations, in your mind. However, in his, he was completely comfortable and looking forward to being intimate with you.<br />
You are open minded to feel this. You are a sensitive woman and your man loves you. I will pray that everything will work out for both of you.<br />
Feel better and blessings to you and him

I'm going to message you privately about some things that might help.

enna30 I have a long way to go. I am a bit nervous about the physical interaction. I mean it's been 7 years and I only used maxi and mini pads when I had my periods. So I don't actually know how it's going to feel or how I may react. I also had a total hysterectomy so I can't help but think that it may be difficult. All I can do is try and know that I'm not alone when my husband is right there with me and trust him again.

You have a whole team of people on your side here! We are pleased for you and we want what is best for you. If you want any help, advice, suggestions - don't hesitate to ask.<br />
<br />
May the bluebird of happiness fly over you forever more.

Ohhhh Touch!!!! What a beautiful thing to have happened. You are soooo lucky. If my lover's wife had had that moment at any time before he'd reconnected with me, he would never have pushed "send" on that fateful email.<br />
<br />
She will never know the lover I have, who's only goal is to give me pleasure, and takes his pleasure in making sure I reach satisfaction. You probably want to do some reading while you're still healing. There are sex help books by the score, find one that doesn't scare you. Start with massage, perhaps. I think you said you find oral (W-->M) turned you off. But if he's willing and you can relax just letting him do it may make him feel so good.<br />
<br />
My lover and I once spent two hours finding each others errogoneous zones, and we didn't allow genitalia to be considered. There is a spot on his body that turns me on, sensually it doesn't do much for him, but seeing me enjoying myself on that 2" square of soft skin excites him tremendously. The back of my neck is a place he can never nuzzle too much. Is that sex, no but it sure is intimacy! My armpits turn him on (really I don't ask) and he loves it when I kiss his ears. He loves my ears and when i taught him not to use a sloppy wet tongue I even began to enjoy him kissing my ears.<br />
<br />
So take it slow, make it about giving pleasure and showing affection. Don't get it in your head, "we will have sex" think "we will show love" to each other.<br />
<br />
Please feel free to msg me.

Heywood it's gonna take time. I don't want to have sex but I have to realize that my husband may have needs that need to be fulfilled. I've been selfish and hateful towards this man. I can't promise that I am going to be the lover he desires but only try.

Thank you enna30. I invited my husband to come with me to see my gynocoloist to see about my limitations. As it's been 7 years my husband has promised to be very gentle with me. I'm sure it will just take time and lots of practice. I imagine I will have to relearn a few things an maybe discover things I might actually like Iand enjoy. I actually hugged him this afternoon and kissed him as he went off to work. I think I shocked him.

TMN, I really believe you CAN be a success story on this forum. I hope you won't mind me saying so, but ever since you started posting, I've been thinking to myself:<BR>"this lady doesn't want to have sex and says she hates it - but she is looking at and posting on a forum about sexless marriages. I think it bothers her more than she likes to admit."<BR><BR>You "a-ha" moment is a wonderful thing - cling to the knowledge you have discovered.<BR><BR>But your needs must also be met and it sounds as if you have some serious issues with the way your husband makes love to you.<BR><BR>It is probably a bit soon to suggest this, but I know you have had therapy in the past - could you consider seeing a sex therapist together?<BR><BR>The way I see it is that you need a third ob<x>jective person present when you and your husband talk about how a sex life might occur between the two of you.<BR><BR>If there are certain sex acts you cannot bring yourself to take part in , he needs to respect that.<BR><BR>Equally, you might need to compromise on things that are not totally to your liking.<BR><BR>I realise you are probably a way off from this point as yet, but please consider it for the future.<BR><BR>As someone who LOVES sex I find it hard to see your point of view, but as a "sister" I totally respect your right to have your life be meaningful and honest on your own terms.<BR><BR>Every best wish for a better life in the future.

Thanks Evoke. I guess I was to upset about not being able to have children to realize I was hurting my husband.