Life after ILIASM

I used to be a regular here. I found this group was very supportive and it really helped me regain some perspective and find the courage to leave my relationship of 16y.

I have been separated 10 months now. I won't tell you they have been easy. It's been bloody difficult actually! Divorce is about to be finalised in next 2-3 weeks.

What I will say is that I have done my absolute best not to be a **** throughout this process. It's difficult, but every time a potential situation comes up you have a choice as to how you behave. This has worked well for me. I've been lucky that my ex was mostly on board with this approach too. Of course I slipped. And so did he. But somehow we have been managing not to escalate our breakup from sad-end-of-marriage to all-out-war.

Tonight we chatted on the phone for 5h. We have been talking quite a bit lately and having the odd lunch together. Tonight we talked a lot about the marriage. About how we should probably never have been married, but were too stubborn to admit failure. About how everythig else in life seemed to be more important. The money, the business, the shared life... About how we think we could probably go on holiday together (in separate rooms!) and how we would both be happy if the other found someone special. It was really healing.

It's amazing to me to finally feel so much love and compassion for this man that caused me so much pain and heartache. I can only say that no matter what the situation I have to take full responsibility for staying as long as I did. Blaming him was always a pointless exercise. In fact, staying in a marriage where you are blaming the other reflects more about your own faults than those of the other person. Choosing to stay is as powerful a choice than choosing to leave.

I'm really proud of US for getting through this break up as adults and for managing to remain civil and decent. It was not easy. There were times when I thought I wanted to kill him. (Or at least hurt him badly :-)... But I talked to my therapist and when that didn't help I went for a run and when that didn't help I just kept my mouth shut and never communicated while drunk! (I think this should be a key rule. NEVER communicate after more than 1-glass of wine!!!)

This is not meant as a self-congratulatory rant. I wanted to share that I am happy, positive, enjoying my new life, enjoying a much-improved, new kind of relationship, with my ex and that post-ILIASM life in general has a much rosier tint.

Getting out of a bad (sexless, unloving, toxic, distant, abusive, manipulative... Whatever your flavour of 'bad' is) relationship is never easy. And it takes time to find your feet again. But I can tell you that it gets easier. And everything, even the scariest things, are easier to deal with without the constant stress of feeling bad/sad/unloved/unwanted/rejected...

All the best to all of you who are still in the finding out or getting out stages. There is a lot of light at the end of the tunnel and I wish you all much strength,courage and patience. Change is good.
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12 Responses Aug 19, 2014

Thank you for sharing this. You speak much wisdom. Best wishes in your new life. Peace & Love.

Terrific to hear from you again Sister NeedingToVent.
I joined here in February 2009, and in all that time, I have never seen a story from anyone who got out of their ILIASM shithole coming back here and saying -
"Boy, I wish I was back in that shithole" -
Not even one.
It's great to see you have been able to negotiate a new relationship with your former spouse based on what it is. That's a credit to you both.
Tread your own path.

My stbx and I are both reading "The Good Karma Divorce". It has been very valuable in keeping things amicable so far.

Thank you for this post.


Good luck and best wishes. A story that contains food for thought for many.

:::starts slow clap:::
This is a very encouraging post. Good on you!

Very good to hear positive stories like yours.

Thank you for this. I wish you all the good things you desire in life. Our divorce was granted march 2014 Ex and I are good friends. Most people cannot believe it. It terrorises my girlfriend. Hopefully she will soon understand there is not threat of marriage reconciliation.

True. They don't realise how much hard work it takes to remain friend. I think it is harder than ending up enemies. I guess you will also find that it concerns your next suitor too. Good luck with your future. Hope your next relationship is with the most romantic and horny man on earth. (Oh! That's me.) sorry the second most romantic then. Joking. I really wish that you find your perfect lover. Take care.

All good stuff - congrats & thank you for sharing. How are the children?

Further to my comment. We have almost adult kids. It was an additional incentive to end amicably.

Yeah absolutely! Be as civilized and amicable as possible, especially when you're setting an example for your children. But either way it's awesome that you guys can behave so well! Bravo!!

So much encouragement here...Thank You

I am in awe of your accomplishment. I am preparing myself for the discussion to inform my wife that I want a divorce. I am confused and feel fear about her reaction to my decision.

Thank you for that reminder. I am writing down how I feel. For me, writing is like a dry run. During our discussion I will try to remain centered and poignant about my feelings. I am pretty sure when I am finished that she will again try to convince me why I am making the biggest mistake of my life. Afterwards she will remind me of all the bad things that I have done. I will have to leave the house because she will most likely berate me in an attempt to wrap her mind around the thoughts. I know she is not happy with the relationship yet I also know she wants to stay married. Its just that she wants me to have different feelings than the ones I have. -- Sorry to be jumping on your post. Trying to sort my own mind out I suppose.