This is the first thing I'm posting here but it's very important to me. I can't tell people.
Me & my partner haven't had sex in over 3 years.
carrieAberdeen carrieAberdeen
36-40, F
23 Responses Aug 19, 2014

Nobody believes you if you say you are not having sex - it's hard to get taken seriously...

Yep. I went from August 16 2006 - our separation June 1 2012 miserable existence isn't it?! Personal circumstances that really add to the burden of dissolving your relationship that you move on. The odds, sadly, are extremely stacked against you reclaiming your former affection and bond with this person.

Talk about it. Share needs and desires

Pam me. I can tell you things

Been awhile for me as well, my wife recently diagnosed ADHD/ mood disorder..... was not like this years ago, dont know what happened. ...I love her, but not in love with her anymore with all the **** i been put throu. Ahhhh! That felt good to say

3 years??? WOW, thats crazy. Without sex how is your relationship any different than a friend or roommate? What is his problem? I'm glad you could get this off your chest and share the story with people who get it. Knowing you are not alone can help in some ways. What are you doing for yourself to cope with this?

Yup it's a long time. I don't cope really!!!! I suppose the usual & keep a well set stock of batteries too.
At times it does feel like a roommate, this I have even told him.
It started as health but now just in his mind.

I am so deeply sorry, I know what its like to be with someone who chooses to stay in this sort of dysfunction. My wife is just like him, she is capable of amazing heights of sexual pleasure and fun, but she chooses not to share that with me. She can, but in her mind - limits us. Its so frustrating and she is totally happy the way she is. It kills me and causes so many issues. I really hope you two can figure it out, otherwise you (like me) look forward to a long future of disappointment and sexual frustration. Thank God our hands reach to our pelvis!

I love the open & honesty of this groups. But yes thankfully hands do for now!!!

I am a recent addition to the club here. All I can say is that is was a bit of a relief to finally be able to express my true self somewhere. It really helps to see other people going through this, so I feel like less of a freak. Sometimes we even have a laugh. So maybe we can all get through this h3ll together.

Wow that's a very long time, how do you maintain.

Well the art of self certitude to be honest

Additional narrative and background on your situation may attract comments that could provide you with a novel perspective on your situation and help shift the current pattern on thinking that is keeping you trapped in a marriage devoid and ******** of physical (and potentially emotional) intimacy. I’m pretty sure this is a run-on's okay, I write with an accent anyways.

You are not alone in this.

Read lots here, and our group loves to answer any questions

I'm very sorry to hear that. As we tend to say 'Welcome to h3ll sorry you had to join us!'. You will find good advice, bad advice, friendship, and most importantly understanding and a sympathetic shoulder in this group.

It's taken my hubby 13 years (3 years in couple counselling, Phsyco Sex Therapy & Viagra - first 10 years he was in denial). He thought it just affected him (even though I poured my heart n soul out - wiping tears from my eyes) & would get angry to avoid anything remotely sexual. Only when he truly understood the affects on me and the marriage (5 months ago I was assertive & told him exactly how I resented him & coolly & calmly told him I'd had enough & was walking away for my own self respect) did something click into place for him? He understands & respects my needs. He wants to fulfil them & now has the 'power' to?? I'm not sure how things clicked for him but that god they did. I was the loneliest, heartbroken, shadow of a woman. What a secret to carry n what turmoil it causes. Best of luck xx

I have been assertive & told him in passed. I was a very tactile person before I met him. I have even told him I had more sex while being single. He does want to but just doesn't. I do think therapy would help, I'm in Scotland uk so will look into it in local area. Thank you for sharing with me

I'm in uk too x told him over the years but think my pain over it meant he didn't understand the message as he would shut down as soon as I got upset n would put barriers up x we had to go through 'Relate' x really helpful x without it we couldn't even mention sex & couldn't initiate sex x he was in denial x I think my cool calm 'I'm leaving for my own sanity' (basically, indifferent) got through cos I was so clear n there was no emotion for him to knee jerk react to (without thinking about the impact brushing it under the carpet was having) x we weren't living we were existing until then x

It's like I'm just his room mate at times. I'm sure I'm not alone in that though. I have given him the if he doesn't get help talk. We have seen doctors etc so I think counselling is now a way forward.

From the stories here and my own experience, it seems that individual counseling for you might be the most effective way to get help. Those who end up in ILIASM usually have refusing spouses who will not go to marital counselor or go but do nothing in marital counseling. For instance, some spouses find reasons to miss sessions or refuse to talk about sex.

Individual counseling will help you start focusing on yourself and your own needs and desires, and how to meet them instead of focusing on trying to change your spouse. If you have to beg, plead, manipulate, cry, etc. to get your spouse to want to have sex with you, then they probably aren't sexually compatible with you. You can't change your husband. You can change your own life.

I felt the same way...for years x 'if you don't get help' didn't work for us x I had to physically drag him to counselling x turns out he had issues from his teen years that he'd not addressed n pushed down n the impotence was a symptom of that x I've had a secret affair as some sort of 'is it me - am I the problem' thing I had to work through (self esteem plus wanting to be wanted) x It nearly killed me emotionally with the stress & I distanced myself from hubby to cope x I wouldn't recommend it x brutal experience x

That must have been difficult to go through that. I can understand that feeling as I have had thoughts of "meeting someone else" but I couldn't. I think like you, the guilt would wreck me.

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Keep going, and believe me - you won't say anything we haven't heard before. Welcome. You will find friends here.

Welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same situation. My husband and I also haven't had sex in over 3 years.

Can I ask why it's been 3 years for you?

You can read my story here:

The short answer is that he doesn't want to have sex.

Have you done what the majority of people who end up in ILIASM have done: talked to your partner about it; tried what we call the "bacon scented candles approach" -- nice lingerie, romancing him, etc. ; trying to figure out why he's not interested in sex; tried meeting his every whim so he knows he's loved?

If so, you're in good company, and, I am sorry to say the odds are not good that things will improve. Unfortunately, you don't have the power to change your spouse, only you.

There are only 4 potential solutions: Remaining in a celibate marriage while continuing to try over and over again what hasn't worked to get sex back. This method can go on for years and decades with no result. I speak from experience.

You also could outsource (not something I recommend because of the complications that can result. Also, you still will be in a sexless marriage). You also could divorce. Yes, having a partner who refuses to have sex is good grounds for divorce. He may be a nice guy (as many people here feel their refusing spouses are), but he's not a good husband if he refuses to do the one thing that makes marriage different from living with a roommate.

Read the stories here for more information. Be grateful for the fact that you found this site while you're still young and relatively early in your sexlessness. Many people here didn't find this site until they were decades older than you. It's much more difficult to overhaul one's life the older you get.

For many of us including me, individual therapy was more helpful than marital counseling because individual therapy with a good therapist can help reassure you that having a sex drive is normal and healthy, and a good therapist can help you think through your options carefully.

Just clarifying for a 'newbie' that when the term 'outsourcing' is used we don't just mean having an affair. It could be an agreement with your spouse about an 'open marriage', hiring sex, a friend with benefits, or the full blown love affair.

We have talked a lot about this. A lot of it is his weight. He has heart/breathing condition which is now under control. So now when he tries to start he gets breathless which is his weight now heart & it spooks him.
I'm very understanding with him, would never laugh etc & he knows he is loved.
Would never have open relationship as wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.
Love finding this app the people on here are supportive. It's great being open

Yeah I had the same reaction. I just couldn't find a comfort zone in 'outsourcing'. I don't blame, castigate, or look down in any way on those who do. More power to them if it helps them find happiness and a way through a sexless marriage than good for them. Unfortunately, for those of us who can't really be comfortable with that we have pretty stark choices to choose from. I chose divorce and despite the costs financially, emotionally, etc. it has been well worth it. Others choose to stay.

That sucks why not fix it?

I wish it was that easy. We have tried

I'm so sorry!!!sex is very important but its not everything

No you are very right. It's not everything. Just very difficult knowing that I had more sex while I was single thing I do in a relationship.

Stay strong and enjoy each other the rest doesn't mater

Actually Ralphie, it DOES matter, or carrie wouldn't be here!

SEX in a marriage is very important. it's how you express your love. I'm with Solitaire on this. Without sex your roommates.

Ralphie, you sound like a refuser. Sex doesn't matter to them, but it does to most other people.

Thanks for the harts Good luck with everything

Same for me carrie. To be honest, I had more sex in ONE weekend with my last lover (prior to meeting my partner), than I have had in two years with the man I'm now living with. I'm a very sensual and sexual person, and I'm feeling the effects intensely from the constant refusal and lack of interest from my partner.
Joining the ILIASM group has helped me immensely. I have gone from blaming myself and looking for all the reasons "why" he's not attracted to me, to now knowing that it is HIS problem, not mine.
I can only advise you to read a lot from the stories in this group, and I'm sure that some very knowledgeable people will give you sound, thought provoking advice.

I was very similar. Had more sex being single that with my partner in last 7 years. We had sex for the first 4 years but was never frequent. Then 3 years nothing.

No but it is the primary difference between a friendship and a relationship with your spouse. While 'no sex' for an acceptable reason like medical issue, etc. for a marriage that still has the other aspects of physical intimacy can be 'accepted' by some the vast majority of the time the lack of sex goes hand in hand with a general lack of physical affection and intimacy.

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Sorry to hear that...intimacy is extremely important for most ppl...I realized that after I lost it from my wife whom I love very much. Have you spoken to him about it? If not, that would be good first step.

We have spoke, been dr for tests. Had Viagra. He just doesn't get the NEED. When he does he bottles it.

If he doesn't have the need, you are not sexually compatible. He may love you in his own way, but his way is not the way that husbands are supposed to love their wives, so of course you are frustrated, hurt and angry. You can't teach him to desire and enjoy sex any more than you could teach a blind man to enjoy rainbows. You can, however, choose to set yourself free from an incompatible marriage so you can be available for the kind of love you desire.

It's nice to air my situation & not be laughed at

Welcome to the group....

You will not be laughed at here, we are all in the same boat ... craving emotional intimacy and a sexual relationship with our nearest and dearest. Refusal of our partners to provide something "necessary" to fuel the relationship is extremely damaging to the person who is refused. It's soul destroying and heartbreaking.

well said

Welcome to the club. Nobody here who is going through it will laugh, the others who try to put digs in we will chase off. I was your age when my hubby stopped having sex with me... I'm 42 now... it's been a long time. I don't cheat, but I am getting real tired of not having that emotional support or the physical one.

I am the same I have never & would never cheat. I do not believe that's my solution.

Nobody is laughing on this board. Has he had his T count tested? I don't get why he bottles it when he has a need.

He has had them checked & his level is slightly low but the specialist said not enough to cause this. He is also very overweight so that doesn't help.

Trust me no one is laughing and yes coming to our little 'coffee klatch' can be very much like a relief valve for the pain and frustration.

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Welcome to EP there are a bunch of sexless marriages here. It's a good place to vent with other people who are in or have been in tough relationships. Sorry to hear of yer situation!

Thank you for the welcome too. It's nice to hear I am not the only one

She still loves me. I love him. It started with his health but that sorted but it's all in his head now.
I miss it very much

Sorry to hear that i just pasted my one year


Your not alone