New and Looking For Advice

Wow! I'm not too sure where to start. I never thought I'd ever find myself in this position. I'm in my early 30's married for 2.5 years together for 6, no children. My husband and I have not had sex in 18 months. When we were having sex, I was ALWAYS the one to initiate. Our sex life went from maybe twice a week, to once every other week, to once a month, to not at all. When we got to the once a month stage I spoke to my husband and expressed my concerns about the frequency, his lack of interest in sex, and how horrible it made me feel that he never initiated. He said it bothered him as well yet he never made ANY attempt to change the situation. I wasn't sure what to do, should I give up, leave him? At that point, I put 110% in the marriage and got no response.  Now, here I am 18 months later.  He's in his late 30's and in excellent physical health so that's not an issue. Does anyone have any feedback as to why he's not interested?

msmini msmini
8 Responses Mar 1, 2009

Have you gained weight? Have you let yourself go? Those are some of the reasons men stop having sex with their wives. If not then maybe things have just gone stale and your husband is too embarassed to ask you to spice things up. Same thing happened to me and my wife until we spiced things up a bit. We started off slowly with me dressing up in her lingerie then onto tying up and light bondage. After time she got used to it and we've never looked back; scat, pee, **********, *********, dogging. She's a bit weary about zoophilia at the moment but I know we'll get there because our marriage is now as strong as ever.

Reflections said something there, about our spouses, how they're comfortable where they are. That's the crux of the issue for some of us, maybe you.<br />
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My wife loves her life, her friends, the children, her job, her shopping, everything but me, romantically, erotically, sensually. <br />
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What should you do? Get him into therapy. I talked my wife into therapy, after months of months of coercing. Good luck.

I empathize with you and ask you to imagine further being 60 and still in your shoes? Nothing ever changes unless you change.<br />
Continue personal therapy, regardless of his position on getting help, physically or emotionally. His choice.<br />
Then move onto yourself and work hard to uncover all the whys and smoke screens of your relationship. If you really want to change your life for the better, your blocks will be revealed to you.<br />
Sometimes just admitting that there is a problem and not living the lie, will bring about change. I have found that sometimes our spouses refuse help because they are comfortable where they are, for some unknown reason. We can't control the feelings or thoughts of our partners and waste living time trying to do so.<br />
Prayers that you will be released from the negative aspects of your marriage. We have been there, and still are.

I'm right there with you! My husband has no interest either, and if it weren't for my pets, I'd get no affection at all. I did suggest he get his testerosterone checked and, guesses?? DANGEROUSLY LOW! So, he had the little pellet implant thing and it got better for a while. He refuses to get the damn thing replaced and I think that should tell me something, right? If he's not willing to do what needs to be done to help the cituation, well, actions speak louder than words don't they?<br />
See if your hubby is willing to get tested, it's just a blood test by the way.<br />
Low Testerosterone is dangerous and can cause so many health problems un-related to sexual drive like high blood pressure and heart disease to name just two. (There are so many) Good luck and I am sorry that you have to feel this way! I'm sorry for all of us!<br />

Your story sounds like mine 14 years ago. I'm now 41 years old with 2 children and my husband is a stay at home dad. To this day my husband doesn't want to have sex with me. I never took it personally because prior to my husband I never had problems meeting men. Early on in my marriage I had several affairs as a way of dealing with being in a marriage void of sex. Unfortunately, the affairs were not the answer. When I ask my husband why he doesn’t want to have sex he just says that he has no desire. I love my husband very much but if I could turn back the clock I would cut my losses and get out. When you have children then it's harder to get out. I truly believe that if I stay, then I'm destined to stay in a marriage void of intimacy. I feel that sex is very important in a marriage and to think that he/she will change or I think I can live with this, is wishful thinking. I wish you the best of luck.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. As for an answer, my suggestion is heartless. Cut your losses. If you don't have children, just let him go. Of course you have to make the decision yourself. If you want to stay and adjust to your current lifestyle, then no problem. Otherwise, don't expect miracles.

I wish I had an easy answer, but the lack of emotion on his part sounds like a serious problem. Lack of sex is a big enough problem, but no emotion either? You have clearly done all that would be expected of anyone - suggest couples' therapy, attend therapy yourself, discuss the issues with him. If it were only sex and not your emotional relationship, I would say you could look elsewhere for sex. But it seems like he will not or cannot give you the emotional support you need. If he won't get help, then he apparently does not want to improve the situation...

I have asked him on numerous occasions to go to therapy. He said no. I go on my own once a week which helps me deal with some of the issues his lack of interest has created. As for turning up the heat, been there done that. I'm a very sexual person who's not afraid to express her feelings, desires, etc... I guess I should have added this in first posting; our relationship is completely void of any affection or emotion. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.