It's been sliding for years. It started out great, we had good sex often. Then as the years slid by the pace dropped. Not much, and it didn't bother either of us. Then my wife got sick, had a complete hysterectomy, and lost her sex drive. She still tried, for my sake, but her heart wasn't in it. For the last 5 years or so it's been maybe once a year, sometimes not at all.

I love my wife, but I'm no longer in love with her. She's my roommate now, my bed mate, but I'm not to touch her. She knows I'm unhappy, and like everyone else has said, she keeps claiming she's trying, but, like everyone else has seen, nothing comes of this.

Not posting for advice, just posting to get this off of my chest.

I'm debating moving into one of the guest rooms, maybe it will light a fire under her. I've toyed with the idea of moving to the guest room on my birthday... And if things don't change by my next birthday filing for divorce.

The kids are grown, and I'm not worried about losing the house. I can get an apartment. I just don't want to be alone, even if I am miserable married.

Thanks all
Leathlobhair Leathlobhair
41-45, M
12 Responses Aug 19, 2014

I had a complete hysterectomy the year before I got married. It was extremely difficult, horrid pain, terrible recovery, etc. Worst surgery I've ever been thru. But once I recovered & got my hormones balanced I was into sex as much as ever, maybe more. Unfortunately, it was short-lived. H turned off like a water faucet shortly after, leaving me lonely & rejected. And it was in fantastic shape, so I know it wasn't because I wasn't sexy enough.

While I can't imagine that would help her to light a fire, it might make you sleep better as you don't see her laying next to you and that reminds you that she is not fulfilling her role as a wife. I see others post this.

Yep. No rejection, less pain.

How long have you got?

What do you want to do with your life?

You may find the answers to those questions propel you to a different future rather rapidly. Be jealous of your time.

See a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Do that this week.
From that information, put together a rudimentary exit strategy, and then knock it into do-able shape.
By your birthday, you'll be prepared. You'll have a viable alternative in your pocket to staying in misery.
Whether you enact your exit strategy at that time will be entirely at your discretion, and that will likely hinge on what efforts your missus makes by then.
What she may do or not do is a matter over which you have no control whatsoever.
But your state of preparedness is a matter you have complete control over.
Tread your own path.

Moving into the guest room will probably have the opposite affect on your missus than what you presume.

If she aint willing to touch you now than your exit from the bedroom might be cause for a silent celebration for her.

Instead of waiting 2 years to file perhaps some legal advice on how a divorce will shape out for you and perhaps formulating an exit plan will be a good start.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I moved into the guest room about three months ago. My reasons were many but the goal was the same, to get her attention. This was not successful, as far as I can tell it made no impact on her at all.

My wife can be as stubborn as a mule, it's entirely possible that it is bothering her but she's put up a front to hide it rather then deal with the issues.

Just preparing you for one possible scenario.

I think you have an honest, clear, rational and objective understanding of your current situation and about what needs to be done to transition out of it. Your narrative suggests that you are not deluded, you know that the situation cannot be reversed and potentially you are no longer interested in your wife even if your love life would auto-magically fix itself. What is retarding your exit is the uncertainty of whether you will find another partner. After all, you are comfortable in your discomfort and you still have “something” in the form of companionship: indeed some cats say something is better than nothing.

I am not going to give you advice because you made it clear that you are not asking for any. I am just thinking out loud and reflecting on what I would do in your situation. I would probably a) take my time (you have no one chasing you) and survey the dating landscape. Understand what is available to me and how I could put myself in those environments that will allow me to meet new people and b) work on myself, make sure I am the best version of myself I can be. Be attractive, become the time of person who you want to attract.

It does sound like you have a sensible plan but just need a trigger: hope something will spring it into action for you soon.

"Not posting for advice, just posting to get this off of my chest. "

I hope it helped to get this off your chest.

"Not posting for advice, just posting to get this off of my chest."
If I had a nickel...
"She's my roommate now... she's trying... nothing comes of this."
"hysterectomy" - this is the key word to that paragraph. A very high percentage of women who do this wind up losing it... I've even met a couple who turned completely Butch afterward. A loving partner will still be a giving partner. This has been discussed here many times. With the hormones THIS far out of whack THIS permanently though, medical intervention (HRT) would be required. You forgot to say "she's not interested" or "the risk of side effects is too high." Which is usually why the Refuser won't accept that solution.
"I'm debating moving into one of the guest rooms, maybe it will light a fire under her."
She WILL adapt. Trust me. It may look like she felt the heat at first then it drops off as soon as your commitment is secure.
"And if things don't change by my next birthday filing for divorce."
Now you're talking about a solution. Plan for this to be the deal. Because the drama isn't going to impress her. I guarantee it.
"I just don't want to be alone, even if I am miserable married."
That feeling will turn around once you realize you're ALREADY alone. Then you will chant the SM mantra: my version was "I'd rather be lonely because I'm alone."
Please don't take offense that I'm dissecting. I wanted to clearly address these points, not actually rip your story apart.

No, you are absolutely right. I've slept on the couch or guest rooms in the past when those nights come up when I want nothing more than the love of my wife. At least in a different bed I'm not havering sex because I'm alone, not because she would refuse or push me away if I reached out for her.

Yeah, been there, done that. I live in exile on the couch. Not my choice. It doesn't ease the loneliness that you're not right next to her. Not in the long run. It's exacerbated by the fact that you're lonely... and yet, married.

Moving into a guest room will not light a fire under her, or even in her, but if you would like to have a separate room for some reason then do that. That is, don't do things just in some hope it might change her, do all the things that you want to do for you.

Separating rooms can be liberating.
You may visit each other and that could be fun BUT it sounds like for both of you the thrill is gone.

I read about other women who had a hysterectomy that the sex was better after and as to my experience, I had crazy sex with my MM 2 months post OP and it does feel better than ever.

I read some women experiencing wet dreams right shortly after surgery, which happened to me too. That is why I investigated.

I honestly blame the hysterectomy for our issues. This is a horrible procedure that if the option were for a man medical science would have 10 other options for other than castration.

Have you googled the scientific sites for hysterectomy?
The way I understand, you had once a year for 5 years before surgery?
I may have misread.
Hysterectomy is not like castration. It is major surgery but what complete hyst. can do is perhaps cause dryness for which there are lubricants.
What does she say could be the reason?

My husband tells me it is his age, but we haven't been intimate for the past 8 years and that's just not a good enough excuse.
Physically he is fine. He just doesn't get aroused by me. That is the fact I have come to accept.

No, pre hysterectomy we had a great sex life, it was after that things fell apart. that ws 10 years ago. over the last 5 years its gone from little to almost nothing (maybe yearly).

I have researched it (complete hyst), both the main medical sites, and the anti-hysterectomy sites, and I do understand the need for the procedure, but I also think that it is a 'go to' surgery for most female problems.

My wife spent a little over a year bleeding, she went to the doctor and the first thing brought up was hysterectomy. we listened to the doctor, read the materials and did it. that was years ago.

For several years she was on a HRT, she was to young to have gone into menopause. she's at an age now where she could be in menopause, and has gone through the fun of that. She's no longer on the HRT patches, and won't talk to her doctor about going back onto one.

When I try to talk to her she just tells me 'she's working on it'...well, not fast enough. I can be a patient man, Its not like I'm a sex fiend looking for 'action' nightly. I have what I would consider a normal sex drive. I'd love it once a week...would be good with bi-weekly....Hell, I'd be happy with monthly. But once a year, maybe, is just to long for me to put up with.

I know what I have to do, I know where this marriage is going to go, I'm just worried about hurting her (odd, since she hurts me every time she rejects me and it doesn't seem to bother her).

I suspect she was given progesterone patches. Not HRT. HRt is given to menopausal women and I, regardless how you feel, would never impose HRT onto her. It is not just cancer, latest findings are heart disease and heart attack.
I was one on one myself looking at the data for years.

Patch is OK.
I can't imagine a sexless woman.
Sometimes opting sexlessness can bring inner peace.
Neither hyst nor menopause unless she went through some assessments that prove, are no reasons for asexuality.

I usually go by my intuition and I think since she is not too keen on getting assessed, I suspect she knows the answer.

2 More Responses

Dude, you're WAY too young to be miserable. I can only hazard a guess that a total hysterectomy is not only physically invasive, but mentally and emotionally too. Maybe you can talk her into a full blood work to see of it's a chemical imbalance. It might be as simple as a few of the right supplements. If not,'ve got a few decisions you need to make.