I have a question.
while the question is open to all, I'm interested particularly in answers from those of us who are middle age and older and who have been in fairly long marriages. My question is this:

Realizing that sex is usually not the problem, but a symptom of other issues in a failing relationship, all other things being equal, how much sex is enough? Try and complete the statement, "If my husband/wife and I made love X times a week or month, I'd be satisfied. For the purposes of this question, don't answer with what you'd settle for. Answer with what would truly meet your real need for intimacy and affection as you see it."
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21 Responses Aug 19, 2014

Not thinking in terms of a number to it, but just to know that it is a shared desire and when the modd strikes so to speak can act upon it without fear of rejection.

Im not sure what your comment means.........

I guess the" inappropriately" got me a little confused, or maybe just a blonde mo ment on my part lol. Anyway......agreed, must be some quasi meeting of the great like minds in there. Nice to know my thoughts arent too out there. Imagine, feeling free to approach the one you love for intimacy without any hesitation.... sigh ( snarky quota met for the day)

I'll say none since the last time was so bad I don't want to go back.

A very well thought question. But, it is easier imagined than practical to say all other things being equal.
Infact, the important part consists of most other things which act as catalyst to sex. The intimacy, the openness, the will to act on your partner's desires followed by the maybe small but naughty gestures. they all carry their own weight in this process.
Greater the weight is, pleasurable and cherished will be the sexual experience.
In my opinion, the number of times you have sex will not be highly important if you have the aforesaid elements rightly working.
I think there should be a question asking how passionate a lovemaking session should be?

Thanks :)

A couple of times a week would be fine as long as there was some kind of intimate play every day.

This question is fascinating to me. I've been sitting here for ten solid minutes trying to answer this just for myself.
I cannot.
The reason I can't is because I've never had a lengthy drought. Certainly nothing like a sexless marriage and nothing that has seriously bothered me. I find it interesting that I can't answer.
I could guess, but only based on the amount of sex I am currently getting in my happy relationship at the moment.
Now I'm slightly worried that I should have a standard so I know when to be concerned if the sex dips below that bar.
A very thought provoking question. Thank you for asking it!

I came here to support a friend who was in a sexless marriage. Since sexless marriage are rarely really about the sex, I've found I am learning a lot about relationships and I enjoy learning, so I stay.


Some kind of PG to R rated touch every single day (that someone wasn't really sick or out of town or whatever). Really good, time consuming, sex once a week. Less time consuming sex at least once more per week. So twice a week minimum in a normal week. I don't require sex every single day, however I think I'd be happily willing to indulge a partner nearly every day in the course of normal, everyday, busy life - and sometimes every day. It's pretty easy to get me going.

You sound like me.

I was talking to Elkclan. Sorry --

Based on what I was happy with before - and on the amount of, um, self-service I now perform - I would like it 2 or 3 times a week.

But there are variables involved - I like some physical affection every single day, and I like that to be semi-sexual. Also, back in better times, if my man approached me when I wasn't in the mood, I would usually go along with it anyway - because he could get me in the mood.

Oh Kat!! You make my toes curl! 😊

Mine too....

2-3x pw, reliably. For me, I have to have quantity to get quality, I hate sporadic sex with a passion.

And I do mean lovemaking here, not getting my rocks off. In fact, I'd say that lovemaking was continual, sensuality and sexuality permeate my experience of life and has me wanting to express it in the casual touch, the caress, the sharing.

I think that's perhaps what's wrong with the (understandable) frequency obsession - it compartmentalises sex to a discrete event, job done - which is a very refuser way of looking at it. And the lowest-common-denominator what-would-you-put-up-with is also dismal: where is the joy, the exploration!

It's not just sex - I can buy that - it's the touches and hugs, the holding hands, the kiss for no reason other than "I love you".

If these are missing then sex is just easing a physical urge.

Been married 40 years but the wife has physical and psychological issues that mean intimacy just isn't on the radar and hasn't been for years. At least I know why, but it's still difficult.

4 times a week to be satisfied. I currently settle for twice a week

I've decided to leave my husband for many reasons, not just the sexless aspect of it. So no amount of sex would satisfy me enough, to stay with him. Quality over quantity matters a lot. That said, 4-5 times a week is what I would want in a relationship.

Yeah… no amount is good if you're not wanted. I want to be wanted… so intimacy in general is the key here. Then the amount would only be a product of the intimacy both people have for each other and not necessarily a number. Natural chemistry could be 2 times a week, 2 times a day, 2 times a month… wouldn't matter so much if you both wanted each other.

I've been in four longish term relationships.

In one we had sex about once per week, but it was always pull out all the stops swing from the chandelier type sex. Every time.

In another we had some sort of sexual activity every day. It wasn't always strictly a sex act, but there was something beyond R rated going on every day unless we were apart or someone had a pretty serious bug. Often more than one ;)

In my first marriage we had sex two to three times per week. Some weeks not at all, some weeks every day. But I'd say 2-3 times on average.

In all of those cases I felt content and sexually satisfied. I felt loved and desired.

Then there's my current relationship. For the first two years it was highly highly sexual. 3-4-5 times per day. I'd say our average was four times DAILY. I began to feel touched out. Oversexed. Exhausted emotionally and physically.

And now? Now it's been over a year since we had sex. For a long while 3-4 times per year was the norm.

Nothing about this relationship is sexually satisfying. Both extremes make me unhappy.

Now it is difficult for me to guess what would make me feel satisfied. I really think it would depend on the relationship. Right now I feel like I'd be happy to go back to some sexual contact every day. But maybe given time that would change

If I had to guess I'd say 3 times per week.

2 to 3 times a week, I wonder if I could maintain it after a year?

Disclaimer -
This is a rear view deal.
Preamble -
The sexual aspect in my ILIASM deal was not always one of no sex. Sometimes it was, for years on end, but there would be months interspersed with that when there was a lot of rooting, and good stuff too. Then it'd go back to nothing for years again.
A bit unusual by ILIASM standards.
So, I'll answer as follows -
"If my wife and I made love 3 times a week or 12 times a month, - - - - - - that would probably have been enough to have me believe that we actually had intimacy in our deal and I'd likely have been satisfied with that"
Tread your own path.

At a bare minimum, 2-3 times a month average would suit me well enough, although 2x week is closer to the mark.

Twice a week, but understand that I'm talking at least a three (3) hour session, each time!

3 times a week is what I want

3 to 4 times a month. At least I think so. We've been completely sexless for a long time.

At least 3 or 4 times a week

3 times a week. We currently average about twice a year, in a good year.