Depressed & Don't Know What to Do.

I am in such a terrible state at the moment. I have been with my husband for nearly 14 years & I don't know if I love him anymore.

I have 3 girls (10,8 & 5) who I adore, but I feel like I am just existing.

His parents are VERY controlling - they own everything (the house, cars, pay for our eldest to go to a private school etc).

I am depressed because I feel like we have never connected sexually & probably never will. I remember on our honeymoon even - he didn't want me then.

It is not even "making love" - it lasts for 5 mins & then he goes to sleep - leaving me very unsatisfied!!!

I think it has a lot to do with his parents & his upbringing (sex is "dirty" - haha).

I do have self esteem issues (probably as a result of being rejected time & time again - I have just given up). the only times he is in the "mood", it is when the kids are around!!!! Good excuse for him.

I have been really lonely & have slept with a couple of men (which I feel guily about, but can't have a relationship with either - one is married, the other one recently seperated).

I just want to be loved. What do I do????

I am also on anti depressants, seeing a theripst & have wanted to end my life quite a few times. (it's not the sex - it's feeling like a failure).

He won't admit he has a problem & never will. I am sooooo frustrated.



torijane torijane
36-40, F
10 Responses Mar 1, 2009

The problem of premature *********** is easily solved....<br />
I was that way... and the solution was simple...go for round two....don't stop after the first one....second round..lasts a long time...and allows both partners to enjoy. From a male point of view If I go too long between solo sessions...yes I do ********* quickly

Thankyou all for your kind words & advice. It really means a lot to know how much other's are feeling & going through & that I am not alone.<br />
<br />
Pusherseven - thankyou for your amazing insight. I have spoken to my GP, he suggested to give the marriage one last shot (3-6months with marriage councelling as well), & then I will know if I/we need to end the marriage. <br />
<br />
For the sake of my girls, as they are suffering too, & it's not fair on them when there is tension in the air all the time.<br />
<br />
Please keep in touch - I hope you are Ok?

You have landed in the next best place besides a therapist's chair. EP is where people honestly admit their pain and seek wellness.<br />
We all had a dream of how it should be and when it didn't materialize, we supplemented our marriages with pain killers, whether that is another lover, another drink, another shopping trip, another brownie, another good book to read ... all of them can be a bandaid, but we are not taking care of the real issue, the pain behind closed doors that nobody knows the depth of, but us.<br />
Unfortunately, your husband's family has control over him, from the house you live in, to the schools your children will attend... he has given that right to them, in lieu of the financial assistance. <br />
Do you have family and friends to help you or just talk to? You are surrounded by your husband's influences, from sex to money and you are naturally feeling a loss of self-esteem. <br />
You are so young, with a good life ahead of you ...<br />
It's easier said than done.... because I am going through my own purgatory after 40 years of a marriage that should have never been.<br />
Pushersven has given you good food for thought, as have the other commentators. <br />
Please come back often and read our past stories.. you are not alone...<br />
Blessings today and every day for you and your beautiful children.

Pushersven you have really covered it all in your post. I do wish people like you and torijane could find each other before you ended up with partners such as your's.<br />
<br />
Frankly neither of you sounds like you have anything in your marriages worth working for (except the children of course).<br />
<br />
I hope that each of you can find the strength to start again and I hope you both find partners that can bring you true happiness.<br />
<br />
Thinking of you both.

I know what you are going through. Being rejected is horrible. Treating sex as a quick act with no feelings behind the act is so empty.<br />
<br />
I knew something was wrong years ago when she told me to stop staring at her; I was wanting to stare into her eyes and she into mine; I was in love or so I thought, but she wasn't, I look back now to that day in our first year and I know she never was in love with me. She was in love with the act of marriage; the wedding, the rings, the reception, the attention, the setting up of a home, the nesting, the trying for a baby, the attention of having a baby...etc. It has never been about me or us or love. It's about emulating an experience like her friends, but it's empty and for all the wrong reasons.<br />
<br />
She sees sex as dirty too and refuses to talk about it or allow displays of affection outside the bedroom. She has never initiated an act of affection, be it a kiss on the neck, a rub of my ***...etc I have had to ask. She has always pushed away my similar actions to initiate displays of affection and set up the mood for something later in the day. She has even gotten violent in her pushing away; training me to only ask, which she rejects all but 10 times last year. I have given up! I'm tired of being the only one in this.<br />
<br />
I'm depressed too. I'm on antidepressants too. I hate that I ignored the red flags and pushed forward. I hate that she too stated clearly that she knew that we were not meant for each other, yet she went along for the ride for 14 years and had two kids by me; a boy 9 and a girl 6.<br />
<br />
I haven't strayed yet. But it is open to me at any time as I have a few women friends who would love to spend time with me. It's not the same as what I am hoping for (the deeper long term commitment and many similar likes), but just an afternoon where I am wanted would be nice.<br />
<br />
I have recently reached the mental place where I am willing to loose all my things to not be married to her. It is the equivalent of ending it all. I figure if I am that desperate, then why not put up with some more **** for a short while and end the marriage. At least then I can take what I've learned and find someone who meets my needs, desires, likes, and level of commitment and intimacy. I can go in again, but this time with a pre-nup and contract. For gosh sakes if the partner isn't willing to agree on paper, then what is he or she hiding; then he or she wasn't meant to be the one. And I will spell it ALL out<br />
.<br />
I told my wife I don't love her anymore and I don't see that ever happening again. I'm currently cohabiting with my wife in a "nice" fashion, but I am not saying "I love you", nor am I asking for any affection any more. From my side, the love is gone and she senses it.<br />
<br />
I am taking it slow. I'm sure she thinks it's just another of the many rough spots where she has rejected me too many times and I will get up again, and keep trying, and she will be at the helm again.<br />
It is going to be tough and rougher than before when she figures out that I am done and I want a divorce.<br />
But like I said, I am so depressed and willing to loose it all that this is just like that and later down the road, I can take what I have learned and find someone who really cares about reciprocal affection and love.<br />
<br />
I really wish you the best. I know it is a hard place when your partner doesn’t appreciate the seriousness of your feelings and places you last. Some days you are stronger than others. Workout if you can, you will sleep better and handle the stress better, it will help if you plan on going down a similar path like mine. Either way being healthy and well rested is important; it’s a battle on your emotions you are facing.

sounds like my husband!!!! That's why I have strayed - looking for something else - haha

They're the worst kind, mommy's boys. They can do no wrong in their mommy's eyes so they put on a false front when they're around family. <br />
<br />
My friend's husband is like that. A ************ fool behind closed doors. A loveless failure of a man, premature ejaculator, selfish, selfish.

OMG - thankyou both.<br />
I know & it is just the feeling of worthlessness that makes you feel like you need to cry out for help.<br />
Why don't they get it???<br />
I have tried to talk to Nick (about EVERYTHING), & he just can't deal with anything.<br />
He's is a Mummy's boy who can do no wrong.<br />
I just want a different life - as I guess we all do!!! (or we wouldn't be on here!!).

Just once, I wish our spouses would at least acknowledge the pain they're causing by withholding affection, sex. Does he know the shape you're in? Does he even care? More importantly, how are the girls reacting? What a terrible example the two of you are setting, right?<br />
<br />
I have a friend whose husband ignored her for five years. She was depressed, drank, lied about so many things, lost friends and the trust of her three girls. Her husband acts as if nothing happened, a big shot at Ford who sacrificed his family and wife for a paycheck. Pathetic, pathetic.<br />
<br />
We've all heard the excuses, their ubringing, the kids are around, wanting only five minutes of sex. That's all they are, just excuses. I used to think our selfish spouses didn't know that they're making our lives so miserable but they know and many of them don't have the guts to deal with it.<br />
<br />
I wish you well, especially your time with your therapist. Therapists help us realize that it's not just our imagination. Some people just don't care about our feelings, our needs. We just never thought the indifference would come from inside our own homes.

Love yourself torijane. I know it's hard and many here are all looking for solutions similiar to your problem. I am trying myself work though a sexless marriage. I know that talking may help, I shut my husband out so many times and refused so many chances of help. I wish I could say what has me working on changing me will work for others like me but I can't.