Hb says I dont need to move out to work on our problems... We could solve them "in house".:). Fact is we have not had sex in the past year. He says he is trying really hard... I know he loves me but I feel this is not right. I have found an apartment. I have to decide by Thursday morning if take it. Was anyone separated and got back together and their relationship got better? (Given that was the goal of the separation, not "making your baby steps towards divorce"?). Dont be too harsh on me - I have major PMS:) thank you for all your input you may have.

Let me add some clarification to the separation.This does not intend to be a legal separation, lets call it "moving away to not live in the same house and be in the routine which we find very hard to break". Ideally it would be a max 3-4 months. Goal is to break the routine, to get out, to discover each other again, and when we spend time together it should be fun, not related to the daily routine and grind. (we do work together a bit, so private and business life gets mixed a LOT. And since HB's business is growing extremely, it is 80% about the business.). I'll add more info in a bit.
Whywhenwho Whywhenwho
36-40, F
13 Responses Aug 20, 2014

I'm a fan of using separation as a motivator for change. THat being said, I don't believe that people usually change. Most people don't want to change and change won't happen unless they want to. It may help in your situation, or it may not, it really just depends on him. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, it sucks.

I do think we both need some "alone time", in some ways we both take each other granted... I too believe that weather changes, people don't. But having said that, if there is a true motivation and inner belief to change, it is possible. Our marriage did not start like this... This is the hope that once it was "normal".
I signed a lease. Moving tomorrow or Saturday. He is being very fair and as much as one who does not want this, supportive.
I know he is hurt, I know he did not think that I really would do this.

I can understand your desire to refer to this separation as temporary to fix things, however if he knows this and is not threatened by it or perceives no real risk, I fear your results will be limited. He needs to think this is the real deal for his behavior to change

I seperated for year at first she was embarrassed at what her friends would think then the luring back on started sex was offered they learned the folly of their ways. 2 months after I moved back in guess what !!!

I learned when my refuser spent summers working in another country that I was happier without him. I was happier going to events and seeing friends by myself instead of with him. I learned that I was lonelier living with him than without him. I also realized how much energy his presence drained from me, and how our lack of intimacy included emotional as well as physical intimacy.

I saw that I had more personal conversations with virtual strangers than with my husband.

Very useful to share this... maybe this is exactly what I am "afraid of".... which I know on the long run better sooner than later and will be beneficial if this is what is to be discovered.

It's probably what he's afraid of, too, that because he refuses to become sexually (and also probably emotionally) intimate with you, you would be happier living without him than you are living with him.

Since this doesn't bother him enough to take the steps to become intimate with you, he is not likely to change. You can either continue to stay in a stifling environment or you can test the waters by living alone for a while. What is at risk is your learning that you are living now in a prison. Once you learn that, it would be hard for you to chose to stay married to a person who is a drain, not an enhancement to your life.

@Mettamomma I'm really liking your advice to @whywhenwho. I have been in an emotional less and sexless marriage for the past two years. He never wanted to try to fix our marriage. He's very selfish, cheated (even tried my with own sister) financially irresponsible. We literally had seperate lives, didn't speak to each other and didn't do anything together. We went out with friends separately, I have never been anywhere with him and his friends, I've never even met some of them. I just moved out on June 20th. I love it, it is such a relief to be away from him. His own father said to me, when I told him I'm moving out..."I can't stick up for my son, because he doesn't want to change"! Anyway the MAJOR problem is that we have an 8 year old son he is so heartbroken and so mad at me because I moved out. I feel so quilty. I feel like my sons happiness should come before mine. I feel like I need to fake it with my ex, just so my son won't be hurting

No, laden, you should not stay with a person who cheated and was financially irresponsible. That is not the kind of example to give your son. However, you should do your best to co-parent supportively with your ex.

1 More Response

Take the apartment. Don't wait, call today to tell them you want it. Staying in the house has NOT fixed your problems thus far has it? Getting some personal space to breathe and think clearly without your spouse confusing you is exactly what you need.

If you want to see what your life will be like if you keep living with him read your back stories. Don't let your past become your future.

My wife and I separated briefly (about 6 months) a few years ago. In the end, it did give each of us some space, but it didn't really accomplish much because neither of us really had a purpose in mind for what the separation was supposed to accomplish. It was just a quick decision because we had to get out of each other's way for a while. In the end we moved back together because of financial and other logistical issues.

So regardless of whether you physically live apart, I would suggest you decide what your goals are, make sure your husband is aware of what you want and need and what the ultimate consequences will be if those goals are not met.

Just separating to see if distance will help the two of you grow closer will probably not work if each of you does not have a plan beforehand.

If you could solve the problems "in house", they would be solved already. If he planned to change, he would have changed.

He is happy with the current situation, and is doing everything he can to keep the marriage as it is, including having you living with him.

Separation can help you clarify your thinking because you'd have the opportunity to focus only on yourself. I suggest that as part of the separation, you get into individual therapy and also pursue activities and platonic friendships independent of your husband. Get to know yourself again. That's important.

Best of luck to you

Thank you:)

If you separate, then separation has some chance (not much, but some) of your deal improving. It will give you a chance to think clearly without the daily doses of toxins you get in your deal.
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If you try this faux separation, you are still going to get your daily dose of toxins, and that ain't going to help you think clearly and objectively at all.
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I hope Sister Zsusziliwonger will weigh in on this one, because she went through a faux separation and she can tell you how that went. (not well)
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Tread your own path
PS - look up Sister Z's stories. Her faux separation was about 3 years back I reckon.

baz, I think what you are referring to was when my ex & I legally separated but stayed in different floors of the same house. I think this person is trying the opposite - no legal separation, but moving to another location. FWIW, I think she should move to clear her head.

Yes, you are correct.

It might sound crazy but try meeting other people together to be intimate near. It kick starts your fantasies and helps open discussion without cheating. make some rules. Share some sexual adventures and fantasies together. What you have to lose?

We dont talk about sexual fantasies anymore... Not at this stage, this is really out of question for him.

Sorry you are hurting.

Yeah, it sounds pretty crazy.

Have you seen a therapist? Is he perhaps gay - no joke!

Yes we have tried... No not gay:)

He may be gay and very much in the closet. It's possible he doesn't even know he's gay. He also may be asexual. The reasons don't matter, however, because the bottom line is that he is sexually averse to you. You can't change him. You can create a more fulfilling life for yourself.

I believe that it's better to live alone by myself than to be alone while living with a spouse.

He's trying really hard? How is he trying? Is he giving you intimate affection up to and including intercourse? How long has it been since you've told him you have a problem with the lack of sex in your marriage? If it's longer than say...since yesterday...(which I'm guessing it is, given you've looked at flats) - then what excuse does he have for not doing it?

Lot of excuses.... Some valid some not... It ha been going on for too long though to not have any progress. I have given up asking for it, to take that negativity out of the issue. No improvement.

Then it's clearly not being fixed at home. Moving out couldn't make the intimacy any worse could it?

Very good point.