I believe some people marry to stop from being alone not caring if the make another person lonely.
I have been married going on 12 years and my wife slowly started losing all sexual appetite in the first year. She lacks the same desire level. This woman can go weeks and not bat an eye but when she gets the urgend to get the monkey off her back it's the only time she's interested. Then it's only one round she gets hers and goes to sleep. I have tried offering massages, romantic dinners, suggesting lingerie but I am met with nothing but resistance. However she will get jealous if she thinks someone is after me, but I believe it's more shexpensive would be afraid of what outsiders would think if I tipped out on her. She uses sleep to medicate her self, or to reduce me coming on to her, wide awake when I get in bed with her snoring within two minutes if me laying down. When intercourse does occur she is mannequin like, avoiding kisses like an attack victim, no forplay is allowed on her but she may touch me. It's a clinical act. This leaves me unsatisfied and unfulfilled. As soon as we are done it's off to snoring and another 2 to 3 week wait. We have been to counseling but she lies or states if I had more help around the house I could be more attentive. So we go round and round until the next visit when the questions are going to reveal things about her the she won't return. My marriage is a merry-go-round and I want off
distant7322 distant7322
51-55, M
13 Responses Aug 20, 2014

Ok I've read all the responses, and I appreciate them greatly. However is the anyone that actually had a refuser to change and stay that way ? Any remedies that I have not considered ?

You've exhausted everything it's time to outsource starting today.

How do you feel about that?

Share please

Does she refer to you as "Wallet"?

No, I'm being used for companionship and a background noise. You know a barking dog soundtrack.

I suppose that's better than if she is just in it for the money?

Now that I have quit chasing and begging my rejector has taken offense. I am now accused of being unattached. Wow this is also followed by the typical let's examine our marriage conversation of course this comes 5 min before I have to go to work. These people thrive on unresolved conversations or arguments, I don't know about anyone else but the patterns become so evident you can predict the outcome. Which enables us to avoid rejection and disappointment. e.g. we will go out to dinner the first hint is how tired they are or do I have to get dressed up, 2nd at the meal how long a day they had (no mention of plans for you and them tonight) 3rd the quiet ride home mine usually on their iPhone.4th enter the house let you get settled they dissappear, you hear the shower and nothing else good night. 5th Next morning apology "I'm sorry I passed out last night I was just so full and tired" Can anyone dispute or relate ?

Yes, that is the way refusers are. More important, however, is what the refused decide to act in response to living in a celibate marriage. Do you plan to take any steps to leave a situation that you find to be toxic or is your plan to stay, but to disengage from seeking affection or sex from your refuser?

Sometimes sick as it may sound, I like the challenge of seeing what else can they do. I do have plans to relieve the problem just bidding my time. I know it's stubborn sounding but I have dealt with this nonsense for so long that a few months won't kill me. Besides the psychotic part of me kind of enjoys them thinking they are in control and I get to snatched it away. #imjustsaying

You might want to figure out why you're so masochistic as to somehow get pleasure out of staying with a woman who treats you like crap. You say you enjoy the challenge, but most people enjoy being loved, not treated like dirt.

You can support her with the kids. Don't need to be under same roof.
Sounds to me you don't have the courage to move on.
I divorced with a child and my daughter is a successful young lady today. I don't understand why she should know that I am still with her dad. My daughter and her father's relation are a separate entity.

Would you want your parents still together today?

My experience is the careful orchestrated planning. If she's that distance it's her and her ability to be turned on. Some of us woman lose ourselves.
It wasn't until my eyes opened after my husband cheated. We're divorced now and I now think sex was the thing my marriage missed. If there's any salvaging. Try it. Sex at our age can be, if the two individuals are into each other, flippin amazing. The attention paid to the planning is so important. To set the tone of what's to come.

I am the planner, I am a hopeless romantic married to a romantic hopeless. e.g. I learned how to massage she won't allow me to touch her, I am an accomplished cook all my food is mediocre to her, try to say nice things to her response is "YEAH Right" . I plan dinner find somewhere for our child to go,she's tired or non compliant. Lingerie I buy it for her she either won't wear it or if she wears it she gets straight into bed I can't see it. Or combines it with something outlandish Victoria secret gown with white socks " My feet get cold" I can go on and on anything that may get intimate is dashed quick !

I've been told if you don't get it at home then the neglected partner will look elsewhere. If only for the physical attention.
It took losing my husband to The OW that I opened my eyes.
Stepping out of a partnership can open Pandora's box. Finding a participant can be tricky. That's what prostitutes are for. No attachment no commitment.
Proceed with caution and don't listen to everyone giving advice. It's not attractive to beg or be easy.
Good luck.

Are you a reformed refuser?

Yes I am. I have to be honest.

Boredom and lack of confidence.

Next time she does that ask her to make a marriage counselor appointment. Maybe the counselor will be hot?

I have had female premarital counselor she only lies, Church Pastor she lies to, nailing jello to the wall

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Text book story for this group.
Stay and be miserable (maybe with a cheating variant)
There are your two options.
Choose wisely.
Tread your own path.

Is it just me or is it hard to get a real kiss from these people ? I am pecked to death

It beats on your self esteem and makes you feel self conscious.

So you failed to crack out the scented candles, and help around the house?

You dont really believe that doing that crap will enhance your chances of more sex.

Instead why dont you focus on what you are going to constructively do to better your standard of living, and maybe make some choices that make you happy for a change.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

yea mine only wanted some one around so he would not be alone!

why don't they get a pet instead stupid jerks

I was going to do that to my ex. He cheated on me and our marriage went down from there. I still was loyal. I knew.. but it killed me.. I kept quiet about it.
Anyway, the only way to survive and stay in marriage was to have another offspring. I thought.. the love I have in me, I can give to the newborn.

It never got thus far lol

maybe 4-5 years later, I just walked out of it.

Because pets are smarter than humans they know when to run away !! LOL

lol distant

Your wife may love you as an ATM, a companion to go out with, a handyman, a person that her friends will be impressed by, and/or someone to watch TV with, but she doesn't love you like a husband.

She is doing everything possible to let you know that she isn't interested in having sex with you, and has no plans to change.

You can not change her. You can change how you react to her. You can change your life. This could include setting yourself completely free so you would be available to find a woman who'd love you the way you want.

If you are having a hard time leaving the miserable marriage you're in, individual therapy may help. However, the longer you stay with your wife, the greater the chance that your own illness or death will permanently rob you of the option of leaving.


I married satan! I won the ******* satan lotto.

I need to workout a lot more now!

That's sad, distant.

I don't even like to start with... have you investigated why she is not into sex such as past abuse, etc.?

But I won't, because sometimes regardless of what the other person's past experience is, and I agree fully with you that people can be selfish as to dragging in a person into their life, with the selfish motive, that it is ok for your companion to adjust him/herself to your condition.

Let's say, she'd come up telling you that she does have a problem in that area, would you have wanted to marry her?

It depends on what we are talking about here and her desire to work on her issues. This is the same criteria I am using to evaluate my situation today.

Who cares anymore. The reason does not matter

I will agree with you that the reason does not matter anymore.

It is now up to us of what we want to do about it and even if we decide for one way, that does not bind us to continue that way. Let's say, giving another chance.

HOWEVER, the risk with that is that we continue getting dragged back into a place we should have gotten out of long time ago. As long as we stay, we stay stuck.

So - you agree that staying is de facto failure?

Staying is the facto failure.

I believe we do not get here overnight.

I probably would have tried to get the help that need , but no marriage would be off the table. I am a passionate, cuddler who enjoys intimacy on all levels it defines my being in a lot of ways. Maybe I'm the emotional cripple LOL

If she wasn't the total opposite I could understand, I got ducked in because it was a first pregnancy, then we were living together and she didn't feel right. That and the fact that I loved her I married hoping that her spiritual side would level out and the hormonal side would subside. WRONG

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So she wants sexual release from you, but does not want to make love to you? Kinda selfish, that would make me real angry.
I guess I would rather not have it at all than know it is one sided.



You're very observant. I agree that many of us are stuck with partners who wanted us but not as lovers. Around here that's often referred to as Bait-And-Switch. They use intimacy to secure a commitment, then drop the facade once the ring's in place.
Offering romantic tokens and so on is called The Scented Candle Strategy.
The deadweight sex is called Starfishing.
The lies and invalidating of grievances and so on I like to call The Wall of Denial.
When you stop initiating, maybe even planning to turn down the next offer - that's the beginning of counter-refusing.
She is a standard Refuser.
You've covered a lot of territory already, so what's your current objective?

My current objective is to end this BS.

She just wanted a life vs me. I ******* get it now so stop playing me ok!!!!

I was as angry as you, but when my anger didn't get me out as fast as I had started up, I found myself in a not-so-nice place, by seeking outside attention.
I hope you do not take that route and can keep your mission straight forward.

I don't know which way is straight right now

straight meaning.. straight to the paper stuff. That paper is the binding one.

If it is up to you, you can do whatever you want. But I gather you want to get your life back in a traditional sense, like being legally not bound to your vows.


looks like you are not the most pleasant communicative type.

Happy not to be your wife in the same 4 walls, Jacques!

**** off!!!

She has to divorce me!

Why don't you divorce her? Are you chicken?

I will not do the dirty work on top of taking this ******* BS from her.

She will regret this!!!

You seem very angry. That's good, anger is the appropriate response when you're being abused. It helps protect your self-esteem. Now, use that energy properly: decide on what the consequences are going to be that will ensure the regret you seek. Mine's a psychopath, so regret isn't on the menu, haha. Consequences though... yes.
Make a rational decision, then cool your jets and come up with a workable plan. When you execute that plan, be totally clinical about it. If you show as much passion when you do that as you are right now you will screw it up.

Next step is taking away the veto,making her have to deal with my emotions, I know that sounds weak but I grew tired of the single existence I got married for emotional and spiritual support. I'm divorced once already and not looking to go through that again, however I am making my stand and making her talk about the problem. If you notice women want to make you feel guilty for your needs and they succeed because we try to be genuine. Don't fall for it anymore question everything, give them the same treatment they give you and note the response.

Hm. Replace the word "women" with "abusive people" and you've got a winning post there.
You're getting into the counter-refusal stage. You'll find in time, if that strategy works at all it won't for long. After that comes "reset sex."

'Reset Sex' is also known (to me) as Bait & Switch, The Sequel.

You are right "abusive people is better

VerticalMan... you crack me!
I know your points are pretty dark by nature, but I like your headings that bring humour to a captive life.

I wonder what you call the one's who get help from the outside to counter attack those strategies ;))

You can be as impolite as you wish. I am curious of your terminology.

Oh, do you mean outsourcing, therapy, or the Refuser using shame to keep you stuck?
The interesting thing about that last guess is: a while ago braverthanithink posted a link to a blog describing standard tactics used by an abusive partner while the abused partner is breaking away. Apparently it's standard operating procedure for the abuser to try to turn your supporters against you. The countermove is to prepare them for him/her to try.

Thank you, Vertical.

I hope I find that link because today my husband was arguing with me that no matter what, people in Sexless Marriage SHOULD stay married, because the the outside world, when one has an affair and the affair partner has sex, his needs will be met and the person who meets them (me!) will be easily disposed.

That's the scare he is exuding me with now. He was a late bachelor himself who used to date and multi ladies at a time sometimes.

I guess I got my dead end of the stick.

I just found out the blogger moved websites around and the original is deadlinked. I did locate the original article on the new website without any trouble, here's that link: http://www.hurtbylove.com/leaving-an-abuser-what-to-expect-and-how-to-stay-grounded/
I'm trying to figure out the logic of your husband's argument... it seems he's saying if you get jiggy with a married man he's just using you. Well, duhh. I've said "infidelity is a game that has no winner." This scenario is just one of the ways my statement comes true... and if you're going to play, I'm sure you have enough presence-of-mind to understand that.
The problem is, I'm not sure how that leads to his conclusion. I must be reading it wrong.

:: running to Vertical and giving big hug :: :) Thank you!

H just says that regardless SM, couples should stay, because no one else will want you other than a one-night stand or sex object.

He says, he has experience...meaning.. he was with women (married no acception) and once they laid it out, he lost interest. Same can happen to me.

All couples should stay together for that reason :P
He like his comfort...

Will check the link. Thank you so much for looking for it... thank you :))

Haha hugs back, you're welcome.
He's right to a degree, there are a lot of immature men out there in particular. Users like that though? Bologna. Most of 'em are the beer, football, no laundry asswipes. Look around the group. Pretty much every male here in ILIASM would kill for the chance to keep the fire burning. That'll show you how right hubs is... Not.


Oh.... Right. Among those of us who aren't already DONE. LOL

Nah.. I am done. Hubs just doesn't get it. When I explain to him, he gets angry and lately locks himself up in his room.
We can't even talk anymore. It doesn't go beyond one sentence.

true.. Yoko moved on but the world didn't let them because John didn't want to move on... although he was the instigator of their falling apart.
Like Elvis... and then later they regretted for their disconnect:
"Didn't mean to hurt you..." or "Always on my mind".

"I'm Moving On" was actually a counterpoint to "I'm Losing You," which was inspired by the lost weekend but when they wrote and recorded both in 1980 it was all ancient history (5 years prior) and they were just playing around with lyrics.
I was really just rolling around the concept of Being Done... and that song popped into my head and I thought you'd like it.

Don't buy the garbage he's selling, it's an attempt to make you scared to go. You are already alone mentally, and emotionally separating the physical won't be tough. Abusive people depend on wearing you down and using you for a mat.

I think that's the type of marriage I was in. My SBTX told me he wanted a good, quality woman which is why he chose me. What he didn't tell me is that while he supposedly liked having me around as a companion, he abhorred having relations with me. He was perfectly happy while I suffered a slow, painful death of my feelings in this relationship. I feel as if I was mislead on so many levels, it isn't even funny.

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Yes, some people marry so as not to be alone. Some people also stay married because they prefer the known discomfort of their marriage to the unknown experience of living alone.

When I realized that I would prefer to be single and alone than to continue my lonely 34-year marriage, that's when I divorced. I have never regretted it. To me, nothing is lonelier than being alone with someone who is supposed to love you, but isn't intimate with you.


You just solved my riddle. I now know what my wife is doing. She doesn't want to be alone but, she isn't in love with me!!!

I was blind. Thank you.

Individual counseling is what helped me become more in touch with and respectful of my own needs and desires, and that helped me learn to be happy independent of my husband. I got involved on my own with activities that interested me, and I made strong friendships with people I liked. After a while, my refuser -- who spent most of his time at home nodding in front of the TV set until he'd shuffle off to bed around 3 a.m. -- became superfluous to me.

I had a fulfilling life and had friends who appreciated me and cared about me.

As a result, I no longer based my happiness on my refuser. He had become superfluous to me, and I divorced him with no regret. I deserve better than to live with someone who only regards me as a comfortable convenience.

Good for you!

I do not tick that way. Life is too short now.

Either you are in or you are out! Once I move on, I move on for good!

Sick of BS

This train of thought is the 'You're Not My Problem Any More' avenue. Walk away, not looking back. No more problem.

Old book Paradise Lost the devil shook his fist at God and said "I'd rather rule in hell than serve in heaven" that's there situation making themselves happy over your dead body suits them well

I have a saying " She may love me but I don't think she likes me"

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Who knows but, I cannot play game any longer.