I've been married for 14 years. I've left twice and come back. The most recent time, I was hoping it would bring some sense to my husband to wake up, and make some changes. When I moved back in, I found out he was sleeping around with several women while I was gone- and I required him to get tested if he ever thought he would be touching me again. Here we are coming up on a year since I moved back and he still hasn't been tested and we still haven't had sex. Why can't I just walk away from it all?

Go easy on me!
S36curious S36curious
36-40, F
11 Responses Aug 20, 2014

I know how you feel, I am in a similar situation and can't bring myself to walk away and I don't know why. I KNOW I could find someone else who would be more compatible and with whom I could actually be happy, but I feel trapped.

It's such a crappy feeling!

so he gets drunk and yells at you too? now that is abusive. you should
throw in the towel because your deal is toast. as for why can't you walk away? that is because you still have hope that he would miraculously wake up one day a changed man and everything will return to how they once were before. that's probably not gonna happen. too much resentment and animosity at this point already piled up. you should make your exit now and save yourself from the misery.

In my time here, I have never seen a story from a person who left their ILIASM shithole and now wish they were back in it. Not even one such story.
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OTOH, there are quite a few stories from people who left their ILIASM shitholes, then went back, and wish they hadn't.
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You obviously have the wherewithall to leave, having done it twice before, but not the skills and mindset to "stay gone".
Maybe some individual counselling could help you there.
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Tread your own path.

I'm not following you bazzar, but I happened to read this lady's post. What I like to hang on, on your reply, is the term 'shithole'.

Well.....they say the third time is a charm! Might be time to leave for good! 😉

Can't say that I blame you...you don't know WHO
he has been sleeping with..

We can speculate, but nobody here knows why you keep going back to a man who is treating you so coldly. You are the only person who would be able to know, but you probably don't even know yourself why you're choosing to have such a disappointing life.

Individual therapy or participation in a self help group like Codependents Anonymous, which is free and on-line as well as in real life, might help you as might reading some books about codependency and dysfunctional relationships.

You can not change your husband. You can, however, change your life.

Thank you - I may just do that!

I know how you feel. Its like some invisible barrier controlling you

My heart goes out to you. Must be very difficult. You must feel pulled in all directions in life. More so if he cheated with other women & still won't have sex with you. Sometimes the change scares us and it's easier to stay where we are in life rather than change them. I wish you luck x

Haha! Sounds like you think we'll take you for a Refuser. No way.
Here's my opinion:
When you came back, he took that for YOU coming back to YOUR senses and considered the matter closed. That's why the strategy failed.
So he slept around while you were gone - either he assumed it was all over, or you couldn't touch him morally since The Cat Was Away at the time.
Your response was more than reasonable. If it were me I would have turned right back around and left, never to be seen again.
His passive-aggressive reaction IS your answer.
I seldom give this advice, but:
Dump this bag of ****, immediately.

The best part is when he gets drunk he yells at me because I won't have sex with him and then when I say, that I told him my terms - he replies: you wouldn't have sex with me anyway.....!
Honestly after all this - I'm pretty sure he may be right!

I've been in the same position as you. It took me a while to figure out that the "Refuser" we talk about here in this group is an entirely different character. My wife wound up with a latent OCD tendency turn acute, and she was no longer able to hide her psychopathy - which was my core issue. I did the best I could to support her, not realizing just how bad it was - and eventually as she felt better and more in control of her fear impulses, the relationship didn't heal along with it. Once that became clear I announced that there can be no intimacy until human rights are restored. I'm not going to live out the rest of my life, coming home every day wondering what horrible crime I'm going to be guilty of, which is usually the felony-level stuff like missing one little crumb when I wiped of several square yards of countertop, or forgot to clean the litterbox one day, stuff like that. And then be expected to find the person treating me that way every minute we're together... somehow attractive. Nope, not gonna happen.
The standoff lasted for years. Eventually I caved in, and she flipped the entire relationship upside-down and became a textboox Refuser, just like everyone else's here.
My bad. Lesson learned? If things are bad enough that you don't want to have sex with your partner anymore, it's time to go.
I hope sharing this with you helped. :)

Why doesn't he leave either? What is holding you two together, convenience? Could he be sleeping around still?

Idk why he stays. I don't even know if he's still sleeping around, I haven't decided if I even care any more.

I have never told him I won't have sex with him - I said he needs to get tested before I will, I said to this forum that I don't know if I even want to, but I guess that's one way to look at this.... It's my fault.

Ugh. I hear where you're coming from. I'm in the same boat....so lame.