Great Woman and No Sex

I am married to a very nice woman who is a good friend and mother to my son who is 11 months old.  I love her, but realize I am not pasionately in love with her, however she also has many other qualities that I desire in someone I want to spend my life with.  I have been married for 7 years and with this woman for almost 15 years as we met in college.  I have dated others before we were married.  We do no really have sex that much ,,,( maybe once every 3 months if that).  I have also noticed that if I do nothing many months can go by and sex does not happen.  When we do have sex its just so passionless.  I am the type to work hard/play hard.  I go to the gym regulalrly and she does not go at all.  I am very social and enjoy travel, cooking, wine bars, and new restaurants.  She is not into going out to wine bars.  We are both very well educated (all IVY undergrad and grad), however while this looks good on paper it absolutely sucks in reality. 

I try to remain physically fit and attractive for myself image as much for our relationship.  I am trying so hard to stay with her because all the other qualities for working togather in a marriage are there, but the main qualities that bring people together are just non-existent.  I have been tempted many times by other women who were not nearly as attractive but more passionate, however other qualities were not there and I do not believe in leaving one relationship to jump into another.  The only thing keeping me here now is my son.  I am just curious as I often ask her are you sure you are ok with us being married as it does not work for me.  I am just numb it is so boring.  I do not want to leave her and my son, but at this point it just feels like my whole life is work and working out and that is where the "fun" ends.  

 

So beyond the no sex life there is also just no fun life here.  I am not one these men who is just looking for sex on the side etc...but I honestly do not understand being married with no sex life at all and also no means of getting one as that means cheating.  This is rediculous!

amphoteriques amphoteriques
31-35, M
3 Responses Mar 2, 2009

"but I honestly do not understand being married with no sex life at all and also no means of getting one as that means cheating."<br />
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This to me..is exactly where no sex becomes a HUGE problem. Yes sex creates intimacy, but as said in other posts..there ARE ways to create intimacy in relationships without having sex. So that..can be fixed. Feeling unloved..undesired..unappreciated..can eat at a person's self confidence and their happiness. But that of course..with enough work, therapy or love could possibly fix that as well. But what really does the sexless marriages in is..that the person who has the sexual urges not being met..will at SOME point..either be miserable, tempted to cheat..or will in fact cheat! I am someone who has like ZERO acceptance for the actual ACT of cheating because of the deciet and hurt involved. But this is when I can honestly understand WHY people have begun to cheat. <br />
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So many people on here post..how much they LOVE, desire, are best friends with the people they are married to!! A great many of them also say how lonely they feel..undesirable..altogether ignored. I hear them say they try to communicate with their spouses..that they look for ways to make changes..to fix what they are feeling is BROKEN with themselves. And that these people are being brushed off, made to feel guilty, threatened, made miserable..for even wanting something that SHOULD be a vital part of their marriage!! I cannot believe the selfish and hurtful things that both men and women connected with the posters have done/said. <br />
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When you are in any time of exclusive relationship..whether it be engaged, living together or married..you have certain responsiblities. Whether it be..always doing things as a team. Being honest. Not doing things that hurt/upset your partner if you can avoid it. These vary in every relationship really. <br />
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S.ex though..is an animal instict..it's in our very nature to have it.. to reproduce at the very least. And some people just have higher or lower s.ex drives then others. Which is NOT the end of the relationship necessarily..but can contribute just as much as any other list of reasons for not having s.ex. That being said..I have absolutely had nights or days during my marriage that I have had NO desire to have sex..for various reasons..so I DO understand..simply not being in the mood/wanting to do it. BUT I also understand that being PART of an exclusive relationship/marriage is only having sex with each other. That is the issue..if you are NOT giving sex to your partner..for months, years, hell a decade at a time..how do you HONESTLY expect them to remain faithful?? All over the world..people who have good sex lives...good relationships in general cheat on their spouses for pure selfish pleasure..wanting variety..drama..all kinds of reasons. Cheating for no reason at all but other than to do it. So if these people's relationships were lacking NOTHING at the time they stepped out...doesn't it stand to reason that even the most faithful husbands/wives would be tempted after SO much has been lacking in their relationships?<br />
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You may love your spouse, agree with your spouse on everything other than sex, share children, enjoy other parts of your life. But if your sex life is in non existant, one sided or even unfulfilling..you are bound to run into trouble at some point. And when that happens you only have yourself to blame for what comes next. <br />
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I love my husband to death. I love our kids..our family. I respect him, he is my best friend. I also have zero respect for people who do in fact cheat. But I must say honestly..that if my husband was being TOLD that I needed more sexually..if he was refusing to change..or see a problem..then I would not just be able to quietly live beside him ignoring my own desires or needs. So I believe one of three things would happen..I would either leave if possible (i.e. financial, children), tell him my needs were not being met and suggest finding someone else to meet them..or simply be tempted so badly one day by someone/something that I end up becoming everything I despise..a cheater. Which is the issue here. I don't believe I could honestly EVER conspire or consciously decide to cheat even. But I do believe whole-heartedly that sexual preferences, urges and fetishes are not always controllable in certain situations. Someone ,for example, who has not had sex with their partner for 3 years..vs. someone who has had a satisfied sex life with their spouse...when in a situation where temptation is presented would have a WHOLE less willpower, love for their partner and most likely a WHOLE lot less concern for their PARTNER's feelings/needs. Which makes sense really when you think about it considering for who knows HOW long the same partner who is being cheated on..was told that they were NOT being sexual enough or satisfying the person who they MARRIED..claim to LOVE. Being selfish usually gets selfish behaviour right back!!! If you didn't care about your partner's requests for sex..and denied him/her. How can you believe that he/she should stay with you..be happy with you..stay faithful to you..when you could care LESS if he/she has NEEDS or feelings. Relationships are a 2 way street..and when they become a 1 way street..things get stressful..toxic and resentful. <br />
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Please..don't live this way. Don't stiffle what you want or need in your marriage. Don't fool yourself and fall for the "I will change". Don't cheat..that is just making yourself into something you have no desire to be. If she is not willing to work on changing things..or in fact changing things..she may never. Are you prepared to wake up 15 years down the line...older, miserable, with children involved, alone and STILL having no sex but trapped financially and unable to get out! Fix this now...or move on.<br />
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Best of luck!

KFC is right - sadly it seems that none of our spouses are willing (or perhaps even able) to change. I think you will eventually decide to leave, so perhaps you should prepare for that now.<br />
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You can still be a great Dad to your son.<br />
Wishing you a better future.

I think you answered your own question. We can love people that we just are not compatible. She has "most" of the qualities you are looking for, but not all. In the end, you will never remain happy in this relationship, unless you are willing to sacrifice what is important to you.