Emotion - That Is What Makes the Difference, Whether We "Feel" Or Not

I've written my story on here a couple of times before and no changes have been made.

Again, I am at the end of my tether.  My husband continues to make up excuses, says he'll try harder next week, month etc but no, never any changes.  It all got to me again this weekend purely out of a rare discussion when he said he sees himself as a very caring person - to this I nearly choked.  He asked me what I meant by that reaction and I told him the truth, that he is unfeeling and uncaring and that I feel disappointed in him.  He clearly didn't like this and for once, continued the conversation, it bothered him that his wonderful imagine of himself wasn't how I saw him.  Apart from materialistic caring (car,food, holidays) I said I honesty couldn't think of anything he does that is caring especially around itimacy.  I told him again that he makes me feel fat, unattractive, undesirable and all he responded was "would you rather be separated from me" seeing as I clearly don't like him.  I said it wasn't that I didn't like him, he just upset me so much by his lack of actions (he "forgot" Valentines Day this year, again) that it made it difficult for me to look and think lovingly at him.

He maintains that he doesn't want to separate from me - well why should he?  He gets everything he wants off me - two children, meals, clean house, washing, clothes ironed etc, a companion so he doesn't get lonely but just no itimacy, which he is more than happy with.

It all got to me the next morning, I lay in bed with him (which he shares with me once a month) looking at him and just want to burst his bubble, I want to hurt him, I want him to feel what I am feeling.  I don't really know what happened next but I found myself wailing like a baby, I was beside myself.  Was he caring, no, he said I "was being silly" and "wasting the day" and proceeded to give me a cup of tea and tell me to get ready to go for a walk.  We need to have our eyes tested and he even suggested that we go into town to have our eyes checked - was there any thought that my eyes were so puffed up I could hardly see out of them????  There was no care or concern for me.  I couldn't get up so he left me to go and see his Mum rather than stay with me and talk.

Then it came to me yesterday night, when I finally got out and had a walk on my own the problem with all the partners we are describing on this website it that we feel and they don't, they just don't have emotions. As much as we want them to "feel" like us, it just isn't in their make-up, that is why we keep bashing our heads against brick walls and going round and round in circles.

My husband is trying to make me look as if I am going mad - the issue is that he cannot put himself in my shoes, he cannot see or feel what I am thinking.  He is happy in his world and to him, I should be the same, I am just being "akward" because I do not conform to his way.

The issue for most of us is that we have married people who do not feel, they have little or no emotion, they cannot see our point of view or be sensitive.  They do not open their hearts to anyone or anything. 

We are trying to win a lost battle, there will never be change.

I face today with new eyes and realisation, the realisation that it is me who is going to make the sacrifices, the changes, face the criticism.

My advice to anyone who can understand my story and is in a similar or worse situation but does not have children - GET OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS SOON AS YOU CAN, IT WILL NEVER CHANGE.  My husband says he loves me, what a very weird way to love someone and to deny sexual intimacy - it is abuse.

My husand didn't have sex with me on our wedding night and only once after much questioning and crying (on my part).  If you are in a similar situation, again my advice is get out, it will not change and you deserve to be happy.

One other point, my husband never cries, he sees it as being weak. I wonder how many other people have partners of this view who are sexless?  I would be interested to know.

My husband refuses to have any counselling because "we have a wonderful marriage and I am just tired from work".

One of these days I am going to leave and take our children, far away from my husband, before he destroys me completely. I am scared and angry because I entered our marriage with total commitment, little knowing that my husband would turn out so so badly.






Delightful Delightful
36-40, F
6 Responses Mar 2, 2009

Thanks to everyone who has been brave enough to share their own feelings too - I am so sorry, it really hurts me to read of your own pain which I can sense very deeply.<br />
<br />
To Pilot612 I totally understand about the wedding night. Not only did I allow my husband to do this in the first place, we returned to the same hotel, had the same room and bed for our first wedding annivesary only for him to repeat the actions of a year before - we didn't even have sex on the holiday! I was so shocked and felt incredulous that he felt he could even get away with it after every thing I had said about being upset etc - he just seemed to blank it in his mind.<br />
Whenever I think of our wedding I could just cry, I haven't even ordered up the wedding photos yet - not that the ceremony was awful or anything, just the fact that the night ended in such a bad way. I hasten to add we have only been married for 20 months but I won't be making the same mistake as returning to the same venue for our anniversary, I just cannot take the pain any more.<br />
<br />
As for pre-marital sex - he chased me like mad when we first met and pressurised me constantly to have sex with him and finally I gave it but the chase was fantastic, or so I thought at the time because I really felt he wanted me - I think in hindsight he just like the chase and once he got me, couldn't be bothered any more. He used to peform oral which I loved and was better at the sexual act in terms of going for longer. The troubles really became noticable when I became pregnant and I put it down to that but inbetween pregnancies his desire has been extremely low and it is always after I have "nagged" him and is always very quick. I can't say it is satisfying (he goes to sleep as soon as he is gratified leaving me in wonderment as to how he must think I feel but that's just it, he doesn't think how I feel, just how he feels. I don't think it is so much the act that I need so much as to the desire. He won't peform any kind of sexual act with me and does not like anything back. He sits around at night naked "fiddling" with himself, he is more than happy to do this and get the results he needs. He knows it really upsets me especially as he does it in front of me but continues to do it. So in answer to your question, yes he does have it in him to be sexual, he just now choses not to be with me. I think he is fundamentally lazy as his previous girlfriend, older, looked after him in a Mummy kind of way, they slept separately when they were together but did not live together - he says it was because she couldn't stand his snoring.......<br />
<br />
I wish you change pilot612 because it is no good standing still is it? They say if you think about a subject enough then it will happen - well it hasn't happened for me if I think about having a loving relationship but hopefully if you think of a new life with someone who really loves you and wants to please you it will come in time.<br />
<br />
Workinonit - I so feel your pain & understand completely about wanting someone to change but you know deep down that it isn't going to yet you hang on and hang on in the hope that one day they will wake up! <br />
<br />
Chaoticlove72 - I am so sorry you feel so bad, I can feel that this consumes alot of your thought - am I right? Do you feel it is all you think about and feel you cannot be yourself around your wife anymore? Maybe you should hold back on giving her everything she needs? Have you tried this and seen if it makes a difference? You sound a really loving caring person and deserve to find someone who will treat you the same. We only get one life, don't waste it on people who are never going to change. Something I always say to my husband is "If you want something or someone badly enough you will find the time or things to make it happen" yet still he doesn't understand or want to. Yes he makes time to meet all his friends, do all his hobbies, go on holidays with his friends, basically carry on his single life days so yes, he can find the energy for things he really wants. He can watch the TV for hours and hours yet can't find 10 minutes a month to have sex with me - when you look at it like this you really don't need to say anything do you. If this is your case, then ask yourself some deep questions about what YOU want our of your life - the very best of luck to you.<br />
<br />
Thanks to everyone for giving me the opportunity to write and experience a feel of empathy from you. Some people would say we were victims but how can you make someone have sex with you!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sending love and positive feelings to you all.

Such a wealth of insight and a storehouse of pain in every post here. My heart is too full to respond to you except to say that you are all brilliant, beautiful, sensible, sensitive, courageous and loving souls - who all deserve better. Please - be strong and find it. I wish I could follow your example Delightful - good for you!!!!

Wow. Reading your post was like reading something that is in my own mind. I have spent the past few weeks trying to convince my wife the reasons that i need, want, desire her....only to be told that she either has a headache, isnt feeling well, had a nap so she will be up all night....or is in her PMS mode so...just get away. NONE of her responces had anything to do with what i was trying to get across. That i have so much emotion for her....and yet, her emotions are driven by her desire to be with friends. Her lust for shopping and her need to be a great mother (which i do thank god for)<br />
<br />
Last week we were at my parents...the kids playing here and there....and i sat there looking at her talking to my mother....and i wanted to be elsewhere. I wanted to scream at her....that i knew the truth. That though she may love me....that its the love you feel for a roomate who you have known for a long time. Its the love you feel for someone you work with. Its the love you feel for someone that helps you take care of your kids when your not around.<br />
<br />
But its NOT any kind of love that has passion...devotion...lust or sex in any equasion what-so-ever.<br />
<br />
And for me...its not that that kills me every night. Its the fact that, like a carrot on some long string...she plays with my emotions...always keeping me guessing if the emotion i felt from her early on will somehow return....though DEEP down inside i know it never will. SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE....why should she? She has a man who gives her everything her cold heart desires....<br />
<br />
It really got to me a few days ago when it was my parents 51st wedding anniversary....my brother rented a restaurant for the evening....and there we were all sitting there. All the couples.....and i felt alone. I felt as though the 9 years i have been with this woman were all.....mundane. Bleak. Barren of life...and that the only people there who really loved me the way i need...to be loved...were my kids.<br />
<br />
I live in a world where i sleep every night alone. My jobs are doing things she has no desire to do. One of them...is loving me the way i always wanted to be loved. Just because...

Wow Delightful - I think you really did nail it (no pun intended!). Many of our significant others just don't get it: they cannot fathom why we are so unhappy because they are incapable of seeing the world through a view that is different than their own. My wife is like this and it is very rare that she can step out of her own "zone" and see through the eyes of another.<br />
<br />
It was quite painful to read your statement about them not being able to change. Just this past weekend I was forcing myself to face the possibility that my wife may not ever be able to be the person I so desperately want: one who can not only show her feelings, but actually wants to make someone else happy and is willing to reach out to do that.<br />
<br />
I do hope you are taking your own advice: you may not be able to just pick up and leave right now, but you should be making preparations to take care of yourself and your children.<br />
<br />
By the way, I also did not make love to my wife on our wedding day: however, she had food poisoning so I guess she's let off on this one!<br />
<br />
Best of luck to you and remember to take care of yourself - just because your husband can't doesn't mean you don't deserve it!

Wow! the insight.... you in my opinion hit the nail on the head. In my marriage when we were dating the sex was frequent and good, but when I put the ring on her finger it all stopped. I to did not have sex on my wedding night she said that she was "just to tired". It hurt me deeply so much so that I still have hard feelings from it. You are right in thinking that they will never change in the marriage but what about before .... did you have good sex before marriage the did it just stop? If so they can change.....I feel your pain I really do.... good luck....

Well, at least you are speaking your mind to him. I think too often, people do not say what is on their mind. Clearly, that is not your problem.<br />
<br />
No sex on your wedding night? That is almost unbelievable. Is the man GAY?